Your Shorter Democratic Debate
On the national tone:
Hillary Clinton: Continuity, stability, if you like your Democratic incrementalism, you can keep your Democratic incrementalism. I will bring America together.
Bernie Sanders: Let’s fuck shit up.
Martin O’Malley: If I talk really fast, maybe people will think I took up more time.
Sanders: I refuse to say that I’ve changed my position. Some of my best friends are guns, sourced from local, artisanal makers.
Clinton: Dagger eyes.
O’Malley: I can make myself cry.
On the opioid epidemic:
Clinton: Let me demonstrate a theoretical ability to connect on a personal level.
Sanders: I can tie this back to corporations.
On Black Lives Matter and police misconduct:
Clinton: I have been doing this for far too long to get tripped up on this question. Nice try.
Sanders: My default demeanor of outrage serves me well here.
O’Malley: Don’t look at those policy positions, look at these policy positions.
On health care:
Clinton: I will now fear-monger about the Republicans. OOOOOOO…SCARY REPUBLICANS. Here are my battle scars. Also: Here is a wedge, allow me to hammer it in.
Sanders: Surely all of America aspires to British health care standards!
O’Malley: I exist.
On the financial industry:
Sanders: Subtweet at Hillary. A Glass-Steagall reference. Jail the bankers! Smoke blunts, not CDOs!
Clinton: Where is the daylight between us? Why, I am standing much closer to Obama than Bernie is. Also: REPUBLICANS. Wooooo-wooooo scary REPUBLICANS.
O’Malley: You both disgust me.
How to pay for expanding entitlements:
Sanders: Will personally mug Wall Street bankers. I’m going to try to explain how “raising taxes on the middle class” can be technically correct but not accurately describe the outcome of my policy.
Clinton: HAHA YOU TRIED TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO VOTERS. I have a website.
On climate change:
Sanders: Oh, please. Trump. [rolls eyes]
O’Malley: I have a policy on this as well.
Sanders: Eh. Don’t love ’em, don’t hate ’em.
Clinton: Obama and I made out once.
O’Malley: [trying to remember all the words to “American Pie”]
Clinton: No ground troops; bad things are bad. I know the situation room like the back of my hand. Obama and I have met there, together, in the dark.
Sanders: Avoid quagmires. Get a load of those Republicans, perpetual wars, amirite?
O’Malley: Governors can lead in wartime. Also: Republicans, who here hates Republicans?
Clinton: I may or may not have seen Putin naked.
O’Malley: OMG YOU ASKED ME FIRST. IhavesomuchtosaygonnatalkreallyfastletNSAtrytocrackthis.
Sanders: I will “friend” Silicon Valley. Pretty sure my idealistic notion of a balance between safety and civil rights is achievable. I repeat: I have invited Silicon Valley to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
Clinton: Muslims are our first line of defense against lone wolves. (P.S.: And it turned out the Republicans were in the house the entire time.)
On Bill Clinton as a policy adviser:
Clinton: Slam. Dunk.
Sanders: You guys. Goldman Sachs. If you ask me about Bill Clinton again I will throw my vacuum pennies at you.
O’Malley: [clenching his palms so hard they bleed]
Do you have anything you didn’t get a chance to say?:
O’Malley: Really? Now?
Clinton: I happen to know about the water poisoning in Flint, Michigan! I am against it!
Sanders: Oh, girl. I see your outrage and raise you a call for resignation. And, in case the folks in the back row didn’t hear me the first time: Wall Street. I’m against it.