02.20.10

The Tiger Woods Spoofs No One Will See

By a stroke of luck, the embattled golfer scheduled his big public apology for a time when all the top late-night shows are off the air. Check out some of the best jokes you won't see on TV.

Tiger Woods' rambling, 15-minute apology to his wife and the rest of the known universe Friday morning may not turn out to have been the most effective public relations move, but one element was unquestionably brilliant: the timing. Whether they knew it or not, Woods handlers scheduled the press conference at a moment that made it essentially immune to late-night mockery. The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and Saturday Night Live are all in reruns this week. Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are off the air. And David Letterman tapes his Friday shows on Thursdays. All of which make an 11 a.m. Friday morning press conference a kind of Bermuda Triangle of public shaming. Woods could have gone on about Buddhism for another hour, and there would've been no major comedians to spoof it for days.

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But since the Woods speech had so much good material—from his impassioned anti-steroid defense to the overlong hug with his mom at the end—we didn't want to let the opportunity slip away. The Daily Beast reached out to a few top TV comedy writers to get a glimpse of all the jokes we're missing. Here's what they came up with: 

• Tiger said he doesn’t plan to answer any questions from reporters because this situation is between him and his wife. Actually the situation is between Tiger, his wife, several waitresses, three models, and two porn stars.

• During his announcement Tiger said, “People want to know how I could be so selfish and so foolish.” Tiger said he wasn’t sure and then referred all questions to his penis.

• Tiger said that after his announcement, he would be going back to rehab. Not directly. First he’s stopping in Cancun for Spring Break.

• Tiger’s excited to return because he’s close to Jack Nicklaus’ all-time record. Turns out Nicklaus had 17 mistresses.

• Tiger made his announcement to a handful of sympathetic friends who he’s leaned on during this crisis: Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, and John Edwards.

• There was one out-of-place moment when Tiger started talking about his ongoing commitment to educate teenagers. Then he announced the release of the Tiger Woods’ Kama Sutra.

• Tiger finally explained where he’s been for the last 78 days. It turns out he’s been in an undisclosed location with Dick Cheney.

• Tiger says he doesn’t plan on repeating the mistakes he’s made in the past. Then he introduced 13 new mistresses for 2010.

• When Tiger was done he walked over to his Mom and gave her a long hug. I’m not sure rehab is working because then they started making out.

• During the announcement Tiger said, “I am deeply sorry for the irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in—except for one of my mistresses who was double-jointed.”

• Tiger says that for the last 45 days he’s been facing punishment for his actions. Not in a rehab clinic—every day his wife Elin waterboards him.

• During his announcement Tiger said, “I am deeply sorry for the selfish behavior I engaged in.” Tiger promised that in the future he’ll focus more on his mistresses’ orgasms.

• Before today the public hadn’t heard from Tiger Woods in 78 days. Unfortunately, when Tiger finally emerged he saw his shadow, which means six more weeks of booty calls. *The trouble isn’t over: One of Tiger’s mistresses is claiming he got her pregnant twice. Or as Tiger calls it, “a double bogey”.

• For the past six weeks Tiger’s been in sex rehab in Mississippi. Unfortunately, in Mississippi sex rehab is all about getting you to stop sleeping with your cousin.

• The PGA says they would have made the same special arrangements for any golfer on the PGA tour. Then they fell down and laughed for 3 hours.