The Royalist

04.19.12

Dwarves, Chastity Belts, Bondage Gear and Guns: So Much For Pippa Middleton to ‘Celebrate’!

Pippa's book to be called 'Celebrate'

With impeccable timing, Pippa Middleton’s publishers in the UK announced yesterday the title and launch date of their star signing’s new party planning book. It’s going to be called called Celebrate! Yeay! If it's like every other party planning book, then rest assured it wil be packed full of exclamation points, cupcake recipes and exciting tips to make your party like, the best ever!! What might it look like? The Royalist took an (imaginary) sneak peek inside its pages:

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Tina Brown on the latest Pippa Middleton scandal.


1.    Fancy dress: “Fancy dress is always a super idea to make any party go with a swing. But it’s important to have  a theme that your guests can connect with to really pull it all together.  EG: If you’re throwing a party for over-privileged French aristocrats and minor royalty who are out of touch with reality and want to alienate the general public, why not go for a Louis XIV/Marie-Antoinette dress code?”

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Pippa in fancy dress (FameFlynet Pictures)

2.    Dwarves. “Some people say having little people walking around your party for the entertainment of others is a gross exploitation of one’s fellow human beings, but I think it’s really funny! I mean, they’ve got to earn a living somehow, right? And, like, they can get up to €300 just for showing up! I’m sure Peter Dinklage would approve.”

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ROBYN BECK / Getty Images

3.    Chastity belts: “A really fun way to inject a few ‘sparks’ into any party is to hire a new age circus performer. My favourite is a young lady who wears a chastity belt and then works an angle-grinder against it to produce a shower of sparks from, er, ‘down there!’. It’s mind-blowing!”

4.    Bondage gear. “A really risqué idea for an adult party is to get the host to dress up in bondage gear. Try and get him to pose with a dog lead around his neck for the cameras, and, if possible, get some other guests to dress up as monks and vicars. Brillo pads!”

5.    Exploit Royal connections: “Don’t be shy about exploiting your royal connections. EG, if you happen to have a friend who is connected to the British royal family, why not have a stripper burst out of a cake to a remixed version of ‘God save the Queen?’ In fact, what could be even better, is if you have a distant cousin who is a burlesque performer, who also does a 'God save the Queen' routine. That would be soooo awesome.”

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Pippa's stripper cousin does her 'God save the Queen' routine ()

6.    PR afterwards: “If you’re throwing a party to promote a dicey fashion brand, it’s a really good idea to do everything you can to maximize your PR exposure afterwards. One sure fire way to do this is to point a toy gun at any of those scummy photographers following you around for no good reason. Remember, there’s no such thing as bad publicity!”

7.    Follow-up: “You can keep your story alive in the media by getting the host's brother to make some really offensive comments, saying that the English are stupid and have no sense of humor etc. Then, the next day, issue your own apology, blaming the paparazzi for their dangerous behavior! Really, it works every time.”

8.    Facebook: “One of the really great things about social media is that you can post all your party pics on a publicly accessible page on facebook! This means that not just everyone who was at the party can look at the pictures, but the whole world and all the media organizations can simply download them for free too!”

9.    Keep down legal bills: “Make sure that any gun-waving is done by a top lawyer, preferably one with connections to a weapons company.”

10.    Don’t forget to log on to my blog, The Party Times for more top ideas on how to make your party go with a bang!