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12.31.11

New Year's Resolutions for the Republican Presidential Candidates

The new year—and the Iowa caucuses—are just about here. Could a strategic resolution for 2012 vault one of the Republican contenders into the top spot?

With the start of 2012 mere hours away—and the Iowa caucuses right behind it—a New Year's resolution could be just the thing to lock in a Republican candidate. Here are a few suggestions.

Herman Cain

I promise to say "nein nein nein" to the ladies from now on. To run for a more appropriate position in light of my personal baggage, like governor of California. To keep touching people with my, err, message. And to listen more closely the next time I think I hear God tell me to run for office.

Jon Huntsman Jr.

Like Steven Colbert said, to go from 2 percent in the polls to whole milk. Failing that, I promise to shy away from Nirvana jokes in my next presidential run.

Michele Bachmann

I promise to listen more closely the next time I think I hear God tell me to run for office.

Ron Paul

I promise to read all my own mailings. And to stop taking photographs with white supremacists.

Rick Perry

I promise to avoid debates at all costs. Or conversation of any kind, really. To stay handsome, and look cool, strong, and silent, like John Wayne. And to listen more closely the next time I think I hear God tell me to run for office.

Rick Santorum

I promise to keep running for president for as long as it takes to finally knock Dan Savage’s redefinition of my name off the top page of my Google results.

Newt Gingrich

I promise to sell even more books this year, and also to keep running for president if that helps. And, of course, to keep my vows of fidelity to my third wife.

Mitt Romney

I promise to keep quiet, and to keep every hair in place, while my primary opponents play whack-a-pol with one another.