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November Surprises
In a desperate bid to close the gap, our satire columnist says the McCain camp—whoops, unnamed sources!—are leaking some of their most lurid smears yet.
Following the suspiciously last-minute “news” that Barack Obama’s aunt (or sort of aunt: his deceased father’s half-sister; whatever) has been living illegally in America since 2004, Democrats are reportedly bracing for more last-minute “November surprises.”
The McCain camp has denied being the source of Aunt-gate but has been sounding a bit like Sergeant Schultz in“Hogan’s Heroes.” (Ve know nothing—NO-thing!) Well, as Alexander Hamilton put it in Federalist 79, “Politicks be not beanbagge.”
"Obama's entire political career is based on a relationship with a ruthless drug lord. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Among other possible “revelations” brewing on the eve of Election Day 2008:
Michelle Obama and William Ayers were romantically linked in the 1960s. What makes this charge somewhat far-fetched and suspect is that Mrs. Obama was 6 years old when the two allegedly “met over Molotov cocktails in a bar catering to left-wing terrorists.”
Barack Obama provided pro bono legal advice to Medellin cocaine kingpin Pablo Escobar. According to this story, which has been circulating for months aboard the “Straight Talk Express,” Escobar compensated Obama for the “free” legal advice with “8.4 metric tons” of cocaine, which Obama used in his early “community organizing” in Chicago. “His entire political career,” says Nicolle Wall—whoops—said an unnamed source within the McCain organization—“is based on a relationship with a ruthless South American drug lord. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but the public should probably be aware of it before making him, you know, President.”
The Muslim thing. Twenty-five percent of Americans believe that Obama is an adherent of Islam. (This figure does not include the estimated 450,000 New Yorker magazine readers who, polls show, believe that last summer’s “satirical cover” depicting Obama as Osama and Michelle as Angela Davis was “based on an actual photograph.” Rick Dav—sorry—an unnamed source within the McCain camp says it is in possession of a “somewhat disturbing” video showing Senator Obama “bent over, ass in the air on a prayer rug chanting ‘Allahu akbar.’ (“God is a Democrat.”)
The Reverend Jeremiah Wright has been asked to give the invocation at Obama’s inaugural. A posting on wearenotinanywayconnectedtotheMcCainorganizationwinkwink.com claims “to have proof” that Obama’s controversial former pastor at the Trinity United Goddamn America Church will “absolutely, totally, really, no kidding” give the oath of office when Obama is sworn in as President of the United States. Steve Schm—oopsie—a completely unnamed source in no way connected with the McCain camp says that although he has not seen the posting, he has “definitely heard about it” and is “troubled” by it.
Biden’s visits to a “dermatologist” for Botox injection was a cover. He was taken to a super-secret medical facility and replaced with a cyborg-replicant programmed to talk incessantly for four years, without even having to replace the batteries. There may actually be some truth to this one.
How Rich People Smoke Pot
Paul Schrodt is a writer living in New York City. He has contributed to New York magazine, Radar, and Esquire.com.
Justice Clinton?
As vice chairman of Public Strategies and president of Maverick Media, Mark McKinnon has helped meet strategic challenges for candidates, corporations and causes, including George W. Bush, John McCain, Governor Ann Richards, Charlie Wilson, Lance Armstrong, and Bono. McKinnon is co-chair of Arts & Labs, a collaboration between technology and creative communities that have embraced today's rich Internet environment to deliver innovative and creative digital products to consumers.
One Hell of a Speech
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
The Audacity of Oops
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
Too Big to Succeed
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
mikemiller56
Mr. Buckley;
You missed the mailer about Hillary being the next Supreme Court Justice.
I was at the rally yesterday in Columbus and shook hands with an American hero equal to Sen. McCain , John Glenn. These will be fruitful years for you as Sen. Obama has to convince the populist that wind and solar has its place but the best way to energy independence is atomic, you know like the French.(ducking)
All the best;
Mike
cindyramshur
I think Christopher Buckley is the greatest thing to come along in this screwed up country of ours in a long time. He shares my weird sense of humor and take on this whole ridiculous charade of "patriotic right-wing evangelicals." I used to be one of them until someone suggested we hang all the gay people in the town square and then file past and throw up on them. His own son later turned out to be gay. I think God/Allah might just share our sense of humor. Keep the stories coming Christopher - they keep me sane during these days of insanity.
yupsterism
waiting for the obama is jesus in disguise rumor
NDM1973
Just what I needed to read the day before the insanity really kicks into high gear-well done (and almost believable, given some of the silliness that has been advertised).
