08.02.14 10:45 AM ET
Fifty Shades of Presidential FanFiction
While Warren G. Harding was a real life lothario and aspiring E.L. James, for those presidents who don’t have love letters, this Internet fanfiction will have to suffice. (Warning: Mitt Romney is in here.)
President Warren G. Harding was clearly so infatuated with his mistress Carrie Fulton Phillips that he took time away from his political career, familial obligations, and loving and devoted wife to try his hand at poetry: "I love your poise/ Of perfect thighs/ When they hold me in paradise."
On Wednesday the Library of Congress released its treasure trove of Harding love letters. The collection spans Harding's 15-year affair with Phillips, and consists of a good deal of naughty allusions and sensual pillow talk. The epistles include such gems as, "I feel that there will never be any relief until I take a long, deep, wild draught on your lips and then bury my face on your pillowing breasts," as well as a cheeky offer to take Phillips to "Mount Jerry," a "wonderful spot." It quickly becomes way too apparent that this is not a scenic romantic vista, but rather code for Harding's own nether regions.
The knowledge that our 29th President was a real life lothario and aspiring E.L. James comes as quite a shock. After all, the innermost sexual longings of presidents, both living and dead, have long been the stuff of rumor and conjecture. It is within the president's best interest to keep his private life private; while we may be gifted with the occasional photo spread of Obama shooting hoops with a visiting dignitary, pseudo transparency has no place in the presidential boudoir.
But despite our lack of concrete evidence, we know that every president was a sexual being in his own right...so the Internet, in its infinite wisdom, horniness, and boredom, has taking on the task of filling in the blanks. From the objectively sexy (JFK, Bill Clinton), to the arguably silver fox-y (George Washington, Thomas Jefferson), to the just plain not cute (looking at you, Lincoln) no former president has escaped un-objectified, joining Harding in claiming their posthumous sex symbol status.
George Washington was the first president of the United States, and arguably one of its most beloved. But despite our extensive knowledge of Washington as a leader and a statesman, the collective lore that surrounds Washington is far more focused on his relationship to a cherry tree than his sex life. While we know that Washington married Martha Custis, a young widow, in 1759, we have no intimate details about this partnership. In fact, Martha Washington went so far as to purposefully burn the letter correspondence she kept with her husband before she died, in an attempt to maintain their privacy. Unfortunately for Martha, today's history buffs are nosy perverts, and Washington's penchant for privacy has done little to stop wild conjecture. In this Slash Fic (that’s Fan Fiction lingo for gay stuff) gem, a young general Washington must fight his greatest battle yet… against his own homosexuality (gasp!).
"It had been so easy to debauch himself, to press his lips to the other man's. He had been so eager to shove his hand down the front of the other man's breeches, to stroke… a wave of nausea and guilt passed over him and he set his plate upon the ground. He glanced at his men and at the other circles finishing breakfast and starting to go about the business of the day, totally oblivious to the fact that George's world was unraveling at the seams."
Martin Van Buren and William Henry Harrison, our 8th and 9th Presidents respectively, were stunningly unremarkable. Harrison's crowning achievement was becoming the first U.S. president to die while in office, while Van Buren was wildly despised for his role in the Panic of 1837. He was even nicknamed "Martin Van Ruin" by his political opponents, which seems sort of harsh. Other than Van Buren's really silly facial hair, which might fulfill some sort of extremely niche fetish, neither of these presidents has the makings of a sex symbol. How lovely, than, that one Internet denizen took the time to help these forgotten statesmen find sexual satiation…with each other! Surprise plot twist!
“William Henry leaned forward and kissed Martin atop his bald head before inhaling deeply. The salty smell of Martin’s scalp filled his Roman nose. Martin turned to face him and reached upwards with his lips. William Henry placed a hand on his cheek and led him in. Their kissing was tender at first. Martin felt if they could just keep kissing like this, time would stop. This one moment would last forever. If they could only keep kissing.”
Abraham Lincoln used his term as the 16th President of the United States to win the Civil War and abolish slavery. Posthumously, he's taken on a side gig as a zombie hunter, as well as a gay icon. Lincoln's alleged homosexuality re-entered the public debate in 2005 with the publication of C.A. Tripp's The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln, which describes Lincoln's close personal relationships with a series of men.
