Dr. Ozzy

10.11.11

Ozzy’s Advice for Life

In honor of the release of his new book, Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy: Advice From Rock’s Ultimate Survivor, the Prince of Darkness answers readers’ burning questions, from what bat tastes like to how he survived years of cocaine abuse.

Do bats taste like chicken?

Here we go again. When I die, my headstone is gonna read: ‘Ozzy Osbourne. Born, 1948. Died, whenever. He ate a bat.’ But to answer your question—I’ve never bitten the head off a live chicken, so I can’t say. I’d also like to remind you that the bat thing was an accident. I thought it was a toy—until the head in my mouth started wriggling.

How can I achieve immortality? You seem to have the secret.

I can’t tell you how to live forever, but I can tell you how to die young: do what I did. In all honesty, I’ve just been very, very lucky. And I’ll croak eventually. When? Who knows, man. I don’t even wanna know. Although I wouldn’t mind knowing where, so I can avoid going there.

How did you survive all your years in the rock scene, given all the drugs you’ve taken, etc. (aside from having an awesome wife at your side)?

As I said before—luck. I mean, I was once in the back of a tour bus that got hit by a fucking plane. Six more inches, and I’d have been a goner, as would Sharon. Not that I get any comfort from that, ’cos one of my best friends in the world was killed that day. God bless his soul.

How does someone get off the crazy train?

In a pine box, usually. I mean, a few years ago, I went to the funeral of a guy I knew who’d died of cirrhosis of the liver. The second the ceremony was over, everyone went straight down the pub to get blasted on Guinness. It was like a race to see which one of us could be next. That was just before I made the decision to finally get sober.

How is your liver?

When I had my Genome test done last year they told me that miraculously I’m 110 percent fit, liver and all.

Ozzy Osbourne
“Trust Me, I'm Dr. Ozzy” by Ozzy Osbourne. Grand Central Publishing. 304 p. ()

What bands are you currently into?

Believe it or not, but I still listen to The Beatles. Nothing else comes close, man.

What’s it like to be married to Sharon?

A lot f---ing easier than it is to be married to me.

If you need to sober up very quickly, is it wise to do more cocaine, or less?

Well, in my experience, people with big coke habits don’t usually snort a line to sober up—when they’re high, they use beer to help ’em come down. The problem for me was, there wasn’t enough beer on the f---ing planet to bring me down from the amount of s--- I was putting up my nose. Unfortunately, the only real way to sober up is to wait for the alcohol to leave your bloodstream. Either that or build a time machine and go back to the day before you started drinking.

What’s your favorite children’s book?

Anything with pictures. I’m very dyslexic, so I ain’t exactly one to be reading the Harry Potter books to my grandkids. They’d be drawing a f---ing pension by the time we got to the end of the first chapter.