Tech + Health
06.09.14 8:12 PM ET
Most Creative ‘Net Neutrality’ Comments on the FCC Website
It’s been eight days since John Oliver’s epic Internet troll to arms (see minute 11:05) in which he urged commenters to spew their vitriol against the FCC and save net neutrality like only they know how.
“Good evening, monsters. This may be the moment you’ve spent your whole lives training for. We need you to get out there,” he beseeches them. “For once in your lives, focus your indiscriminate rage in a useful direction. Seize your moment. Turn on caps lock and fly, my pretties, fly! Fly!"
They did. Within hours, comment warriors had virtually broken the Federal Communication Commission’s comment section. Now, back up after an extended crash, the section showcases close to 70,000 responses. Some are heartfelt— gut-wrenching homilies harkening to the days of American freedom. Others are a more recognizable brand, along the lines of: “you scum-sucking motherf*&kers."
But nestled between long-winded speeches and trolly one-liners are some enterprising, artistic responses waging a visionary war against “cable news f*&ckery.”
John Oliver says jump—they say, ‘how high’.
One outside-the-boxer posted the sheet music for Take 5, composed by Paul Desmond and performed by The Dave Brubeck Quartet. Nothing like the greatest-selling jazz single of all time to blow the FCC’s socks off.
This user sings the praises of Kickstarter in order to paint a picture of the Internet as a “powerful being." (and make Kickstarter look really good): “Would you like to now [sic] how much money it has currently? At 12:58 AM on a thursday, EDT, it has 3,475,690 dollars. Did you read that number? Let me repeat it. 3,475,690 dollars. And. Jumping.”
Ebay is auctioning off their idea (but you can also make an offer)
“Jerre” is doing that sly change-the-subject trick with a simple: “Where is the DO NOT text list?”
Congressmen are make-believing they hold a position that still demands respect (sorry, Luis R. Garcia (D-FL.)
Some commenters are dabbling in rhetorical questions: “Excuse me, but haven't we, the people, given you access to our streets to lay your cable? You are beholden to us. All airwaves our ours to let you use wisely, including the internet. Did not we, the people, develop the internet, i.e. universities supported by we, the people?”
A commenter named “Verna Bacon” is shooting for the stars (because, why not.) “Free all natural resources, including ‘air waves’ please” —Verna Bacon
T-Mobile is wiping the smile off that pink dress lady in their commercials
A user called “Test Test” is...playing mind games. Or, wait.. “test test test test test test test test test”
“Brian T” is making this fight about cats and stuff: “Let’s save the animals of the animal kingdom”
“Tiger Lion” is opting for slam poetry:
“I LOVE THE FCC TOO!!!! I THINK THE FCC IS WONDERFUL!!!!! GOD BLESS THE FCC FOR
EVERYTHING THAT THEY DO OVER THERE. I'M IN LOVE WITH THE FCC. I HOPE THAT NO MORE
VIOLENCE AND NUDITY IS EVER SHOWN ON TELEVISION AGAIN!!!!!!! I HAVE SPOKEN. THE END.”
“Pea Tear Griffon” is singing what goes up must come down while reading Nathaniel Hawthorne.
“Good luck and pray that Karma doesn't attach a Freddy Krueger like scarletletter to your entire body.”
The Nevada Women’s Fund is putting the FEMINISM in FCC.
“Maritza” is using this as leverage to get help with her water bill: “I've been living at this address for almost five years now...my water bill has always been from 80.00-125.00 never more, this last bill is 263.00 more than double.”
Some people (or at least this guy) are plotting a move to Canada.
One chemist has the science behind why this will ruin everything: "The results are very negative on learning, and the ability to critical think thru data, and its impacts on my students are visible, if we do not act now to restore net neutrality, this form of censorship in promotion of data harvesting, in favor of commerce with lead to a permanent dumbing down of the internet, so cat videos pop up in pure science research."
One guy is trying (and, sort of, succeeding) at turning this into an Airplane joke.
But it may be the subtly and grace of “Jim Wardell”’s response that wins the day: “Hi.”
Long live the Internet.