Pining to hear Scandal’s Olivia and Fitz whisper sweet nothings? Itching for the erotic details of Jess and Nick's New Girl dalliance? Amy Zimmerman dives into fall TV fan fiction. (Yes, it exists.)
Some fans of TV shows gossip about their favorite characters with co-workers and friends. Some #write #obsessively #about #them on Twitter. And some, well, they create elaborate fictional narratives about them. Behold the most captivating, original, NSFW fan fics based on fall’s returning TV shows. Because true dedication is imagining your favorite TV characters sexing each other up, and sharing all of your furtive fantasies on the World Wide Web.
New Girl’s first two seasons revolved around the non-starting love affair between Nick Miller (Jake Johnson) and Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), a will-they-or-won’t-they of epic proportions. Jess is an emotional teacher who loves arts and crafts, while Nick is a broke man-child with a limited range of emotions and facial expressions. This odd couple sizzles onscreen; their super gratifying first kiss is the new best thing to watch when you’re having a horrible day (my apologies to Susan Boyle’s original Britain’s Got Talent audition clip). Fans are clearly obsessed with the duo. Nick and Jess’ first kiss (and first other stuff) is fan fiction fodder. While many of the stories feature moves that would make Zooey Deschanel blush, “Slow Burn” is a relatively sweet take on the Nick and Jess romance, and a good way to revisit the sexual tension now that Nick and Jess are together IRL (or at least on TV).
“Closing her eyes again, Jess leaned her head back against the couch. She hated this. She hated fighting with him—but she didn’t know how else to deal with her pesky emotions…The undeniable attraction she felt towards him. He drove her crazy. It was quite embarrassing; the time she spent laying in bed thinking about him—thinking about him in ways a roommate, a friend shouldn’t be thinking about him. So instead of being adult about it, instead of either trying her hardest to get rid of these new-found emotions or acting on them…She lashed out at him.”
Scandal’s Olivia Pope (Kerry Washington) is a super smart D.C. fixer with a million cute shift dresses and tons of snappy one-liners under her belt. She’s also intimately involved with the president of the United States, Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III (Tony Goldwyn). These are two people who definitely shouldn’t be having an affair. And neither of them have much free time to spare on illicit hook ups in the White House’s janitor’s closet. Luckily, there’s always time to get explicit in fan fic world. In “Walk Away,” Olivia and Fitz act more like pining teenagers than political masterminds, sharing their innermost feelings, paired with tons of tender touching.
“Fitz,” Olivia began hesitantly, “why do you love me?”
“Well for starters have you looked in the mirror; you’re absolutely breathtaking,” Fitz looked down at her, his grey eyes shining. “You’re confident, intelligent, compassionate, a true force of nature. You keep me in line, yet every moment I share with you, I feel like a little boy about to kiss his crush on the playground. Every time I touch you, every time I kiss you, every time I’m with you, I feel alive. I know you would do anything for me, give anything for me. I trust you, Livi. Your intentions—your heart, you have the biggest heart I know—both are pure. You only want what’s best for me. I can’t imagine my world without you in it. You’re all I ever wanted yet never knew I needed. And if you ever forget or need affirmation, let me know. I’ll never get tired of telling you,” he said wholeheartedly.”
Grey’s Anatomy prides itself on its male heartthrobs. McSteamy, McDreamy, and McOMGJacksonIsSoHot—the list goes on and on. But the fan fiction world is so over all that heteronormativity. Calzona—that’s the delicious sounding couple name for Callie Torres (Sara Ramirez) and Arizona Robbins (Jessica Capshaw)—is officially the Internet’s favorite Grey’s Anatomy couple. “For Love and Softball” offers a unique take on the Calzona relationship, reimagining the women as members of the U.S. Olympic Softball team. While author bowlingstar11 may not have invented the idea of lesbians playing softball, this story breathes new life into the cliché by throwing the entire Grey’s Anatomy cast on the diamond. That is, except for the team member who’s inexplicably named Naomi Campbell. Hey, it’s bowlingstar11’s world, and we’re just living in it (and loving it).
“3-1.” Webber calls the count after Callie watches another pitch barely miss the strike zone. The batter gives Arizona a cocky little smile, just playing with the newcomer while she has the blonde on the ropes. Another pitch, and this time it’s just the one the Latina has been waiting for. With a twist of her strong hips, powerful arms bring the aluminum bat around like perfection and connect with leather. Brown eyes watch the hit, and follows through with power. All eyes watch as the yellow ball bounces off their co-captains bat and flies through the air. Only to land on the other side of the fence.
“Jesus…” Arizona breathes out, watching the ball during its entire journey.
As Callie rounds first at a nice, leisurely pace, brown eyes find blue…
Gleeks are as passionate about the long-running show as Will Schuester (Mathew Morrison) is about experimenting with hair products. And fans of Klaine—Kurt Hummel (Chris Colfer) and Blaine Anderson (Darren Criss), duh—are very, very passionate. Ever wonder how dedicated one person can be to a fictional gay romance between two wildly talented high schoolers? Look no further than “Kiss,” author Foraworldundeserving’s ode to Klaine’s metamorphosis. This fan fiction is a literary wonder, re-envisioning that couple’s first kiss a grand total of 234 times. You just can’t make fun of that kind of love and dedication.
