08.23.13 8:45 AM ET
The Craziest Moments From ‘Ghost Shark’ (VIDEO)
Ghost Shark, which aired Thursday night on SyFy (Home of Sharknado), is about a shark that is killed by a fisherman, returns from the dead, and takes revenge on humanity, methodically eating an entire waterside town. Ava’s father is among those murdered, and she strongly suspects that a Ghost Shark was responsible, because … why not? Ava is played by Mackenzie Rosman, who played youngest daughter Ruthie on 7th Heaven for 11 years (and who is now 23 and posing for Maxim).
All of this is to say that Ghost Shark is absolutely amazing.
Think of Jaws, but instead of the iconic score playing to warn viewers that a shark is lurking, a glowing black light flashes in the water, also emanating in a halo around the shark with all the technical sophistication of a Hanna-Barbara cartoon. In fact, the whole movie is like an episode of Scooby Doo come to life. But gorier.
There’s a Scooby-esque crazy lighthouse keeper who you’re not sure if you’re supposed to trust. He cackle-whispers glorious monologues like: “Ghosts are real. As real as the lies this town was built on. As real as the price we’re going to pay for those sins.” Crazy lighthouse keeper man is played by Night Court’s Richard Moll.
Then there’s the crack team of boneheaded teens trying to figure out how to beat Ghost Shark. There’s tech whiz Ava (the Velma character), her gorgeous ditz of a sister Cicely (the Daphne character), Ava’s goofy-haired crush Blaise (the Shaggy character), and his dashing, not-so-bright friend Cameron (the Fred character). All that’s missing is the Mystery Machine.
It soon becomes obvious that Ghost Shark is able to manifest itself wherever there’s water, even if the water is on dry land, and attack people. Here’s a gander at these kids’ skills of deduction:
“I got it!” says not-so-bright Cameron. “It appears in water, right? Maybe it can’t manifest itself when water’s not around. All we got to do is stay dry!” Well, zoinks! You’ve cracked the case! The thing is, these kids don’t stay dry. They don’t stay away from water. They are in water all the time. Who knew there was so much water in this world of ours to be in? If there’s water somewhere, these kids will find it. And, SPOILER, so will Ghost Shark!
Of course, the best part of Ghost Shark is Ghost Shark, and all the crazy ways he attacks and eats people. On the off chance that you missed Thursday night’s airing of Ghost Shark (what could you possibly have been doing?), here’s a recap of the craziest shark attacks:
The jet ski attack
The first time the public at large sees Ghost Shark in action is a doozy! In the Jaws tradition, a hot babe is swimming and the raft she’s on is nudged by Ghost Shark. Terrified, she hijacks a jet ski and tries to ride towards shore, but she’s thwarted by Ghost Shark, who leaps from the water and bites off the top half of her body.
The pool party attack
A hoodlum crashes a pool party that not-so-bright Cameron throws in spite of the recent bloody death of one of his friends. The bully jumps off the diving board and, out of nowhere, Ghost Shark leaps out of the pool Shamu-style, swallows him, and then disappears, dropping the bully’s head back down to the pool, where it lands, impaled, on the top of a champagne bottle. This scene is crucial, viewers, as it is the first time we learn that Ghost Shark can appear anywhere, not just in open water!
The Slip n’ Slide attack
Ghost Shark can even come through water pipes! In one gory sequence, he eats a plumber who is fixing a drain, girls who are washing a car in their bikinis, and, most poetically, a little boy going down a Slip n’ Slide that has a plastic shark at the end.
The sprinklers attack
Ava and her merry band of ghost hunters have just learned all of the town’s darkest secrets from the maritime museum keeper when not-so-bright Cameron throws a cigarette butt into a trash can, starting a fire. The sprinklers are set off, so, naturally, Ghost Shark arrives through the sprinkler water and eats the museum keeper.
The coffee pot attack
Ghost Shark hides inside the water used to brew a pot of coffee. When someone drinks a cup of the Ghost Shark coffee, Ghost Shark manifests itself from INSIDE HIS INTESTINES, splitting him in half.
The fire hydrant attack
Some punk city kids crack open a fire hydrant and are playing in its spray. Blaise and Cicely arrive and start screaming at the kids to turn off the hydrant because they just know that Ghost Shark is gonna swim himself through that fire hydrant and eat all those kids. Well, Blaise and Cicely were right, because Ghost Shark swims right through the fire hydrant and eats the top half of one of those kids, leaving nothing but severed legs just walking around with no body attached.
The rain attack
It’s raining. You know what that means…