BTW, I approve this message.
TexanJane
Hey, Chris,
Just wanted to chime in from Texas where I am among the 23% who know, unequivocally, that Obama is a Muslim. I mean, 1,200 e-mails can't ALL be false, you know
Anyway, down here it gets very heated every Sunday at our mega-churches (membership of 2,000 required for the hyphen), as we duke it out with the idiots who point to the Wright connection as proof-positive we're dead-wrong.(We likey those hyphens, man).
coloradokarl
Two months ago a manager of one of our largest customers told me that "Obama is a muslim" I was shocked. Then last week our landlord,also a large customer, told me that Obama was the "Antichrist"!! These people where dead serious. My response to the "muslim" thing is now "What's wrong with that?" I do live in Colo. Spgs.
gorduscho
The GOP also has an exclusive interview with the guy who files Obama's horns. It will be on youtube by this afternoon.
Puravida
Hey Chris,
Do you ever get tired of going all the false emails that are given to you on the internet? Obama is Not a Muslim. In the bronze age they all thought the world was flat.. Are you not strong enough to go off and think on your own? Judging someone on a religion or the color of their skin is a little beside the point. There are much more important issues to be worrying about anyway. Why do you think it is that the republican party is so scared to address those issues and would rather start smear campaigns? Come on. We are Americans we can rise above this, can't we?
theblender
hey ya Chis! Been reading you for a while. Longer than your posts here. I love the words. Bright and hilarious. The subtleties are not lost here. Fine writing, no matter what side of the court you take.
Atomic? Just have to mention, can you say deadly? Geesh. Where do we 'process' that waste? France is a small geographical area, and btw, they are trying to figure out how to go 'offline' with that. Duh. Vision escapes you. Do you have any children? Gods.
I look forward to more. ta.
zephid
I'm still waiting for the mainstream media to report on Obama's family connections with Stalin (he's his seventh cousin twice removed).
ladilyn
Well, this article finally explains things. It is so nice for those unnamed sources to be so concerned with social issues. We now know that all those campaign contributions are really the Obama campaign laundering the drug cartel money.
They get into etiquette by letting us know that it is improper to visit a loved one while sick and before they die.
They warn us to buy ear plugs should the Obama/Biden ticket win. Of course, they would have probably suggested a ball gag for Biden but didn't want their proclivities to surface.
This article was a breath of fresh air from the stench that is out there. Thank you.
bnglfn
my understanding is that mccain is scotch, a tribe or sub-race where the men wear short skirts and no underwear like britney. this is an example of bad judgement. they also make noise by blowing into bladders made of animal products. that's why i'm voting for the irishman, o'bama.
Punky2008
What a fabulous way to start my day. Thank you Mr. Buckley!
pacifistgunslinger
At the same time, the Obama campaign has plenty of unused material to fling at McCain. Below are a few G. Gordon Liddy shot his mother to get at.
1. John McCain was never imprisoned in Hanoi. In fact, he was working undercover for Naval Intelligence. His mission was to photograph John Kerry and Al Gore hang gliding and parasailing high above the bars of Hong Kong. None of the men (who, it turns out, are blood brothers just like Spin and Marty) were ever within 100 miles of Vietnam, a place full of insects, snakes and other undesirables.
2. John McCain is incapable of speaking a sentence that does not include the word "damn." He once wrote a song whose only lyric was "damn." Damn, damn, damn, damn...damn, damn, damn." Though sued by Michael Palin (no relation to the woman now known for casting spells at large gatherings and taking the Fifth Amendment on TV talk shows), John Cleese and Eric Idle, no judgment was passed because Judge Judy thought "nolo contendere" was too pre-Renaissance Italian or something.
3. It turns out he is no Maverick, having a brand in the shape of a beer can on his rump. Some who have seen it (Tailhook Convention, 1984) said that it is merely a homemade tattoo, while others swear the mark is too deep in the skin or that it is merely an optical illusion.
Now, it's not that the Obamaites are reluctant to inform the public of these indiscretions, it's that when campaign workers tried to "post" these "comments," they were told by many in Gen Xbox that the "internets" were full and that they'd have to invent new "avatars," a word also rejected because it was too pre-Renaissance Italian or something. Judge Judy suggested that the avatar "Giotto" might be okay.
mbudig
Great humorous slant. Also enjoyed your movie, Thank You For Smoking".
I think the one joke that has been overlooked is the fact that McCain/Palin paid more for her makeup artist and hairstylist than for her policy advisors and in both cases they got their money's worth.
Thank you.
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