John McCain’s failure may set a new record since World War II for Republican losses, and first on the chopping block will be his aides. Next up? Swing state turncoats.
Early indications point to ruthless purges of the Republican Party by my colleagues in the VRWC (vast right-wing conspiracy) if the present polling numbers prove consistent and the GOP is swept away by a tsunami from East to West.
First to be arrested in their rooms will be McCain aides Mark Salter, Steve Schmidt, and Rick Davis, the trio responsible for the defeatist decision to send the candidate rushing to Washington at the end of September, calling off the first incoherent debate for a few hours, and then ignoring the will of his own party in the House and the passionate voices of the Republican voters online and siding with the Democrats on the reckless, opaque, dictatorial Paulson bailout plan. Schmidt and flack Nicolle Wallace have already been notified they will be sent to the Sarah Palin camp for special tortures before they are thrown down the steps. Soon after the McCain camp will come the liquidation of the Republican National Committee the inert Mike Duncan, Jo Ann Davidson, Frank Donatelli, Carly Fiorina, and their slow-footed aides. This deletion is well advanced. There are no signs the RNC flacks will attempt to flee when the Praetorian guards knock, but if they do, it will only drag out the inevitable.
All Republican members of the Senate will be sent arrest warrants, and only those shrewd enough to send them back with the names of the conspirators will be spared.
In Rome at the time of the paranoid (and misunderstood) Emperor Tiberius, the secret police chief Sejanus liked to make a doomed senator’s estate pay endless ransom demands while the victim withered in Aegean exile—and the fellow was strangled if the money stopped. The bloodletting in the state committees will be less appalling in the first few months, but by the new year there will be vacancies across the red states and closed offices in the blue states.
Ohio and Florida will be singled out for public decapitations, but add to this any of the battlegrounds that fall away from the red map, such as Virginia, Indiana, Missouri, Colorado, and Nevada. The charge will be insufficient loyalty, and the victims will be required to confess before they are eliminated. The purges will not be just. Anyone who took money from the McCain camp or the national party, anyone who bundled for McCain, anyone at all involved in a losing congressional campaign will be put on the exile list. The whole state of Arizona may be under house arrest for suspicion of disloyalty. Jon Kyl of Arizona will not be safe despite his wit. In fact, imitating the methods of Sejanus after 25 A.D., all Republican members of the Senate will be sent arrest warrants, and only those shrewd enough to send them back with the names of the conspirators will be spared. What conspirators, you ask? This is the genius of a Sejanus-style purge. You are condemned until you denounce someone else as guilty, so to survive you must act swiftly and with heart.
There is a report now that Senate Republicans who are not up for election this cycle are meeting with party wise men to negotiate a truce for the 111th Congress. This ploy will fail, especially for those surviving senators in states where a Republican seat has been lost, such as New Hampshire, Mississippi, or Alaska. There is a special show trial awaiting Lindsay Graham of South Carolina and Phil Gramm of UBS. Joe Lieberman seems safe because he is now a party of two, along with the humiliated and plumber-obsessed John McCain, if and when he returns to his dusty Senate seat.
Tracy Quan's latest novel is Diary of a Jetsetting Call Girl, set in Provence and praised in The Nation as a "deft account of occupational rigors and anxieties before the crash." Tracy's debut, Diary of a Manhattan Call Girl, and the sequel, Diary of a Married Call Girl, are international bestsellers. A regular columnist for The Guardian, she has written for many publications including Cosmopolitan, The Financial Times, and The New York Times.
Joe Mathews is a journalist, an Irvine senior fellow at the New America Foundation, and a contributing writer at the Los Angeles Times. He previously served as Justice Department reporter for the Wall Street Journal and as a city desk reporter at the Baltimore Sun. He is the author of The People’s Machine: Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Rise of Blockbuster Democracy.
Gerald Posner is the award-winning author of 10 investigative nonfiction bestsellers, ranging from political assassinations, to Nazi war criminals, to 9/11, to terrorism (www.posner.com). Posner lives in Miami Beach with his wife, the author Trisha Posner.
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John Batchelor is radio host of the John Batchelor Show in New York, Washington, D.C., San Francisco, and Los Angeles.
John Batchelor is radio host of the John Batchelor Show in New York, Washington, D.C., San Francisco, and Los Angeles.
John Batchelor is radio host of the John Batchelor Show in New York, Washington, D.C., San Francisco, and Los Angeles.
Hilarious. Your knowledge, Mr. Batchelor, of Roman history and modern political calamities is impressive. Who shall survive the bloody purge? Huckabee? Romney? Palin? What a battle it will be when the fair Sarah realizes her fellow ambitious GOPs don't simply step aside for her inevitable coronation.
that was extremely enjoyable. i await the coming purge with bated breath and immense schadenfreude. it is well deserved for this band of goons.
Excellent read, but I think Mark Salter, Steve Schmidt, Rick Davis and the rest will be fine. Competence has never been mandatory for GOP strategists - I mean, Mary Matalin still has a job.
I sure do hope that this will all be shown on live television. I'll get some popcorn and 101 proof bourbon and have some entertaining viewing. It should be way better than that funny radio show you do.
Good to know they'll always find positions as commentators, correspondents, and talk show hosts with Fox News.
Mark my words. Palin, too, in the event that they lose.
Who the hell paid you to write this? Whomever the payor is, they sure got their intrigue.
As usual, a fine read. BRAVO! my friend....
Thanks JB for the commitment you've shown, in your articles, in your radio show, and especially in your research into the relevant subject matter that many times was like a needed candle down a long dark passageway.
We'll ignore the "clowns".They know who they are.
As mentioned elsewhere, the emperor after Tiberius was Caligula. Does this mean the Democrats must hide their horses and sisters?
Thank you.
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