Politics

07.29.13

The (Imagined) Backstory of Anthony Weiner

We might have seen this coming. If there were an archive of Anthony Weiner’s crotch-shot correspondence, it’d probably look like this.

“I hope [people] realize that in many ways what happened today was something that frankly had happened before, but it doesn’t represent all that much that is new.” —New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, July 22

October 22, 1974

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Weiner. Today’s assignment in Arts & Crafts was to draw a picture of something that made you proud. Later in the day, Anthony presented the picture during Show & Tell. I would like to schedule a parent-teacher conference to show you this picture and discuss the situation. Are you available next Friday for a meeting in my office? Educationally yours, Francis Stein, Principal, P.S. 282

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November 14, 1977

Dear Rabbi Gelfand. You probably don’t remember me but my name is Anthony Weiner from Park Slope, Brooklyn. I was just writing the last of my thank-you cards from my recent bar mitzvah when it occurred to me I never properly thanked the person who performed my first Jewish ritual: my bris! You’ll be glad to know it no longer hurts and I occasionally get compliments from people I meet on what a fine job you did. (Just kidding—kinda.) Attached is a recent photograph of your handiwork. Please feel free to use this photo in your promotional materials. Yours, Anthony

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February 12, 1984

Stacey: I read your letter and I can see that you are very angry about our breakup. As I tried to explain on the phone, it’s not you—it's me!  But in response to your accusation that I “did not have the balls” to break up with you in person, I attach this photograph to demonstrate otherwise. I hope we can still be friends and continue to exchange cards and photos. —Anthony

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April 14, 1987

Dear Valued Customer:

It is our policy not to print photographs with adult-themed content. Your order #62848843 has been canceled and the unprocessed film returned to you. Thank you for choosing your local PhotoMat store.

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June 1991

Dear Username Hugh G. Rection: Thank you for being among the first to sign up for America Online’s new and exciting Internet community. However, the photograph you have uploaded to accompany your online profile does not comply with the Standard User Agreement. Please refer to Section VIII of that Agreement before submitting another profile picture or feel free to choose among the choices provided. Your friends @America Online!

Video screenshot

Anthony Weiner’s alter-ego, Carlos Danger, has entered the mayoral race.

WFAN Sports Radio: October 23, 2000

OK, caller lines are open! We want to know what you think—did Roger Clemens intentionally hurl a broken bat at Mets catcher Mike Piazza—or was it all some kind of big misunderstanding? Let’s hear from Anthony in Queens.  Anthony, you are on the air!

Yeah, Mad Dog, I’ll tell you what I think. I am a lifelong Mets fan from Queens and if you ask me, Roger Clemens is nothing but a big dick!

OK—not sure we can say that on the air, but I didn’t hear a beep so I guess we can.  So you think this was intentional, do you?

Intentional, not intentional—it doesn’t make a difference! I just think that Clemens is the biggest dick to ever wear the Yankee pinstripes—and that’s saying something.  He’s been throwing at Piazza’s head for years and now he picks up a shattered bat and hurls it him—this guy is just the biggest dick I have ever seen.

OK Anthony. I think we know where you stand. Roger Clemens is a dick!

A big dick!

OK, got it. Thanks for your call...

Wait, I’m not done making my point. What is your fax number? I have a picture of Roger Clemens I want to send you ...

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November 14, 2002

Sheila Saposnick, Casting Directing, Puppetry of the Penis

Dear Ms. Saposnick, I have been reading so much about this exciting new avant-garde performance, it is no wonder you have not found the time to return my many calls. Instead, I send along this “head shot” for your files. Please keep me in mind for any future auditions for cast members or understudies. All best, A. Weiner (not a pseudonym!)

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Lands’ End Operator #3489. Hello, this is Cathy. How can I assist you today?

Hi Cathy.  I am trying to purchase underwear today.  Men’s low cut briefs. Item #LM298.

Cathy: Good choice! 100% ringspun combed cotton with a brushed elastic waistband.

How does the sizing run on these?

I am a size 32 waist but for anatomical reasons I probably should not go into, I often have to wear underwear that is size 34—sometimes 36!

Don’t ask.

Cathy: These briefs fit true to size.

Sorry. Didn’t mean to arouse your curiosity. If you give me your email address, I can show you what I’m talking about.

Lands’ End Operator #3489 is now offline.

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I thank the Speaker for yielding me the floor. Today I stand before this great chamber to introduce H.R. 1976—making this next Thursday, July 4, 2007, not only the 231st anniversary of the signing of our Declaration of Independence but also “National Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest Appreciation Day!”

For 92 years now, New Yorkers large and small—mostly large—have engaged in a competition to consume the maximum number of Coney Island hot dogs in 10 minutes. And for the uninitiated, you will be interested to learn that these are not the undersized two-bite hot dogs you get a baseball stadium but 10-inch-long, 8-ounce thick hot dogs. These are Nathan’s Famous hot dogs—and the reason they are famous is that they are wieners with real girth.

In fact, if I can get the C-SPAN cameras to come in on a tight shot, I would like to demonstrate the kind of sizable slabs of meat I am talking about. Who’s got a bun?

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May 1, 2008

To whom it may concern. It is with great pleasure that I recommend Jeremy T. Feltham for admission into Georgetown Law School.  Jeremy has served with distinction on my congressional staff for the last three years and was instrumental in the preparation of numerous bills and resolutions I brought to the floor of the House of Representatives. Indeed, it is not an overstatement to say that since he became my Legislative Director in early 2005, Jeremy has served as my right hand.

In the event you are curious about what is currently in my left hand, please see the attached photo.

Sincerely,
Anthony Weiner, D–NY

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July 21, 2013

To the editors of the New York Post. Your shameless efforts to sell newspapers by making a mockery of my candidacy notwithstanding, I remain a true believer in democracy and am prepared to let the voters decide if they care more about their future than my past.

The unfortunate details about my private communications that have been reported this week should not have come as news to anyone. As I clearly stated when I entered this race for mayor back in May, it was entirely possible that more of these wrong and hurtful photographs than have previously been disclosed might come to light during the course of this campaign. Indeed, this week I estimated that the number might be as many as 10. Attached please find No. 6.

—Anthony Weiner