The first kiss is always the one that stays in people’s minds forever, but Kurt was sure the second was pretty damn good too, possibly better. Of course, there was no real comparison. The first was beautifully sweet and hesitant, two people finally finding themselves in each other. The second…Blaine moaned against his lips and entwined his fingers in Kurt’s hair and Kurt could barely breath because he caused that. In turn, he wrapped his arms around Blaine’s neck and even though he was totally petrified and had no idea what he was doing, he just let himself go.
Pretty Little Liars
Pretty Little Liars is set in the fictional town of Rosewood, Pennsylvania, otherwise known as the hormone capital of the United States, and quite possibly the world. In between dodging murder attempts and freaking out over mysterious text messages (seriously guys, just block A’s number), the Liars still manage to sleep with their high school English teachers, seduce their neighbors, and experiment with their sexuality. This unique set of sexy priorities is a huge hit in the Pretty Little Liars fan fic community, which basically consists of a bunch of tweens sitting in front of their computers, trying to figure out the fastest way to make as many characters as possible sleep together as quickly as possible. But all this fictitious boning has real consequences, of the Teen Mom variety. “Positive” (get it?!) is a sort of cross between Pretty Little Liars and The Secret Life of the American Teenager. The basic premise of the fan fic is that Hanna, Spencer, and Aria are all pregnant. We assume that this news will put a damper on Spencer’s Ivy League aspirations, and will limit Aria’s knee-high sock budget. The best part of this story is by far this hilarious, syntactically inconsistent pregnancy reveal, when Aria comes clean to her English teacher-turned-luvah, Ezra Fitz (Ian Harding).
“Listen, we need to talk!” I said, I needed to get this over with now. So, I took his hand and led him to the couch.
“Is everything alright?’
“Okay, so I’m just going to come out and say it. Ezra, I’m pregnant!” He laughed, and that’s what hurt me, not the glare from his eyes, or the frown on his mouth. It was his joke laugh.
“Aria now’s not the time to be messing around!”
“Who says I’m messing around?” I stood up from the couch, not able to look into his mocking eyes.
“I have a seven-year-old son, who I just met, and now you’re saying you’re pregnant and its just plain bull.
“I am pregnant Ezra!” I screamed that at him, I was fuming mad, that if I was a cartoon you could actually see me blowing smoke out of my ears.
“I thought this relationship was real, but to you it’s just a joke! And you’re just being a selfish bitch.”
The Vampire Diaries
The Vampire Diaries is a CW fantasy/romance/drama about a supernatural love triangle. In other words, it’s fan fiction catnip. Just search the “Delena” tag on Tumblr if you don’t believe me. Thousands of Vampire Diaries stories float around the interwebs, and every single one is way too explicit for its target audience. “If You Can Afford Me” is one of these ridiculously NSFW stories, and it doesn’t disappoint. Author Katy5219, who’s either a very sexually satisfied older woman or a painfully precocious 12-year-old, follows the Fifty Shades fan fiction model (transplant supernatural characters into the human world, throw in some kink, maybe an anal bead or two, and hopefully get a huge book deal). Her story follows Damon and Salvatore, who are now the wealthy businessmen behind Salvatore, Inc., a multimillion-dollar company that sounds a lot like a mob front. Damon is stressed at work, and his brother can tell he’s in need of some sexual healing. Don’t worry, Katy5219 is not about to go full incest on you. In this scene, Stefan passes Damon the business card of a classy escort, Elena. The dialogue is to die for: we’d love to see this fan fic made into a Lifetime movie, if only to watch a sultry Stefan substitute tell his brother that “business comes first.”
“And you think I would? That I would actually pay some washed up woman to have sex with me?” Damon asked incredulously.
“You seem desperate enough. Look, you don’t even know the best part yet. She’s high class. She gets paid for her services, but most of all for keeping her mouth shut. She’s bound by a confidentiality agreement to each of her…Clients.” Stefan explained.
“You know, I always thought I’d be the one shoving you towards women of questionable morals, Stefan. I think this would be the one time our father would actually smack you over the head.” Damon rolled his eyes. This whole situation was surreal. He was getting hooked up through his baby brother.
“Look, this isn’t the ideal situation for me either, but I need you focused. If this is the way to do that, then I have to encourage it. Business comes first.”
The early 1900s was an era when ankles were super scandalous. So, the characters on Downton Abbey are about as repressed as television casts get. Men value propriety over honest emotion, while women indicate sexual desire by heaving their chests under elaborately beaded frocks. Basically, Downton Abbey reminds us how people acted about sex before the Internet was invented. But that doesn’t mean that Downton doesn’t have its fair share of romance. The main couple is the young, good-looking pair of Mathew (Dan Stevens) and Mary Crawley (Michelle Dockery). However, fan fiction exists in a democratic world where anyone with a Tumblr can be a famous author, and even old people get to do it all the time. The fan fic “Store Cupboard Spies” focuses on Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes, two of Downton’s most beloved and elderly servants. If the cupboard is a rockin’, don’t bother knockin’.
She extracted the store cupboard key from the others and turned it in the lock. As she entered the door, she started, “Mr. Carson, are you sure…”
She never got the chance to finish the sentence.
Charles shut the door soundly behind him and grabbed her about the waist, turning her into his arms. Leaning heavily against the door, he fervently sought her lips with his own. Forget telling her how he felt. He would surely show her. Propriety be damned.