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What Fresh Hell Is This?
The satire columnist and author says it’s time to appoint a ‘Secretary of Reality’ to smack the president upside the head
I try to refrain from the alarmist statement, really I do. It's bad for the liver and worries the dog, who has plenty enough to worry about as it is. But apart from the truly gladsome tiding that O.J. Simpson was found guilty on all counts—and on the 13th anniversary of his acquittal for murder; there is a god—there isn't much frabjous joy or calloo callay in the morning paper. We've handed $700 billion over to the same folks who got us into this mess, (the U.S. government), and who know what good is going to come of that. Pete Peterson's foundation is taking out two-page ads in The Times pointing out a really inconvenient truth, namely that we face $53 trillion in unfunded liabilities. (How much is $53 trillion? Well, the GDP of the United States is about $14 trillion.) What else? Oh yes: home prices are in free fall and nearly ten million Americans are out of work. At this rate we're all going to be working at Starbucks. Michael Gill, author of How Starbucks Saved My Life, soon to be a major motion picture starring Tom Hanks, is the new Steve Jobs!
Well, as the old Chinese curse has it, we do seem to be living in interesting times. Or to put it in Sarah Palinesque terms, could this be The End of Days? Either way, the excellent Mrs. Parker's memorable phrase (above) could serve as a headline for most stories running these days. Things could be worse: my next-door neighbor, a lovely fellow by the name of Mudd, is the now ex-head of Fannie Mae.
Life in what the Readers Digest calls “These United States” has become a Good News/Bad News joke, only minus the Good News. Surely there must be … something? Isn’t Donald Trump’s casino operation tanking?
Or could they? Yesterday's New York Post, a Daily Beast if ever there were one, ran a story in which I myself—mo-meme—was depicted as-to borrow the phraseology of Keith Olbermann—The Worst Personnnn in the Worrrrrrrld! Since the matter involves a legal case, I am enjoined, despite fingers that truly itch to fire back—oh, how they itch—from climbing into this mud pit. I have to go on applying Calamine lotion to my digits. Meanwhile, don't believe everything you read, even in exemplars of journalism.
On the larger front, it's gotten to the point where I now start to twitch even before clicking on-line. Dawdling over that second cup of coffee has become like thumbing through Volume V of Gibbon's Decline and Fall (Public Sale of the Empire to Didius Julianus by the Praetorian Guards). I thought to try to inhale a bit of countervailing helium by taking a peek at a favorite website that usually affords a Comedie Humaine-type giggle, only to be greeted with the headline: PENTAGON URGED TO BOLSTER MISSILE, SPACE DEFENSES AGAINST THE CHINESE. By all means, let's add that to the national To Do list. We'll use the money we saved from not building the Bridge to Nowhere. Or did we spend it all on Gov. Palin's Road to Nowhere?
Life in what the Reader's Digest calls These United States has become a Good News/Bad News joke, only minus the Good News. There must be something, other than O.J.'s impending immuration. Isn't Donald Trump's casino operation tanking? That would be good news. And Kim Jong-Il, Dear Leader—God I love that man—didn't he just have a stroke? But before we start clog-dancing for joy, this just in: North Korea is facing another record disastrous harvest. What's more, high level voices caution that Kim Jong-Il may be followed by someone even worse. Worse than Kim Jong-Il? Is that even scientifically possible?
In both Bob Woodward's and Ron Suskind's new books (both excellent, and oh so depressing) President Bush is shown as a leader who doesn't encourage his staff to give him much by way of bad news. It's an old story. So, who wants to tell the King that Sir Lancelot is schtupping the Queen?
But given the fix we're in—two wars, an increasingly sticky situation in Pakistan, a neo-nuclear Iran, to say nothing of what the media now routinely calls, the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression, not forgetting the de facto nationalization of banks and insurance companies—you'd think someone, the first lady maybe, might have whispered in the presidential ear, Darling, you've just knocked off James Buchanan off the Worst President In U.S. History pedestal.
Every election, a presidential candidate inevitably proposes a new cabinet agency. The idea is that this is the only way to solve a particular problem. Just create more government. Why didn't we think of that before?
Last time around, Sen. Kerry proposed—I wrote it down—a Department of Wellness. Exactly what we need. It is, however, worth asking up front: where would the Secretary of Wellness come in the presidential line of succession? There's a plot for a post-apocalyptic novel: the only one left alive in the rubble is—the Secretary of Wellness. Let the healing begin!
