Big Fat Story
"I am deeply embarrassed and disappointed by the errors that required me to amend my tax returns…I apologize for the errors and profoundly regret that you have had to devote time to them.” Tom Daschle threw himself on the mercy of the Senate yesterday for the $140,000 in back taxes that ended up derailing his nomination as secretary of Health and Human Services. It was a decent, albeit somewhat generic apology. Daschle gets credit for actually saying “I apologize” (though not “I’m sorry,” a forbidden phrase inside the Beltway), and assuring us he feels like an idiot, something we always want to hear from our politicians. It was also more forceful than the one recently offered by fellow tax-forgetter Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. But it still wasn't enough: he withdrew his nomination today.
Mark Wilson / Getty Images
Does having 16 Olympic medals mean not having to say you’re sorry?
Four years ago, a 19-year-old Phelps apologized for his DUI bust. "I made a mistake,”—a clever first-person twist on “mistakes were made.” And then: “Getting in a car with anything to drink is wrong, dangerous and unacceptable…I'm extremely sorry for this.” A winning apology! But his level of contriteness has been mellowed slightly by 16 Olympic medals. After a British tabloid published a photo of Phelps taking a bong hit last week, he offered this: “I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment…For this, I am sorry.” The less-cowering tone perhaps demonstrates the difference between a teenager with an Olympic career still largely ahead of him, and a man who’s already conquered the world. Still, in the Olympics of groveling, it would probably earn at least a bronze.
Chris Gardner / AP Photo
No one rivals former Vice President Dick Cheney for intractable refusals to apologize. Even when he shot a friend in the face, he wouldn’t fully articulate those two little words. (The victim even ended up apologizing to him.) One of the few exceptions was during the campaign season last year, when he insulted West Virginia, a potential swing state, and quickly recanted. Can anyone dethrone the king of remorselessness? Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is certainly giving him a run for his money.
Photo: Mark Baker / AP Photo
The Apology Smackdown
Delivering a proper public apology is a skill that, eventually, many powerful figures are forced to learn. Lately, some big names have had to offer their mea culpas—Tom Daschle, whose apology wasn't enough to move beyond his tax problems, is only the most recent. But why do some apologies exonerate, while others just make a sorry bastard appear even more disingenuous? Here are some that persuaded us—or at least entertained.
Regretting, but not repenting, after an on-air sin.
"Amidst this tremendous media storm stirred up by imprudent remarks of mine on Swedish television, I beg of you to accept . . . my sincere regrets for having caused to yourself and to the Holy Father so much unnecessary distress and problems." So went Bishop Richard Williamson’s January 28 apology to the pope and to God—but not, it should be noted, to the Jewish people, or to anyone else offended by his televised Holocaust denial. Final judgment? An unsatisfying apology on many levels: sycophantic, aimed only at the powers-that-be, and deflective, implying that the true villain here is Scandinavian media. “Regrets” do not an apology make.
Juan Mabromata, AFP / Getty Images
Sometimes, even God himself has to ask for forgiveness. Last May, Obama had to apologize to a female reporter for calling her “sweetie.” Then, his first press conference included a beg-your-pardon for making fun of Nancy Reagan’s séances. How did Obama handle his apologies? Eloquently, of course. Both were delivered verbally and promptly over the phone. Obama’s team said he had Reagan had a “warm conversation.” And though we can only hear one of them for ourselves (he left the reporter’s apology on her voicemail, which then leaked) it sounds sincere and unhurried, and includes an implication of special press treatment next time he’s in her neck of the woods. Smooth move.
Joe Raedle / Getty Images
From Spitzer to Swaggart, these public apologies riveted us.
The bigger the misdeed, the grander—and more humiliating—the apology must be. Eliot Spitzer’s cartoonish frown told you all you needed to know about just how kinky he’d gotten with Ashley Alexandra Dupre. After Don Imus called the Rutgers women’s basketball team “nappy-headed hos,” he had to go on Al Sharpton’s radio program—the belly of the beast—to get schooled. All the way back to Jimmy Swaggart and the mother of all pubilc apologies in 1988: tears streaming, voice quaking, a rapt audience of judging congregants—now that’s good TV. Unfortunately, Swaggart had to perform a encore four years ago when he talked about killing some gays.
Mary Altaffer / AP Photo
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Yes, this to solve the age old accursed question "What do a Priest, a Preacher, 4 Politicians and a swimmer share in common?"
I was arrested once, by a Po' Carpenter (and definitely NOT Jesus) playing Village Police while getting my ex-wife pregnant not long before her abortion during my Catholic marriage. Yes, Law Enforcement. They are so reassuring, especially for the Ladies. I hear the Po' Carpenter is still at work at his Post. How Lovely. Can you hear a New Housing Crash forming in the Mafia Infested Westchester County, NY Village of Pelham Manor ... or is that me hearing Earthquakes again, a week before they hit Seattle? *big smile* I like to do my writing BEFORE the big events hit. How do you do yours? Does it always have to be after the fact for you? Always a spin on 'too little, too late'. It's a sort of 'pink collar' approach to tough love that you practice. And you wonder why it doesn't work? You're kidding, right?
Not to be too fussy, but it is "enemies both foreign and domestic". Can we expect to see some 'waterboarding' for our Banking Friends today who front run Debits on your Bank Statements while ignoring Credits made HOURS BEFORE? Surprise me Mr. Government and actually do something right.
Ooopsie, I shouldn't have said that. Maybe I will need to apologize. Or is speaking the truth ok these days?
These tax cheats should be prosecuted, like you and I would be. Obama is such a pathetic fraud. Leadership we can believe in. Yeah.
I have an issue with this layout. Why do you have Barack Obama next to these folks? You have a anti-semite and an adulturer...has Obama done anything in the vicinity to what these people have done? And the text that you use, "charm offensive" is completely contrary to what you're trying to showcase.
I feel bad for Phelps in a way.
I don't think he should be responsible for all the young people of the world simply because he's won olympic medals. The guy is 23 for crying out loud. He's hardly had a normal life. Give the guy a break! So he smoked some pot? Who cares?
If some kid was trying to decide whether or not to smoke pot, I doubt Phelps' influence would have anything to do with his decision.
If morality were left up to the celebrities' influences as "role models" we'd have one messed up world.
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