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My Marriage Was Annulled on an Otherwise Happy Night
That brought me up short. I had heard early returns showing Prop. 8 winning, but every number I heard was closer—first an 11-point gap, then 9, then 6. At City Hall, someone handed me an iPhone showing an exit poll that had "marriage equality" winning, 52-48. But this friend with the brittle smile extinguished any hope I had—not enough liberal counties remained to close the gap. That gap continued to narrow, but the trajectory toward passage was unobstructed, which soon became clear to the revelers. At about 10 p.m. I left the dancing mob for drinks at a friend's house, and when I returned to the Castro an hour later, the throngs had yielded to the noise of a few stragglers, piles of broken glass and confetti being swept up in preparation for a new day under President-Elect Obama and a same-sex marriage ban in California.
This was the moment I'd thought I was preparing myself for in May, and I hadn't done a very good job. On television, I'd seen the Prop. 8 victory party, a room full of middle-aged straight supremacists hollering with glee at having taken away the rights of a whole class of their fellow Californians. It was the ugliest thing I'd seen since the last Sarah Palin rally I'd watched, and I was ashamed that it was happening in my state. I felt, and feel, betrayed. My anger, in the moment, wasn't so much at the injustice and ugliness of the marriage ban, but at the fact that it had poisoned what should have been an unalloyed experience of triumph that an African-American liberal of superhuman poise and leadership ability with the middle name Hussein, to whom I had given money and time, had just won the presidency. Finally, the country was moving forward, and California had just made a huge lurch in reverse.
My anger wasn't so much at the injustice and ugliness of the marriage ban, but at the fact that it had poisoned what should have been an unalloyed experience of triumph that Obama had just won the presidency.
My husband called it a night after the Prop. 8 news was clear, but I stayed up another few hours and caught up with friends to whom I preached barely felt but deeply held optimism. This is what I said:
In 2000, Californians voted into law a same-sex marriage ban by a 61.4 to 38.6 margin. In 2008, they passed another ban and the margin, with 99.5 percent of precincts reporting, was 52.5 to 47.5. I'm not a statistician or pollster, but it seems to me that if the trend holds, a 2012 rematch on this question would approximately reverse last night's results, giving marriage equality a four-point victory.
What is the future of gay marriage in California and the nation? That's up to the youth of the state, who exit polls show supporting marriage equality by a 2-to-1 margin. If you really want to know who will decide this issue if it comes up in 2012, ask 14-to-17 year olds, who will be voting in their first presidential election. Those straight supremacists playing with Mormon campaign contributions? Culture war dead-enders.
Last night the gay movement lost a battle. The war, launched in the early 1950s by activists Harry Hay, Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, we're winning decisively. Yesterday morning a USA Today reporter asked me whether I thought the issue had come before the voters prematurely, asking, in effect, whether the Mayor had jumped the gun with his City Hall marriage revolt. He did not. Every opinion poll and every election result in this state show a clear path toward marriage equality, even when we lose. If Newsom had not risked these losses, we would have no path to follow. We win by losing.
I went to City Hall to see Phyllis and Del emerge, married, from Mayor Newsom's office the night before my own wedding, and what struck me, what brought tears to my eyes, was the slow procession of elderly people who preceded them. First came a woman on a walker, then a bent old woman walking with a cane. Finally, to a prolonged roar, came Phyllis wheeling Del in her chair. Del looked so ancient, so exquisitely old, and it hit me in my gut that I was witnessing the triumphant culmination of a half-century's work, courage and leadership. I was in the presence of people who embodied the gay rights movement, among the most courageous and savvy and far-thinking people on earth. Yes, they are impatient, but in a crucial sense, time means nothing to them. Harry Hay died in 2002, Del Martin died nine weeks ago. We live in the world they envisioned for us. They knew they could turn a vision of justice into reality, and if we do not share their faith in our fellow citizens even in this moment of betrayal, we do not understand the depth of their gift to us.
Paul Festa is the author of Oh My God: Messiaen in the Ear of the Unbeliever, which is based on his internationally acclaimed and award-winning film Apparition of the Eternal Church. His writing appears in Nerve, Salon, three editions of the Best Sex Writing anthology, and a 300,000-word novel-in-progress about medical-marijuana farmers.