I, for one, would propose a Secretary of Reality. So during cabinet meetings, when the President was proposing to, say, invade Iraq, or to announce a federal bailout for the kitty litter industry—the ripple effect would be calamitous!—the Secretary of Reality would cough softly, like Jeeves, and say, Mr. President, with all due respect, sir, that is a colossally stupid idea. The Secretary of Reality would probably require heavily armed bodyguards and some kind of statutory immunity. But the idea isn't so novel, really. In Shakespeare, he went by a slightly different name.
Lear: Dost thou call me fool, boy?
Fool: All thy other titles, thou hast given away; that thou wast born with.
If the rest of us—or as presidential candidates invariably call us, the good, decent, hard-working, wise, etc, American people, which is to say, we who were stupid enough to think that mortgages were just like credit cards—get heaping helpings of fresh hell day after day, oughtn't the man at the top, really, be our national taster and go first?
Christopher Buckley's current novel is Supreme Courtship.
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Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
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Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
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Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
bloomacious
So funny Mr. Buckley - I have those exact thoughts about the news lately. I've actually decided to refrain from watching for a few days because I've had acid indigestion all weekend over things. One bright spot - sales of Tums and booze should go through the roof! I think you should start a column about things to be happy about - I'm sure there must be some bright spots!
causteg
Mr. Buckley, you seem to be calling for a wise and steady hand, grounded in reality. Does this mean you'll be supporting Sen. Obama?
agonthier
Mr. Buckley,
Your proposal of a Secretary of Reality is something I have felt necessary for a long time. Back in undergraduate, one of the student organizations I was an officer of had a partially tongue-in-cheek position called "Office of the Impeacher" who's job it was to cause a ruckus (essentially) if the President or other leadership ever violated the Club Constitution or Bylaws. Needless to say, this authority was rarely used (student organizations being what they are), but nonetheless, it certainly was a good idea.
Diahni
I was always a fan of William F., though our politics are quite different. I'm both happy, and not very surprised to hear Christopher Buckley's support of Barack Obama. Perhaps some people wonder why. I am not surprised, not one bit. The Buckleys are, as we say in Massachusetts, "wicked smaaht." God knows what happened to the GOP. Thank you, CB, for your important endorsement.
Proper
You know what happens to prophets in their own country, Mr. Buckley. I've got an idea - write a novel about what it's like to be the cherished heir who gets the heave ho for noticing the emperor has no clothes. On second thought, you'll just make them madder. The old white power structure just refuses to turn the page. But they'll have to.
hac-n-sac
Oh, Mr. Buckley,you really made my day! Thank you for showing the ferocity, exhibited by your father, in expressing the veracity of the current political crisis; so marred by lies from the very beginning. I have lost temporary contact with friends for the same reason.
Your father was brilliant - but I have to say I was a JK Galbraith fan!
hac-n-sac
Oh, Mr. Buckley,you really made my day! Thank you for showing the ferocity, exhibited by your father, in expressing the veracity of the current political crisis; so marred by lies from the very beginning. I have lost temporary contact with friends for the same reason.
Your father was brilliant - but I have to say I was a JK Galbraith fan!
Judy-in-TX
Just a few side comments:
About the Debt. You're very close at $53 Trillion.
The other evening on HBO's Bill Maher, David Wallace, the former Comptroller of the US, cited the amount at $56 Trillion (what's a few trillion in this day of off-budget expenditures and Chinese no-limit credit cards, anyway?)
The key amount that made me sit up and take notice was this one: The National Debt amounts to $480,000.00 per household. The average household grosses per year about $50,000.00. (That's stomach-churning, isn't it?)
My question is: can we pay off our Visa and American Express first? (I guess I better race right down to my friendly Barnes & Noble to buy "Supreme Courtship" quick, like a bunny. I just bought John le Carre's "A Most Wanted Man" -- I figured, with $480K outstanding, I might need it for ideas.)
The other item is about the Bridge to Nowhere. For one thing, the bridge is basically built, as I understand it. But we haven't got that money to spend. Sarah Palin brags she told the feds, "Thanks, but no thanks" -- she fails to complete that thought: she kept the money in the Alaskan general fund to spend on some other pet projects.
