The Royalist

10.11.13

Penis Beakers and Constipated Dolls: What Mothers REALLY Want To Know

The cult British parenting website has the answers to all the questions every parent has ever asked, and quite a few most of us haven't as well.

The parenting website Mumsnet (think Reddit for Moms) saw a discussion thread go viral this week after a poster asked whether any other users of the website had a "penis beaker"—a beaker of water by the bed that her husband could dunk his member in after having sex (the bathroom was all tied up—by her).

“We have a dedicated post-sex cleanup area on the bedside table,” the poster, using the name SaraCrewe, wrote. “A box of tissues, a small bin, and a beaker of clean water for temporary cleaning/dunking while the bathroom is occupied by me. Apparently our penis beaker is strange and not the done thing. Does everyone else just lay there in a post-coital glow until morning? Really?”

After some users questioned whether she was just trolling and asked detailed practical questions (Is the water warm? Does it overflow? How does one avoid mixing up the "spermy" water with nighttime drinking water?), SaraCrewe added, “I have only ever slept with my husband and we've always done this! Might have started when we were teens and couldn't make a dash to the bathroom in our parents’ houses. Luckily my drinking water is in a sports bottle.”

So what are some of the other classic Mumsnet discussion threads? We rounded up some of the best...

“CentreParcs and Anal Sex”

A poster named Shadyl started this thread in January 2012, about the popular British family holiday parks which are famously covered in a giant plastic dome so the weather can’t interfere with your holiday.

For the past 4 years I've been badgering DH (“darling husband’) for us to go to Center Parcs. Eventually we went to Center Parcs, Longleat over the Christmas period (it was great) and I noticed that he had packed a tube of KY but didn't think anything of it. So we get back home and he makes some silly joke about 'no bumfun' despite 'my promises'.

Now there is no way in hell anything is ever going up my back bottom so I questioned what he meant (assuming he was joking). And he said that "according to Mumsnet" Center Parcs = anal sex. Apparently I had told him this over 4 years ago.

I have no memory of this link between Center Parcs and anal. Can someone confirm that there is a Center Parcs/anal meme?

I pooed on my skirt at work today

Today was an 'upset tummy' day.

I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty. Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.

I got away with it.

The delivery man has my remote control and I have his dooda...

Delivery man arrived at 12pm.

I ran to the door with the remote control in my hand as experience tells me if you don't get there fast they leave.

So, opened door, he handed me box. Put box on floor. He handed me the signing thing so I handed him the remote control so I could hold and sign signing thing. I said thank you. Shut door. Walked into living room and realised I was holding signy thing and he had my remote control.

I thought he'd realise and come back but it's nearly 9 o'clock when they finish for the day and he hasn't come back. How do I get my remote control back? I emailed yodel to explain an got a automated reply saying my parcel has been delivered and signed for?

Yes I know that but you've got my remote control, wankers, and I can't change the channel without hassle.

10 year old ds (darling son) just been asking about sex toys and what they are made of...

Having established he found out about them on the Internet I made a mental note to check parental controls I stammered my way through a child friendly explanation, whilst his horror visibly increased, as did my own trauma.

He then asked about the duck ones his father had brought home a while ago.

Turns out he was thinking about Stress toys.

We have agreed to Brain bleach and never speak of this again.

I wish I still drank.

Funniest bit of childbirth

My funniest bit was that during every contraction my boobs squirted milk, at quite high velocity and I got the irritating consultant's glasses while he was telling me I wasn't in proper labour.

Second funniest, midwife asked me to rate my pain 1-10 periodically and at one point I said 9. She rushed up to give me some entenox....but I was actually just telling hubbie what the missing number was on his sudoku because he was stuck.

I've just cupped my CO's penis by accident.

I work at a friendly, very well known company and have since the very beginning of their existence. All of the original staff do hugs and kisses on the cheeks as we have worked through thick and thin together.

My CO came over to introduce me to someone who is hoping to become a corporate client and went in for a hug.

I was totally unprepared and only got one arm around, the other was left straggling and I accidentally cupped his balls.

WE BOTH KNOW I CUPPED HIS BALLS, so we exchanged a, 'I know you know I just felt your balls look.'

Baby Born Doll Not Pooing - Really Frustrating

Bought a Zapf Baby born doll for my two year old. Fed her the starchy porridge thingy that comes with the doll and now me and my husband have tried everything in the instructions (and a bit more) and she won't do a poo on her potty. I know it's not the end of the world  but it is making me frustrated and I suspect the doll will get all mouldy inside if not cleaned up (which again requires you to put water in her and then make her do a poo). Raising my kids was probably easier than this.

Someone has re-named their wifi to: "My neighbour’s a c**t"

I go to access my wi-fi on my mobile phone and see the above …

I get disproportionately angry when songs do not make sense

In the car today, radio on, and they start playing All Around The World by Lisa Stansfield. Instantly I felt the rage creeping up.

'Been around the world and I, I

I can't find my baby,

I don't know why, why he's gone away '

YES YOU FUCKING DO, LISA! Allow me to refer you to your own words, not 30 seconds ago, when you said (and I quote):

'We had a quarrel, and I let myself go

I said so many things, things he didn't know

And I was oh, oh so bad'

And then, and then, LISA, you go on to say

'I did too much lying, wasted too much time'

So you do know, you know exactly why he's gone away, so you should just STFU and concentrate on finding him to apologize. Not singing that bullshit trying to make us feel sorry for you, when clearly it is all YOUR FAULT.

I feel better for that. Anyone else?

Looking for a Governess - may I look here?

Are you a spinster with no hope of attracting a husband?

Have you sublimated your sexual urges by learning Latin and Embroidery?

Are you in want of £7 a year?

Please apply to the address below and my husband and I may consider you for the post of schoolroom guardian for our twins, Fortnum and Mason. Fortnum is well behaved, but Mason appears to be a little more of a scamp.

Be warned - my husband's night time demands are rigorous and I am of an age where this is most tiresome. You may be called upon to press rather more than the children's clothes.