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Bad News, Darling, We're Broke
The Mrs. Richan Vulgars can scarcely believe what’s happening. “People are totally freaking out,” says Marilena Greig, a divorced New Canaan stay-at-home mom I interviewed for The Feminine Mistake. “I go to yoga in Greenwich with a lot of these women who spend their days shopping. Now their husbands have lost their jobs, and people are terrified. They’re pulling the plug on everything; they’re telling their kids, ‘That’s it!’ These are people who live in 30,000-square-foot houses, but a lot of them live on the edge; they’re leveraged not only in their accounts, but in their lives. There are a lot of ‘For Sale’ signs on these properties now, but the houses are not moving. And two-thirds of the marriages in Fairfield County end in divorce. There are so many women going to these job counselors, but they’ve been out of the work force for 20 years. What do they do to make money? How do they support their lifestyles?”
My questions precisely. But last year, these women didn’t want to think about such things, and now it’s too late. Marilena Greig was smarter than most; after I interviewed her, she decided not to wait until her alimony ended, and went out and found a job. It’s not an easy gig—cold-calling to sell supplemental insurance on commission, with no salary. But Greig is the kind of go-getter who could sell ice to Eskimos, so she’s doing great.
Most women in her situation are far less fortunate; for every happy ending I come across, I must hear a thousand hard-luck stories from women in desperate straits who are unable to earn a living. As for that “looming labor shortage” that was supposed to conjure up fabulous jobs, it has receded over the horizon; the baby boomers’ retirement savings have been decimated, and those boomers lucky enough to remain employed are hanging on for dear life. Every employer I’ve talked to lately is besieged by out-of-work job-seekers, and anyone who’s hiring has their pick of countless well-qualified candidates; all those frightened stay-at-home moms with big gaps on their resumes never even get an interview, let alone a job offer.
There’s no satisfaction in having been right about all this; my goal was to help women understand the risks they had unwittingly taken on, and their refusal to confront the truth provided eloquent testimony to my lack of success. But facing up to reality hasn’t been in vogue for quite a while—and it wasn’t just women who retreated defiantly into denial.
The Bush administration didn’t want to face the painful measures necessary to combat climate change, so they rejected the science documenting global warming. The White House didn’t want to acknowledge its failure to apprehend Osama bin Laden, so it pretended that waging war in Iraq would fight the Islamic terrorists responsible for 9/11. The Wall Street warriors enriching themselves beyond the wildest dreams of the greediest robber barons didn’t want to admit they were staking the American economy on quicksand, so they pretended the risks didn’t exist—until we all got sucked into the vortex. The consumers addicted to luxury spending refused to deal with their unsustainable credit card debt until it overwhelmed them. The decision-makers entrusted with our economic security closed their eyes to the consequences of our exploding national debt and pretended the bill would never come due.
And now all the bubbles have burst simultaneously, and there’s nothing left to do but face reality. As I found myself saying over and over again last year, the facts don’t change just because you refuse to look at them.
After she and her scandalously unfaithful husband divorced in 1905, Emily Post never uttered his name again, but she set an extra place at the dinner table every night until she died more than half a century later. Denial may have an impeccable pedigree, but it doesn’t work any better now than it did back then.
John Talks Joe
Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
Why America Must Learn to Bow
Martin Jacques is the cofounder of the UK think tank Demos, writes a regular column for The Guardian, and is a visiting research fellow at the London School of Economics Asia Research Centre. His new book, When China Rules the World, is available now.
Going Rogue: The Index
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
The Downside of Opting Out
Leslie Bennetts, a former New York Times reporter, is the author of The Feminine Mistake.
I agreed with you before the economic meltdown and even more so now. Men leave, men die, men lose jobs. Women need to educate themselves, earn their own money, and earn their own social security credits. If we are lucky enough to find love, marriage, children, that is the icing on the cake, but women need to be able to support themselves and stand on their own two feet. Patricia
I'd quite willingly call myself a feminist, and, though I haven't read your book, it sounds like I'd agree with you, too. I'm still shocked by the amount of women I came across in college who were there for their 'MRS Degree'. Not only do I intend to work until I know I'll be retiring comfortably, I don't need a man to come play superhero. Whereas I'm apparently one of few who see spouses as someone to share a life with, a ring on my left hand doesn't mean I'm suddenly inept at existence, dumbfounded by the big scary career world, and ok with just becoming a crock pot for his spawn. No thanks, I'll keep my career, and have the man as a nice side to compliment.
I know very few stay-at-home moms who pamper themselves in the style of the photo in the article. Someone who chooses to stay home and actually enjoy the children they had is not to be crucified.
Having been raised by a single mom, I probably have blinders on to people who truly believe that they should be raising their kids 24/7 as though it were a job that couldn't possibly be shared by others. To let yourself languish professionally is a choice, but a hazardous one at that.
There are many other places, unlike New Canaan, where women who stay at home do so not to play tennis, luxuriate in the bath, or sponge off their rich husbands. Many of us stayed home because we felt that our most important job was to raise our children, be the Brownie leader, coach the soccer team, etc. Perhaps these terrible economic times make those pursuits impractical pleasures, too. I hope not. I believe that women do have a responsibility to become independent and confident, and hopefully to make their own money so that they and their children can survive if faced with tragedy or spousal infidelity and abandonment. But let's help each other rather than waging the old stay-at-home vs. worker bee battle. If each of us does the best she can, and reaches out to others who need support and guidance, we'll succeed. Meanwhile, go Obama! We women need governmental change!
