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03.15.09

Real Moms of New York

Forget the fake jewelry and faux friendships of Real Housewives. The Daily Beast’s Laura Bennett on what the show Real Moms of New York would look like. Don’t worry, it still includes martinis.

Fake boobs, fake jewelry, fake friendships, and, in one case, even a fake marriage, because I swear one husband is gay—let's just say Real Housewives has inspired me to pitch a reality show of my own, The Real Moms of New York.

EPISODE 101: A New York mom, let’s call her Lauren, is taking her four-year-old to a doctor’s appointment on the subway. Wearing four-inch heels she awkwardly maneuvers down the subway stairs with her son in the stroller, but asks him to get out so she can get it through the turnstile. He jumps out, goes through the turnstile, and enters the next train as it pulls into the station. The train pulls away. Unfortunately Lauren is watching this entire scene wedged in the turnstile by the Maclaren. After having a martini she tells her husband that she has lost one of his children, but luckily she is the mother of six—five—and has spares. Realizing they now have one less tuition to pay, they toast over martinis.

EPISODE 102: Another New York mom, we’ll call this one Laurie, is at a birthday party with her children. The party is in full swing: Macaroni the clown has just finished performing his death-defying act on a unicycle and the Creature Teacher has yet to release her collection of disgusting insects, rodents, and reptiles for the petting pleasure of the guests. Then Laurie’s baby falls asleep. She lays the baby down on the host’s bed and returns to enjoy the festivities. At home three hours later, she realizes that she’s forgotten the baby and has to go back and get him. Laurie apologizes to the host and blames it on the martinis.

EPISODE 103: New York mom Lauralee is at lunch with her friend Allison. Allison has signed up her four-year old son for a Mommy and Me acting class at the Academy of Dramatic Arts because she is concerned about the extracurricular activities portion of his kindergarten applications. She fears it is too sparse and that being the only nationally ranked four-year-old fencer in North America and an accomplished concert violinist won’t be enough to catch the attention of the admissions directors. Lauralee advises her to have a martini and chill out.

EPISODE 104: This one takes place at Thanksgiving and features real New York mom, Laurel, taking her kids to the ultimate holiday event, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. As she is looking up admiring the package on the 69-foot Superman balloon, she becomes separated from her five-year-old and loses him in the crowd of thousands. Laurel engages the New York City police force to put out an all points bulletin on a child in a red coat with one front tooth. Drama builds but all ends well when the child is spotted marching in the middle of Broadway with a marching band from Virginia belting out “We Are Family.” Laurel needs a martini.

This is as real as it gets. Of course, I wouldn’t know anything about any of this first-hand.

Laura Bennett was trained as an architect but has since established her career as a fashion designer by becoming a finalist on Season 3 of the Bravo hit television series Project Runway . Bennett lives amid complete chaos in New York City with her husband and six children, Cleo, 20, Peik, 13, Truman, 10, Pierson, 6, Larson, 5, and Finn, 2.