GTL: Gym, Tan, Laundry
Guidos live and die by the three words: gym, tan, laundry, better known as GTL. Three of the men in the Jersey Shore house—DJ Pauly D, juicehead Ronnie, and ab man extraordinaire Mike "The Situation"—show us how they spend their days. The first step is to gel your hair and hit the gym to work on your fitness. Then, it's off to the tanning salon because when you're busy getting jacked, you sometimes can't make it to lay out and catch some rays, even if the scenic Atlantic Ocean is a mere five minutes from your house. Finally, you have to visit the laundromat to make sure you have a clean outfit. Let's recap: workout until your muscles are ready to explode, lay in tanning beds to turn a horrifying shade of orange, and do some laundry so your Ed Hardy tee looks "fresh to death," which means its bedazzled crystals sparkle to the fullest.
Grenades Blow Up Any Situation
The Situation and his trusty sidekick Pauly D show us that love really is a battlefield and all guidos must be cautious of grenades. For those unfamiliar with the term "grenade," it's essentially the boys' nickname for an attractive lady's not-so-attractive lady friend. As The Situation explains, "When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you, so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first." Pauly D takes one for the team and entertains the grenade to The Situation's girl of the moment…until he goes AWOL. In Pauly D's words, "My girl was busted… and she's complaining that she has to be home… In my head, I'm like, 'Then go home.'" Clearly, that grenade did not spark anything positive.
Snooki Gets Sucker Punched
The housemates never were able to get Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi's name right, often referring to her as variations such as Snickers, Snookers, Snookums. But after the infamous incident when a high school teacher decked her in the face, the Jersey Shore cast banded together. She may be a bizarre shade of orange, opt for some not so flattering dresses, and struggle to use the house's duck phone, but none of this behavior comes close to warranting a punch. If we learned anything from Jersey Shore, it's that violence is never the answer—at least, when it's in the direction of a man towards a woman. Be warned that although MTV chose to censor the series' most violent moment, the raw footage is here for those who dare.
Hungry Hungry Hippos
Whenever The Situation brings a girl home, her friends are never far behind. In this scene, Snooki decides to intervene and help her housemate by kicking the excess girls out so he can swoop in on his target. The girls—referred to here as "the grenade," "the grenade launcher," and "the hippo"—do not exactly exit gracefully as all hell breaks loose at the unofficial Seaside Heights Zoo. Besides the expletives, there are plenty of punches and insults thrown. But the most hurtful words ironically come from housemate Sammi 'Sweetheart" towards "the hippo." "You don't belong here," she calls after her. "You don't even look Italian!"
Boardwalk Brawl Bro
Ronnie had only one rule during his time in Seaside Heights: "You don't fall in love at the Jersey Shore." Alas, his relationship with housemate Sammi sure broke that one quickly. It also ended the unspoken "don't kill anyone" rule, because he ended up having to fight for her honor. Rumble on the boardwalk!
Classy Girls Don't Get Naked in Jacuzzis
Even before the hippo and grenade entered the scene, the guys on Jersey Shore were quick to bring home some seriously sleazy girls. In the first episode, the female roommates failed to show enough interest in hot tubbing—a requisite item in any MTV reality television show home. So instead, the guys brought home some ladies willing to take off their underwear in the jacuzzi. But that's the Jersey Shore cast way—always keeping it classy and sanitary.
Getting Punchy in Atlantic City
When a drunk lady friend needs you to help them leave an Atlantic City nightclub, it's common courtesy to be a man and walk her home. Every self-proclaimed guido should know this, according to housemate J-WOWW. After nearly 30 days of listening to Mike run his mouth about his game and refer to his abs as "The Situation," the feisty J-WOWW was peeved when he failed to help her get home because he was doing his "thing" with a girl. Let's hope the extra 15 minutes The Situation spent at the bar that night was worth getting socked in the face by J-WOWW.
The Po Po Lock Up The Ron Ron
Poor Ronnie just wanted to drink some of his signature "Ron Ron juice" and "smush" (his term for "have sex with") his girlfriend, Sammi. After trying to diffuse a testy situation outside a nightclub, the short-fused housemate became the target of some serious smack talk, got into a brawl, and then, was arrested. Luckily for the other troublemakers of Seaside Heights, New Jersey, when Ronnie was released from jail, he vowed never to be a criminal again. That's deep, bro.
Never "Stalk a Life"
When looking to woo a guido on the Jersey Shore, it's best not to "stalk their whole entire life." Pauly D's Israeli love interest, Danielle found this out the hard way as she "stalked" him on the boardwalk. She even gave him a t-shirt that said "I heart Jewish Girls" with a blinged out Star of David. Usually, Pauly D is not one to toss a bedazzled garment, but the baggage that came with this one was something he was not into, as this short duck phone conversation demonstrates.
Sujay Kumar works at The Daily Beast. He's written for MTV Splash Page and The Daily Illini.