06.20.10

TV's Most Awkward Sex Tips

As the wildly popular Secret Life of the American Teenager returns on ABC Family tonight, The Daily Beast compiled its most bizarre lessons about deadly lovemaking, babies as birth control, and more.

Lesson 1: Sex Can Kill Your Loved Ones

Grace and Jack have sex. Correction—Grace and Jack have incredible sex. Before marriage. Shortly after, Grace’s father dies. The punishment for premarital sex, it seems, is a death in the family.

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Lesson 2: Sex Isn’t Real Unless…

How can you have sex 1½ times? These teens seem to get it. (“I know what you mean, girlfriend.”) We think we know what they’re saying, but we’re not sure we agree—and this exchange feels a little risqué, even for cable television.

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Lesson 3: Siblings’ Babies Are the Best Birth Control

Amy, the resident pregnant teen, has a 15-year-old sister who’s not only jaded, but wise beyond her years. In this clip, babysitting is used as a catalyst to move an awkward conversation—with a potential suitor who appears to be in his late twenties—toward birth control and keeping condoms nearby.

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Lesson 4: Metrosexual? You Must Be Gay

When a responsible dad isn’t quite sure if his underage daughter’s house guest is gay enough to sleep in her bedroom, he should examine the young man. The beauty mask and shirtlessness should be gay giveaways.

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Lesson 5: Sometimes Phone Sex Just Isn’t Enough

What better way for Tom, who has Down syndrome, to express his love for his girlfriend, Tammy, than by taking a dip in the pool with her—and having phone sex? But Tammy has a strict no sex before marriage policy, forcing Tom to look elsewhere for fulfillment.

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Lesson 6: Sex Is About Love—and Heat

Apparently talking to the father of the girl you knocked up (at band camp—yes, that’s an American Pie reference) about sex is natural. And discussing marriage, commitment, and the “heat” required for sex is equally normal. It completely makes us forget how creepy it is to hear a father asking why his daughter isn’t hot enough for her baby daddy.

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Lesson 7: Third Date Jitters? Consult the Condom Pouch

Having had her baby and hit a rough patch in her relationship with a Bob Saget-lookalike, a nervous Amy asks her sister if she looks OK before going on a date. In return she gets some sound advice: “Take a condom.” What follows is an incredibly awkward description of how to use a condom. Evidently, Amy’s learned her lesson from her (first) teen pregnancy.

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Sujay Kumar works at The Daily Beast. He's written for MTV Splash Page and The Daily Illini.