Screech vs. Papa

Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond just published his tell-all memoir, Behind the Bell. Can you distinguish it from Ernest Hemingway’s For Whom the Bell Tolls? TAKE OUR QUIZ.

10.06.09 8:45 PM ET

A. It just wasn't in my constitution to be such a conformist, bowing to someone else's whim and caprice…
B. Because the people of this town are as kind as they can be cruel and they have a natural sense of justice and a desire to do that which is right…

A. "I like to kiss very much," she said. "But I do not do it well."
B. She gave me a kiss—short, soft, and full on the lips. I thought, this must be what it’s like when a woman kisses her man goodbye.

A. Wednesday was exactly the same as Tuesday, just more refined.
B. Another Sunday is very far. If we see Wednesday we are all right.

A. I will go with the whores as always."
B. "Tiffani-Amber Thiessen went from sweet, innocent, loveable all-American teen to SBTB's set whore and Hollywood's pass-around girl."

A. I was so hungover I was pleading for death.
B. "I am making myself drunk with wine," he said with dignity.

A. "How is it?" she said to him. "How are the legs, little one?"
B. But I felt comforted that Elizabeth spent those crucial first moments puzzling over why she was staring at a photo of a naked man with three legs.

A. He was a great annoyer of girls, and he was a coward...
B. She flinched whenever a man was near her or a man’s voice suddenly projected toward her…

A. The girl watched him all through the meal. Everyone else was watching his food and eating.
B. The road events were subsidized trips to Assylvania. All-you-can-bang buffets.

A. As soon as he had uttered it he regretted saying the thing about his ability...
B. He showed instantaneous remorse, apologizing profusely for the gaffe, which probably ameliorated St. Peter’s wrath...

A. He felt the long smoothness of her thighs against his and her breasts like two small hills that rise out of the long plain where there is a well...
B. Like this one chick with terrific boobs. She had a big ass, but I could forgive her badonk based solely on the unimpeachable quality of her tremendous rack.


1. A (Screech)
2. B (Screech)
3. A (Screech)
4. B (Screech)
5. A (Screech)
6. B (Screech)
7. B (Screech)
8. B (Screech)
9. B (Screech)
10. B (Screech)

10/10: Go to the head of the class.
8 or 9: Papa would be proud.
6 or 7: Put the remote down and read a book.
4 or 5: Seriously, did you attend Bayside High?
3 and under: Mr. Belding would like to see you in his office.