1) It is ridiculous that the departed people in the “In Memoriam” section are not simply listed in alphabetical order. Are we really still allowing this to be an applause-meter popularity contest that ends with the favorite? Is Hollywood still ranking people as A-listers and B-listers post death? Queen Latifah singing over the whole affair doesn’t make it any less high school. (although I thought she did a good job.)
2) Most gasp worthy moment of the night: seeing Jennifer Grey on the red carpet. Oh, Jennifer. I miss your nose so much. So much.
3) Most cringe-worthy moment of the night: Jennifer Aniston having a total panic attack when presenting the animation awards ten feet away from Brad and Angelina. I suppose it would be tough for anyone not to feel “less than” when your ex and his new lady are both nominated for Oscars while you’re giving away the talking panda awards. That said, the stage, like John Mayer, should have been further away from the audience.
4) There were actually some lovely speeches this year. Penelope Cruz, Dustin Lance Black, and Sean Penn all gave me le shivers.
5) Dear Seth Rogen: Please get chubby again. Love, Jessi.
6) Dear Ben Stiller: You really thought it was funny to make fun of Joaquin Phoenix? Even though everyone already did it a week and a half ago? And even though there’s a possibility he has a drug problem? Like the one that killed his brother, River? Okay, then.
7) I guess we’ve known for awhile that Ryan Seacrest is a total automaton, but I kind of could not believe he couldn’t put his douche-switch in the off position when interviewing the adorable little kids from Slumdog Millionaire. You’re seriously asking an eight-year-old from India the same questions you’d ask Teri Hatcher?
8) Do Natalie Portman and Freida Pinto drink water from some special secret well that makes you the prettiest person on earth? I want to go to there.
Which reminds me:
9) Steve Martin and Tina Fey should host the Oscars together every year.
10) Dear Oscars producers: I want my acting clips back in my acting categories. I don’t need five actors telling five other actors how much they personally enjoyed their performances. Especially when it creates the awkward situation of Adrien Brody, who was in one good movie and a soda campaign, telling Richard Jenkins, who is amazing and has been in everything, that he approved of his performance.
Jessi Klein is a writer and comedian who has frequently appeared on Comedy Central, CNN, VH1, and the Today show. She also likes to think she has value as a human being aside from her numerous credits in the entertainment industry.