Suzanne Somers rose to fame as a wacky blonde bombshell on Three’s Company. Clearly, life imitates art. The 67-year-old star came out of the closet as a full-fledged crazy this week, publishing an article on WSJ.com claiming that Obamacare, the noted socialist Ponzi scheme, is destined to raise premiums, compromise the quality of healthcare, and invade the privacy of countless Americans. But that’s just the tip of the insanity iceberg. Somers started ranting and opining decades before Amanda Bynes had even opened a Twitter account. We collected a few of the actress’ craziest quotes, ranging from the inefficacy of chemotherapy to Somers’s own rampant sex life. Pharmaceutical conspiracies, “Somercising,” and elderly libidos, oh my!
On having lots of sex:
The actress took Miley Cyrus to task this year when the former Disney Star hypothesized that sex stops after 40. Somers wasn’t about to let that one go, and went on The Talk to insist that she and Alan Hamel, her husband of 36 years, have sex “a couple times a day”, largely due to the fact that “he’s on hormones and I’m on hormones.” We would say TMI, but we’re pretty sure Suzanne Somers doesn’t know what that means.
On having a rockin’ libido:
Want to learn more about Suzanne Somers’s libido? No? Too bad, because she’s got a whole lot more to say. Somers, who went on Oprah to discuss her complicated daily hormone routine in 2009, has explained, "Because I replaced my hormones to optimal levels I have a very rockin' libido, which is so great at this stage of the game…When you are hormonally balanced, you're kind of, how do I describe it, juiced up."
On never exercising:
Turns out Somers, the visionary behind “somercising” (her very own diet and exercise regime), has never been to an actual gym. She’s probably too busy having crazy sex and sending photographic evidence to Miley Cyrus. “I actually have never been to a gym. I haven't had time. I have been working for the last 25 years. I just don't have time to put on a little outfit and go to the gym and workout and clean up and come home. That's a half a day.”
On her strong son-in-law
Further expounding on her exercise habits, Somers has bragged, “I happen to have the benefit of having a son-in-law who was the former Mr. France and a trainer. I like being his benefactor and I like the way he works.” We’d love to be a fly on the wall at a Somers family Thanksgiving.
On seeking advice from ‘old people’:
Do you seek life advice from your beloved grandparents, aunts, and other senior family members? Well you shouldn’t, because they’re drugged out zombies. At least that’s what Somers asserts in this excerpt from her 2012 book Bombshell: “Who do you go to for wisdom? Who are the elders of your pack? Think about it; your aunts, your grandparents? Sadly, most of them are on the ‘old age cocktail’ of drugs that unfortunately, slowly, over time, eliminates the ability to think clearly. Years of wisdom are lost, which is a tragedy for them and for us.”
Why she never takes drugs:
Have you ever used a pharmaceutical drug to cure an illness? How silly of you. According to Somers, we should all be taking personalized bioidentical hormones based on our stool samples instead. “My bioidentical hormones come from a Harvard twin major who was the first doctor to prescribe bioidentical hormone replacement therapy – BHRT –In the '70s. My hundred-plus supplements are based on blood, urine, and stool testing to 'fill my tank' perfectly," Somer has said. "I am proud of being 65, almost 66, and in perfect health. I don't take even one pharmaceutical drug."
She can’t retain water:
Stars, they’re nothing like us! At least not if you’re Suzanne Somers, who doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of a universal biological fact. According to the enlightened celeb, “I don't particularly gain water; I don't have water retention.”
What killed Patrick Swayze:
Suzanne Somers thinks Patrick Swayze was killed by chemotherapy. We’ll just give you a second for that to sink in. At the Toronto Film Festival in 2009, Somers reportedly told a reporter that “They took a beautiful man” and “put poison in his body.” She continued, “Why couldn’t they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins? . . . I hate to be this controversial…but I have to speak out.”
Why chemotherapy doesn’t work:
But that’s not all Somers has to say about chemotherapy. A breast cancer survivor herself, Somers has been quoted as saying, "We all know that chemotherapy does nothing for pancreatic cancer." Somers also believes that chemotherapy is ineffective for both lung and breast cancer.
On diets and mass shootings:
Following 2012’s tragic Sandy Hook shooting, many Americans were speechless. Suzanne Somers was not one of them. The star accused diet and household toxins of electrifying shooter Adam Lanza's brain, saying, "Everybody's looking at guns—I look at it and go, 'what is the diet of that guy who went nuts? What toxins was he exposed to? What kind of household cleaners are they using?'"
On diets and mass shootings, vol. 2:
Offering more proof that the actress isn’t afraid of controversy, Somers spoke to the press about a supposed conversation she had with a neuroscientist after the Columbine shooting. According to Somers, “He at that time said to me, around the time of Columbine, you're going to see a lot more shoot-em-ups…He said brains of young people have been over-electrified. Most young people have been exposed to chemicals, for the most part starting in the womb, by well-meaning mothers drinking diet sodas thinking they were doing something good for their babies."
On why celebrities should be left alone:
Somers has gotten a lot of flak for her crazy assertions and half-assed medical theories. But she doesn’t take too well to criticism. Somers defended herself to The Huffington Post in 2009, explaining, "Celebrities are easy to pick on…But I don't have an agenda. I'm just a passionate lay person. And I'm using my celebrity to do something good for people."
On why America is awesome:
And finally, what might be the craziest, but also the most inspirational quote of the bunch: “I am also an entrepreneur, and entrepreneurs made America the most exceptional and wealthiest country in the world, excelling in technology, science, medicine, physics, literature and, most of all, self-reliance and unbridled imagination. I love America and feel blessed to have been born into the greatest idea since the dawn of civilization." God bless America, and God bless Suzanne Somers.