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Bad News, Darling, We're Broke
Pampered housewives thought their gilded age would last forever. Then came the meltdown.
Mrs. Richan Vulgar is extremely unhappy these days, and Mrs. Toplofty’s got the vapors too, poor dear. There’s nothing like a global economic collapse to ruffle the serenity imparted by even the most relaxing yoga class, and it’s so difficult to enjoy your afternoon decaf skim latte as the Dow hurtles downward like some suicidal skydiver. Where’s the goddamn safety net? Oh, I forgot, Mrs. Richan Vulgar—you said you didn’t need one!
Back in 1922, when Emily Post published her manifesto on etiquette, her goal was to instruct America’s nouveaux riches—including her favorite characters, the Richan Vulgars, the Toploftys, the Eminents, and the Gildings—about how to behave. Judging by the enduring success of Post’s magnum opus, arrivistes everywhere were touchingly grateful for her primer on what to do—and what not to do.
As the economic meltdown accelerated, you could practically hear the cries of anguish emanating from such havens as New Canaan, Connecticut, a town whose Stepford-style wives were, until recently, given to saying things like “Nobody in New Canaan works!”
But the pampered wives of our own gilded age have been aggressively hostile toward anyone who tried to warn them about which pitfalls to avoid—as I discovered last year when I published a book about what happens when women stop earning a living and rely on their husbands to support them. The purpose of The Feminine Mistake was to document the dangers of economic dependency and the benefits of paying work for women; my research demonstrated that even the most affluent wives put their futures at grave risk when they sacrifice their ability to earn a living on the assumption that a high-earning husband will always foot the bill.
Nobody likes bad news, so I didn’t really expect America’s homemakers to give me any Miss Congeniality awards. But I certainly didn’t anticipate the firestorm that greeted the publication of The Feminine Mistake. To many stay-at-home moms, I instantly become Feminist Enemy Number One; I was excoriated in the blogosphere, banned and boycotted by organizations catering to homemakers, and vilified in countless television, radio and print attacks. Along with my book, they trashed my appearance, my marriage, my children, and even my dog. I was dumbfounded by the intensity of their venom; all I’d asked women to do was look at the facts, but so many reacted with such poisonous outrage you’d have thought I told them to roast their toddlers on a spit.
The facts are quite clear. When women opt out of the workforce, most intend to return later on, but the barriers to reentry are formidable, and few ever find well-paid full-time jobs with benefits. Unfortunately many women encounter challenges that unexpectedly require them to resume earning a living, from divorce to the death of a spouse; the average age of widowhood is 54, and by the time American women reach 60, two-thirds of them no longer have partners. As a result, the poverty rate among older women is twice that of men. Meanwhile, working women are not only more secure, but also happier and healthier than full-time homemakers—and their children turn out just as well as those of stay-at-home mothers.
Notwithstanding such well-established facts, the assumptions of the opt-out generation were based on fantasies: their marriages would last forever, the booming economy would expand indefinitely, and their husbands would always be healthy, employed, and raking in the big bucks. These women were infuriated by the idea that they might someday need to support their families—or that it might be difficult to do so. When I documented the barriers women encounter in returning to the workforce, stay-at-home wives insisted those obstacles would soon disappear, thanks to the “looming labor shortage”—I must have had that phrase thrown at me 800 times—that would soon be created by retiring baby boomers.
What a difference a year makes! As the economic meltdown accelerated, you could practically hear the cries of anguish emanating from such havens as New Canaan, Connecticut, a town whose Stepford-style wives were, until recently, given to saying things like “Nobody in New Canaan works!”—as one of the stay-at-home moms I quoted in my book put it.
But now the financial institutions that employed their husbands are crumbling; the men’s jobs have disappeared almost as fast as the grotesquely bloated bonuses that financed those Gatsby-esque lifestyles. Hedge funds that once seemed impregnable are evaporating like drops of water sizzling on a hot skillet. Ffftttt! All gone. Not a trace left behind.