While Lincoln's "true" sexuality is gossip fodder, at least one Lincoln fan is an ardent believer in Lincoln's raw, sensual heterosexuality. That would be Catherine DeVore, a stalwart erotica scribe and author of the Abraham Lincoln: Presidential Fuck Machine saga, which is really too filthy to even excerpt here. Suffice to say that if presidential historians read this series, they wouldn't be so scandalized by the mere suggestion that Lincoln often co-bunked with male friends and colleagues.
John F. Kennedy wasn't just our 35th President—he was also a bona fide hottie. Kennedy, who was famous for his alleged affairs (most famously with one Marilyn Monroe), is one of U.S. history's most consistent sources of sex appeal. With his tousled locks, fit physique, and his dynastic access to a series of beautiful properties across the continental U.S., Kennedy is and will always be the definitive P.I.L.F. One need only refer to the "JFK is bae" Pinterest tag to know that Kennedy worship is alive and well, as teenagers across the nation display their patriotism and political know-how through posting and commenting on pictures of young Kennedy's washboard abs. While Kennedy's sex object status has generated a wealth of Internet content, this Slash Fic featuring an affair between the President and his Russian counterpart is by far the most hilarious and outrageous.
"This could only lead to one thing. It was time for a very unprofessional meeting between the two presidents.
'Well Nikita, I-' Kennedy began.
'No, no more talking,' Nikita said, cutting off Kennedy as he pressed his lips against the American president's. It was so fiery, so full of passion. Kennedy found himself kissing back. They both wanted this.
Wasting no time, the two of them clambered onto the desk, pushing aside the flag of the Soviet Union that covered it. Soon enough they were having sex, as much as one can laying on top of a desk. Kennedy was inside the Russian president. So this is what his critics meant when they said he was soft on Communism.
Any list of presidential sex symbols would be incomplete without Bill Clinton. Clinton was publicly battling his below the belt urges years before Twitter debuted the direct message. While the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal nearly sabotaged Clinton’s political career, it also succeeded in making him an attainable sex symbol. After all, nothing humanizes a great man like watching him desperately insist that oral sex isn't REALLY sex with all the ferocity of a horny, devoutly Christian High Schooler. And while Clinton swore that he "Did not have sexual relations with that woman" the fact that he was talking about sex at all makes him one of the raciest leaders of the free world. Given Clinton's very public proclivities, a surprisingly small amount of Internet energy has been dedicated to imagining Clinton's rendezvous. However, dedicated Clinton-ite's can feed their appetite with the wealth of sensual Saxophone Bill clips that have flooded the World Wide Web—we suggest playing these smooth sonic wonders in the background as you pore over the Lewinsky deposition.
Barack Obama is the 44th and current President of the United States of America. He is also a very good-looking man, or, in the words of his wife Michelle Obama, "He's got a little swag." A window into that sexy swag could be yours for the low, low price of $17.95, which is how much author Taya James is charging for Guesthouse Games, an erotic novel featuring the first couple. What's that? You'd love to read a brief synopsis?
"Alone in their isolated beachfront guesthouse in the tropical paradise of Kailua, Hawaii, our leading couple are enjoying a holiday of a lifetime. But an unexplained visit from a ghost needing help sees our couple drawn into the ancient Hawaiian spiritual world and into the exploration of their own deepest and most forbidden desires.
Whilst searching for clues to understand who this mysterious girl is that begs for the couple’s help, they uncover a number of rooms equipped to fulfill every type of erotic fantasy imaginable at the remote guesthouse they are staying at. But will our couple be able to resist the quest for sexual pleasure to help put the spirit to rest and bring about justice for a seventy year old tragedy? Or will they drown in the tides of history and their own passions?"
Honorable mention for most fantasized and fetishized politician has to go to Mitt Romney. What Romney lacks in "actually being elected president" he makes up for with the insane amount of predominately homoerotic Fan Fiction that has been written in his honor. We'll leave you with this excerpt from Bailey Marie's Dressage: A Mitt Romney/ Paul Ryan Presidential Slash-Fic:
"'Paul?’ Mitt asked, curiously. ‘Is that you?’
A meaty neigh came out of the man before him, stark naked and on all fours. He wore a mohawk of a wig, a $20,000 polished leather saddle over his back, and a plug stuffed into his backside that gave him a beautiful arching tail. He reared up onto his hind legs, revealing the horse-like manhood on his underside."