An Obituary Fit for a Warlock
It’s finally here. Charlie Sheen’s Two and a Half Men character wasn’t the only one who was eulogized Monday night. Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane opened the roast—and set the no-holds-barred-tone—with a speech ripped from Amy Winehouse’s obituary (or so he said). “I only had to change three things, though,” MacFarlane said. “The sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and the part that says a talent that will be missed.” We can’t argue with the roastmaster. Watch Sheen’s big entrance here.
Sheen’s Up ‘Every Morning at the Crack of Crack’
The doctor is in. She might have been one of the more unexpected faces to take the stage, but Private Practice star Kate Walsh had no qualms giving a dirty diagnosis to Sheen. From taking shots at the custody battle over his kids to his violent encounter with a prostitute—and the imaginary sexual exploits of fellow roasters Steve-O and Mike Tyson—Walsh was every bit as raunchy as her counterparts. As for her prognosis for the man of hour: “For some reason, you’re able to defy science and medicine and continue to survive. I’ll pencil you in for your relapse next week.”
Will Sheen Live to See His Kids ‘First Twelve Steps’?
If Monday night was a celebration of unhinged men, then comedian Jeffrey Ross’s Muammar Gaddafi get up should have been the uniform. Ross, who accompanied Sheen on tour, used his time at the podium to go after the guests, including Sheen’s ex Brooke Mueller. “She’s not very bright, unless Charlie’s throwing a lamp at her,” he quipped about Sheen’s infamous record of domestic violence. The goddesses might have been MIA, but the camera went right for Mueller’s reaction. We’ll just say she did not looked pleased.
All the World’s a Stage; ‘Charlie’s Been Booed Off Them All’
Mike Tyson feels your pain: The warlock wasn’t the only (former) addict and violence-inclined star on the stage. Tyson gave his roast in the form of iconic poetry, drawing on The Iliad, Shakespeare, and Emily Dickinson to deliver his barbs. The cleaned-up vegan offered advice to Sheen, no doubt drawing on personal experience. “Let me remind you something every man must know; once the money goes, so does the hoes,” the world champion said. Despite that gem, his blow to Ross was the big hit: “During your performance, I wish I bit my own ears off.”
Jeselnik: ‘God Hates Michael J. Fox’
Sure, there was awkward mention of when Sheen attacked Brook Mueller (as Mueller sat in the audience, no less), references to sexual exploits we can’t write here, and Steve-O taking Tyson’s fist to the face, but no burn elicited quite an audience reaction like Anthony Jeselnik’s dig at Michael J. Fox. Before Sheen’s meltdown, he was the highest paid actor on TV, a gig the roasters couldn’t fathom. So comedian Jeselnik went right for the jugular, but whose we’re not sure: “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.”
Shatner: Book Rehab Through Priceline
The Captain Kirk of yore is more of Martin Sheen’s generation, but still fancies himself as competition for the tiger blooded-actor. William Shatner offered Sheen a few gems about aging and getting work in Hollywood or, rather, how to use his natural abilities to make money. Referencing an auction where he sold a kidney stone for $75,000, Shatner showed the man of the hour his chops. “I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for Habitat for Humanity. Who’s the warlock now, bitch,” he added, before a shameless Priceline plug, of course.
Sheen: ‘I’ve Already Won’
Has the winning spree finally come to an end? In response to the evening’s verbal lashing, the Adonis DNA-touting actor quipped that through all of the drug use, jail stints, and hospitalizations, his “eternal fire” lives on—as long as he keeps “it away from a crack pipe,” that is. Drug use or not, nowadays, Sheen views himself as a man of the people: “I did the one thing that everyone in America really wishes they could do: I told my boss to f--k off.” Alas, Charlie Harper might be dead, but the warlock lives on.