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How Rich People Smoke Pot
Paul Schrodt is a writer living in New York City. He has contributed to New York magazine, Radar, and Esquire.com.
The Downside of Opting Out
Leslie Bennetts, a former New York Times reporter, is the author of The Feminine Mistake.
lpkunz
I agreed with you before the economic meltdown and even more so now. Men leave, men die, men lose jobs. Women need to educate themselves, earn their own money, and earn their own social security credits. If we are lucky enough to find love, marriage, children, that is the icing on the cake, but women need to be able to support themselves and stand on their own two feet. Patricia
CathyK83
I'd quite willingly call myself a feminist, and, though I haven't read your book, it sounds like I'd agree with you, too. I'm still shocked by the amount of women I came across in college who were there for their 'MRS Degree'. Not only do I intend to work until I know I'll be retiring comfortably, I don't need a man to come play superhero. Whereas I'm apparently one of few who see spouses as someone to share a life with, a ring on my left hand doesn't mean I'm suddenly inept at existence, dumbfounded by the big scary career world, and ok with just becoming a crock pot for his spawn. No thanks, I'll keep my career, and have the man as a nice side to compliment.
loirevalleygirl
I know very few stay-at-home moms who pamper themselves in the style of the photo in the article. Someone who chooses to stay home and actually enjoy the children they had is not to be crucified.
satyricaldude
Having been raised by a single mom, I probably have blinders on to people who truly believe that they should be raising their kids 24/7 as though it were a job that couldn't possibly be shared by others. To let yourself languish professionally is a choice, but a hazardous one at that.
KSalle
There are many other places, unlike New Canaan, where women who stay at home do so not to play tennis, luxuriate in the bath, or sponge off their rich husbands. Many of us stayed home because we felt that our most important job was to raise our children, be the Brownie leader, coach the soccer team, etc. Perhaps these terrible economic times make those pursuits impractical pleasures, too. I hope not. I believe that women do have a responsibility to become independent and confident, and hopefully to make their own money so that they and their children can survive if faced with tragedy or spousal infidelity and abandonment. But let's help each other rather than waging the old stay-at-home vs. worker bee battle. If each of us does the best she can, and reaches out to others who need support and guidance, we'll succeed. Meanwhile, go Obama! We women need governmental change!
amr1959
The point of this article seems to be that Leslie Bennetts was right and the nasty, pampered stay-at-home moms who hurt her feelings got theirs! Despite what she says in the piece, she seems to be taking great pleasure in saying "I told you so". The vast majority of stay-at-home moms are not indulged bitches but women who believe that being home with their children is the best choice for their family. They run the PTAs and other community organizations that everyone benefits from. They are smart, engaged people not the vapid Stepford wives Ms. Bennetts portrays. What is to be gained by taking pleasure in their financial troubles? The bottom line is neither choice is perfect. Working women have plenty of their own problems(despite what Ms. Bennetts likes to believe). As women, we should be supporting each other not stoking the stay-at-home vs. working mom fires.
theblender
Well done! What a sharp pen!
Vahappydays
I do not think that Ms. Bennetts was labeling all stay-at-home wives as pampered. It is a proven fact that the majority women are usually not responsible for the finances in a marriage and oftentimes are clueless as to what the families financial standing is as long as the bills bet paid. We are more likely than men to fall upon hard times after divorce while being more likely to get the children. Women tend to have a Scarlett O'Hara "fidlee-dee..." attitude about their finances if they are married. "I'll worry about when I need to worry about it." But the realities are that ALL women, working out-side the home, working in it, or even the ladies that lunch, need to be much, much more aware of their finances and planning for the future.
KrisNY
I don't think the point of her book or this article was to crucify stay-at-home moms (though, of course the author takes some pleasure in "proving her point", presumably because she was so harshly criticized after the publication of her book) or minimize the work involved in raising children, as suggested by some of the commenters. Instead, I think Bennetts actually makes a very pro-women message about protecting ourselves and our children.