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Paul you are still married the ATTY General in CA is upholding all marriages that are already performed.
check my blog
www.samesexmarriageadvocate.blogspot.com
I agree that the passage of Prop 8 put a taint on this state at a time when all of America should be celebrating breaking free from this type of prejudice. I have tried to understand why someone would make it their personal mission to deny others the right to be happy in a marriage, a right they take for granted. I have tried to understand how who someone else marries would have ANY affect on their personal lives, but I am unable to even grasp the concept, to understand where they are coming from. I mentioned to my husband (yes, I'm a happily married heterosexual) this morning that we should put together an initiative banning heterosexual marriage, and maybe that would make the supporters of this proposition understand how it feels to have basic freedoms endangered by others who have no right to interfere in someone else's basic rights to happiness. Hopefully this will be attacked and struck down, but what a sad note to an otherwise amazing time in history.
pmontgomery, I agree with you 100%. Living in the VERY DEEP South (MS), as a minority that was educated up North in Massachusetts, I find myself quarreling with my friends and people at bars about this hot topic. What gives us the right to judge whether marriage is a union between one man and one woman and between 2 men or 2 women? People try to claim that these go against the word of God, but being a skeptic, I ask them to highlight and show me the passage, and what do you know? 9/10 people can't even reference what book or verse number. This is usually when the conversation turns sour, but the point I am getting is that God put us on this earth to be keepers of his garden and to grow, multiple and be happy, so why do we have to violate our own happiness?
Obama may not believe in gay marriage, but I have yet to see him endorse an attempt to amend the law to restrict it once the courts have stated that under current law they are entitled to marry.
If people don't like being called mean-spirited bigots, then they should stop behaving in a manner likely to earn them the title. The fact remains that this is not a question of voting to allow it or deny it, it's a question of changing the laws to deliberately exclude a group of people from something the courts have ruled they are entitled to.
There's a huge difference, and refusing to admit it does not make it go away. Nor does attempting to falsely tie what these people were doing to Obama's position on gay marriage. Those who supported and voted for Prop 8 are looking for a legitimacy that is simply not there, and to shift some of the disgust people look upon Prop 8 with off onto others rather than stand up and admit what it is they've done.
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mrsrjv: Thanks for pointing out that fact about grandfathered marriages.
dsmntlr: Obama's and Biden's position on gay marriage is retrograde, lamentable, and politically expedient. The patience I cultivate with respect to their opposition is much like what I am advocating re: Prop. 8's passage and the immensely promising trendline same-sex marriage is on. Candidates for national office are not leading on this issue, and perhaps they can't. Gavin Newsom was surely told that he couldn't, but he did it anyway and thus permanently earned my respect and vote. Point of fact: candidate Obama came out *against* Prop. 8.
The truly shameful thing about this reversal is that the opposition, the same way the so-called "pro life" kooks do, used scare tactics and emotional appeals because their argument has no merit or facts to support their viewpoint.
Ignorant people will gravitate toward arguments based upon their own ignorance rather than allow facts to get in the way.
The bigots who voted down this basic human right should ask themselves if a person's being gay impacts their own life in any negative way whatsoever. If not, which would be the case probably 99.9% of the time, then what possible difference could allowing two committed people to marry make in their lives. They should then simply butt out as its none of their business.
The type of thinking which allowed this proposition to pass is unbelieveable especially in the 21st century. Allowing committed couples to legalize their relationship is good for our society in that it fosters tolerance and would dispel false notions about gay people that are based upon nothing other than sheer ignorance and stupidity. Ignorance breeds fear and fear always takes precedence over common sense. Nothing proves this more than the outcome of this vote.
Given the divorce rate as well of the rates of family violence and incest in straight families, maybe all those "good Christians" are afraid they might learn something from successfully married gay couples.
The religious nut cases who designed this hate campaign need to reassess their so-called "Christian family values". Since when is hate a family value.
A REJECTION OF LOVE
The people who put the initiatives (including the ones in AZ & FL) on the ballot, funded them, supported them, and voted for them reject the notion that "Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Cortinthians 13:13 (International Standard Version)
Paul, your marriage was not annulled. Attorney General Jerry Brown will defend your marriage as still valid. Everyone needs to understand this -- misinformed comments like this in the press do not help.
If the Truth be known marriage has always been between men & women. Not my word but God's Word:)
Thank you.
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