She complains about lobbyists and the Washington elite?
She's right in there, hand out, with the best of 'em.
IBranyon
It is clear that Board of the NR lost half of its collective IQ and the only full set of gonads when it accepted your resignation for having an opinion --other than theirs, I mean.
When I saw the story on Hardball I was incensed and, in retaliation, swore to PURCHASE a subscription to the NR from whose employ you had been relieved. Then I realized the irony inherent in that move.
I'm sure they'll probably forward it to you, but I sent this note to the Editor of the NR instead:
Now we can see where the real "thugocracy" is smugly ensconced: the 'National Review.' (It's good to know that the architects of the original thugocracy, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld, and Bush, will have somewhere to work once this term is over.)
I am really surprised that Republicans don't fear Karma more after the past 8 years. Closing the door behind the founder's son for expressing his OPINION in ANOTHER medium just begs for yet another karmic response aimed at the Right. This was shameful, even by Conservative standards.
I. Branyon
Palm Springs, Ca.
I think perhaps, you would make a top drawer Secretary of Reality. Even if you had only horrid news to deliver, it would be oh so well presented. If tapped, will you serve?
I. Branyon
(Same as above)
FrankB
[I, for one, would propose a Secretary of Reality] what a brilliant idea, but then for all those large Banks that lost direction in the last 8 years of the reign of the Master of Reality, i.e. your vice-principal Mr. Cheney.
They call themselves presently chief-risk-officer, but Chief of Reality would come soo much closer.
Cavazos
They would more willingly create a Department of Virtual Reality. Instead of money coming from the Chinese the Secretary of Virtual Reality will have money coming out of thin air - that way we won't have bury ourselves in debt.
bobbywinn
I got here starting from Dailybeast.com ... I have never read anything of yours before that I am aware.... I am thoroughly enjoying reading your work.....
GlobalGramma
Oh, if only more of us were loyal to what is true, to brutal, unflinching, intellectual honesty rather than ideology and/or party! What bright and beckoning vigor might take root in our national life?
It comes down to the Ghandian principle of experiments in truth as the basis of true character and the seed-essence of real leadership.
That is the only secure foundation any of us have for the future, personally or collectively. Its absence leaves us where we are, spiraling further into the pit of acrimonious venality in our political life.
Thank you, Mr. Buckley, for being a living articulation of that road, all-too-often not taken.
It is that genuine quality of leadership that I see in Senator Obama as well. He holds himself to a higher standard and it shows. It registers at an unconscious level, even if most of us cannot name it. One can only hope that the system does not corrupt him. It appears to have already swallowed McCain whole.
rdyoung
Excepted from William F. Buckley Jr., 'Why We Need a Black President in 1980', Look Magazine (January 13, 1970)
"A great unpublicized phenomenon is the arrival in America of a class of young Negro leaders who work in the ghettos, in economic cooperatives, in straightforward social work, who are arguing that progress is possible within the System. They are harassed by the demagogy of the racists who say that America cannot make way for the Negroes. But they nevertheless survive-and they proliferate."
"It is from the ranks of these young men, now 30, 35, 40 years old, that I can imagine someone rising, in the next decade, to national prominence as a presidential candidate. When it happens, I think that it is quite possible that he will be greeted gladly by those who, having satisfied themselves that the point they are about to make will not be at the expense of the Republic, will join in a quite general enthusiasm over his election as President of the United States; who will celebrate his achievement of the highest office in the world as a personal celebration, as a celebration of the ideals of the country that by this act alone, would reassert its idealism - shrugging off, as is America's way, by practical accomplishment the chains of cynicism and despair that the detractors and the cynics wear so gladly, singing their songs of hopelessness."
incognito-ergo-sum
For awhile after 9-11 I was afraid to turn on the tv. Now I eagerly open here each day, in the hope of a new Buckley piece so that I can laugh in that way Dave Berry calls the half laugh half wheeze of the old.
I keep my spirits up by imagining a Broadway play about the McCain/Palin campaign.
I leave the hard news till xanax and bed time, so as not to spoil another perfect day.
Mr. Buckley and the comments on this site raise my spirits and soon the Winter Solstice will arrive. Obama will be president and perhaps, the Understander of Reality, all by himself.
Thank you.
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