Yes, I do happen to be very pro-working-mom for other reasons. I think working mothers set a great example to their children and I truly believe that if a mother finds fulfillment in her work, it makes her a happier, more interesting mother. I loved learning about my mother's career accomplishments as I was growing up and I think the pride I had in my mother's career (which she left when she had her first child) made me all the more determined not end my career once I had children. Kids can value and look up to their mothers for more than "always being around" and running the school bake sales. It is time we expanded and re-defined what it means to be a good mother and that our country show some real commitment to helping families balance dual careers and children.
I find the defensiveness of stay-at-home mothers irritating because the true barriers women face in our society have to do with moving up in the workplace, NOT fulfilling "traditional" roles as wives and mothers. I also understand that many women chose to leave the workforce because they see very real barriers to effectively balancing career and family and re-entering the workplace after even short gaps to have children. I say let's focus on those barriers, not protecting the self-esteem of stay-at-home mothers.
SouthCarolinaliberal
the average age of widowhood is 54, and by the time American women reach 60, two-thirds of them no longer have partners.
I'm very confused by this statement. The average age where in America?
I can agree with the second part--divorce, but I'm in my late 50's, was the youngest person at an event last night and the only one without a husband
I do agree that every woman has to be self sufficient. I have been advising my friends for decades to earn their own money, and always keep most of it in their own name plus more
AIMZ22
What has not been mentioned here is the fundamental fact that SOMEONE has to raise the children. If a biological mother chooses to have a job outside the home, who will be raising her children? Hiring cheap immigrant labor for childcare is one option, but is it wise to out source the most important job in your life ? Childrearing must be given the respect it deserves and any real feminist discussion will include the debate about how the US lags behind all other Western nations in family leave programs and quality childcare options. Highlighting a tiny fraction of American stay at home women in New Canaan, CT and using them as the prototype for American women, those working outside the home or working inside the home, does a huge disservice to the multitude of American women. Calling oneself a feminist is all well and good but a real feminist is one who works toward the quality of life improvement for all women, not just for herself and her book.
gianabanan
I agree that mothers should have a career. I assure you, though, that most non-paid mom's anger comes from hearing Bennett's snide hypothesis that they should be working. These women work without pay for various reasons.They want to raise their own children. Their husband's jobs are so demanding that someone has to take care of the household (and hubby's help around the house is insufficient). And, God forbid, darling husband's job has become so successful, thanks to the stay-at-home mom's assistance, that it is paramount that someone handle the house, the kids, etc. while the other half is working, playing golf, etc. I say I do "God's work" when I take care of my children or volunteer for organizations that help the underprivileged population. But if I could, I would still be working, at least part-time and paid, just in case of an emergency. Believe me - I feel this even more now.
workshop
I thought I lived in an affluent area, however it is certainly not equal to the New Caanan level. Most of the households have an executive dad (no Joe Plumbers) and a stay at home mom with three kids and a lab. There are jokes about the town where many women are seen in the local Kings wearing tennis attire on their way to meet a contractor (who they inevitably sleep with...ie Joe the Plumber). Many of these women eventually become bored, and with their kids growing more independent eventually look for work. I started a new career as an appraiser 8 years ago. This was great. I had flex hours, a good income, and a sense of accomplishment. I just lost my job. When you combine my age and my industry the result is a bleak future. It is reality, whether at home, rich, poor married or not, when you stop working your life changes. I have no idea if I will ever reenter given the number of younger people entering the workforce and the multitude of experienced professionals looking for the same high paying salaries. As for the NC queens...now it's time to say goodbye to all the lovely people you kept employed...Maria, Juan, Domingo, the Korean nail lady, the organic food nutritionist, pilates instructor, etc. The whole economy is in disarray and I am afraid what is coming down the road.
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