The point of this article seems to be that Leslie Bennetts was right and the nasty, pampered stay-at-home moms who hurt her feelings got theirs! Despite what she says in the piece, she seems to be taking great pleasure in saying "I told you so". The vast majority of stay-at-home moms are not indulged bitches but women who believe that being home with their children is the best choice for their family. They run the PTAs and other community organizations that everyone benefits from. They are smart, engaged people not the vapid Stepford wives Ms. Bennetts portrays. What is to be gained by taking pleasure in their financial troubles? The bottom line is neither choice is perfect. Working women have plenty of their own problems(despite what Ms. Bennetts likes to believe). As women, we should be supporting each other not stoking the stay-at-home vs. working mom fires.
Well done! What a sharp pen!
I do not think that Ms. Bennetts was labeling all stay-at-home wives as pampered. It is a proven fact that the majority women are usually not responsible for the finances in a marriage and oftentimes are clueless as to what the families financial standing is as long as the bills bet paid. We are more likely than men to fall upon hard times after divorce while being more likely to get the children. Women tend to have a Scarlett O'Hara "fidlee-dee..." attitude about their finances if they are married. "I'll worry about when I need to worry about it." But the realities are that ALL women, working out-side the home, working in it, or even the ladies that lunch, need to be much, much more aware of their finances and planning for the future.
I don't think the point of her book or this article was to crucify stay-at-home moms (though, of course the author takes some pleasure in "proving her point", presumably because she was so harshly criticized after the publication of her book) or minimize the work involved in raising children, as suggested by some of the commenters. Instead, I think Bennetts actually makes a very pro-women message about protecting ourselves and our children.
Yes, I do happen to be very pro-working-mom for other reasons. I think working mothers set a great example to their children and I truly believe that if a mother finds fulfillment in her work, it makes her a happier, more interesting mother. I loved learning about my mother's career accomplishments as I was growing up and I think the pride I had in my mother's career (which she left when she had her first child) made me all the more determined not end my career once I had children. Kids can value and look up to their mothers for more than "always being around" and running the school bake sales. It is time we expanded and re-defined what it means to be a good mother and that our country show some real commitment to helping families balance dual careers and children.
I find the defensiveness of stay-at-home mothers irritating because the true barriers women face in our society have to do with moving up in the workplace, NOT fulfilling "traditional" roles as wives and mothers. I also understand that many women chose to leave the workforce because they see very real barriers to effectively balancing career and family and re-entering the workplace after even short gaps to have children. I say let's focus on those barriers, not protecting the self-esteem of stay-at-home mothers.
the average age of widowhood is 54, and by the time American women reach 60, two-thirds of them no longer have partners.
I'm very confused by this statement. The average age where in America?
I can agree with the second part--divorce, but I'm in my late 50's, was the youngest person at an event last night and the only one without a husband
I do agree that every woman has to be self sufficient. I have been advising my friends for decades to earn their own money, and always keep most of it in their own name plus more
What has not been mentioned here is the fundamental fact that SOMEONE has to raise the children. If a biological mother chooses to have a job outside the home, who will be raising her children? Hiring cheap immigrant labor for childcare is one option, but is it wise to out source the most important job in your life ? Childrearing must be given the respect it deserves and any real feminist discussion will include the debate about how the US lags behind all other Western nations in family leave programs and quality childcare options. Highlighting a tiny fraction of American stay at home women in New Canaan, CT and using them as the prototype for American women, those working outside the home or working inside the home, does a huge disservice to the multitude of American women. Calling oneself a feminist is all well and good but a real feminist is one who works toward the quality of life improvement for all women, not just for herself and her book.
I agree that mothers should have a career. I assure you, though, that most non-paid mom's anger comes from hearing Bennett's snide hypothesis that they should be working. These women work without pay for various reasons.They want to raise their own children. Their husband's jobs are so demanding that someone has to take care of the household (and hubby's help around the house is insufficient). And, God forbid, darling husband's job has become so successful, thanks to the stay-at-home mom's assistance, that it is paramount that someone handle the house, the kids, etc. while the other half is working, playing golf, etc. I say I do "God's work" when I take care of my children or volunteer for organizations that help the underprivileged population. But if I could, I would still be working, at least part-time and paid, just in case of an emergency. Believe me - I feel this even more now.
I thought I lived in an affluent area, however it is certainly not equal to the New Caanan level. Most of the households have an executive dad (no Joe Plumbers) and a stay at home mom with three kids and a lab. There are jokes about the town where many women are seen in the local Kings wearing tennis attire on their way to meet a contractor (who they inevitably sleep with...ie Joe the Plumber). Many of these women eventually become bored, and with their kids growing more independent eventually look for work. I started a new career as an appraiser 8 years ago. This was great. I had flex hours, a good income, and a sense of accomplishment. I just lost my job. When you combine my age and my industry the result is a bleak future. It is reality, whether at home, rich, poor married or not, when you stop working your life changes. I have no idea if I will ever reenter given the number of younger people entering the workforce and the multitude of experienced professionals looking for the same high paying salaries. As for the NC queens...now it's time to say goodbye to all the lovely people you kept employed...Maria, Juan, Domingo, the Korean nail lady, the organic food nutritionist, pilates instructor, etc. The whole economy is in disarray and I am afraid what is coming down the road.
Thank you.
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