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My Four Weddings
The Olympic sport of getting gay married, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Mormons.
As if, the Mormons are going to stop me from getting gay married!
Do those Johnny-Come-Latelys realize I have been trying to marry the same woman four times now and will keep doing so until they or whatever group of intolerants that appear in California give up and finally go home?
In fact, getting gay married has almost turned into an Olympic endurance sport for me. And I can tell you I am not even close to being tired, even after the passage of Proposition 8 last week in California, which eliminated a recent court decision that allowed same-sex couples to marry and enshrined discrimination into the state constitution.
I have an Elizabeth Taylor appetite for gay marriage.
Of course, I could get all Melissa-Ellen-Portia-LiLo indignant on you and declare that I might not pay state taxes because of the appalling vote. I could go postal about the hugely deceptive ads that the Yes-on-Prop-8 side aired, where the mother gets a little too freaked out by a book called “King and King.” I could verbally slap around Mormons and church-going African Americans and old folks, all of whom proved to be the ones that tipped the initiative to victory.
I could even pull out the hankies and talk about how my six-year-old son was worried, after Prop 8 passed, that my partner and I would now have to break up the family and get married to men.
But let’s dispense with such things and get right to the point: I’m not going away, because I have an Elizabeth-Taylor appetite for gay marriage.
Let me give you the stats, to give you a better idea of what anti-gay forces are up against:
The first wedding my partner and I had was almost a decade ago—all duded up with the engraved invites, the flowery vows, the smiling guests and expensive catering.
I call that one: The Romantic One.
That marriage was obviously not legal—we used an Internet minister, after all—but done more for the symbolism for our friends and family, some of whom needed to be hit very hard over the head in order to start taking our relationship seriously.
It definitely did the trick, which we underscored with that Canadian one a few years later, It looked, in the bleak landscape of the Bush administration, that there might even be a federal amendment on the horizon and we wanted some fig leaf of protection that the very nice folks living north might provide. Of course, the marriage in Canada had no legal standing in this country.
Still, it was a nice affair held at a parking-lot chapel in Niagara Falls, right next to a Tim Horton’s Donuts. But, to be honest, it was rushed, because we really didn’t want to miss the “Maid of the Mist” tour.
I call that one: The Canadians-Are-Indeed-Nicer-and-Their-Side-of-the-Falls-More-Spectacular-Too One.
The third was in San Francisco in 2004, also in a hurry with our then-toddler and babysitter in tow, when Mayor Gavin Newsom lost his political mind and suddenly started marrying gay couples one February day.
The “Winter of Love” in San Francisco was too hard to resist, of course, an important moment in the history of civil rights that would have been criminal to ignore. As it turned out, our marriage was soon declared illegal and we received a very apologetic note from the Country Clerk that “voided” it, but kindly included our fee refund.
I call that one, of course: The Voided One.
The fourth was just a week ago, in the waning hours of Election Day, after I got super annoyed hearing that Utah-based Mormons had flooded California with tens of millions of dollars in cash to help pass Prop 8.
So, at the last minute, we rushed back to the scene of the last criminal marriage—San Francisco’s City Hall—and got hitched once again, just before the polls closed and made such a thing illegal. This time, we brought our two small boys, the neighbors and some friends, all of whom were just as annoyed at the out-of-state meddling as we were.
So, of course, we all call that one: The Mormons-Really-Piss-Us-Off One.
And, of course, they do, especially since the Mormon Church is now crying like a little baby--due to a vituperative backlash against it in the wake of the vote--claiming that it was its members that gave the money and not the church itself.
John Talks Joe
Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
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Jacob Bernstein is a senior reporter at The Daily Beast. Previously, he was a features writer at WWD and W Magazine. He has also written for New York magazine, Paper, and The Huffington Post.
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Jeff Madrick is a contributor to the New York Review of Books and a former economics columnist for the New York Times. He is editor of Challenge Magazine, visiting professor of humanities at Cooper Union, and senior fellow at the New School's Schwartz Center for Economic Policy Analysis. He is the author of Taking America, The End of Affluence (Random House) and The Case for Big Government.
I'm hesitant to pin blame solely on the Mormons, as many gay folk are wont to do. Don't you think the late-election rally AGAINST Prop 8 might've been more significant? I mean, supporters of Prop 8 have been working with their shock troops since April, whereas the greatest galvanization I've seen on the opposition side has come, oddly, post-election. What in the hell is that about?
I have many gay friends who could tell a similar tale. The wit and wisdom here is so much more persuasive than Melissa Etheridge's rock-star petulance.
Nicely said Kara, the wit and wisdom that come from experience are refreshing, but I am still stinging a little like Melissa as this was my first one despite my advanced age.
Frankly, I am damned mad, pardon the expression, and my knee jerk reaction is to blame the NO campaign (for not doing enough), or the YES campaign (for doing too much), but the real blame lies with our government.
This is not a new issue, the tactics used by the YES folks are not new, the failure of the NO folks has been done before, and still our government won't stand up and say, "Hey we can learn from history here and save some folks alot of money, time and anxiety"
Congress and the Senate need to get on the Liberty bus and recognize the similarities and take the action this entire country needs, because even if we win a recount, a court battle or a repeal, there are still 29 other states on the dark side and 20 others that might follow.
The citizens of California overwhelming rejected Prop 8, the issue is closed. Why is it wrong for those opposed to Prop 8 to organize, raise money and advocate their position. Isn't that what the Obama team did so well this year?
I'm just curious...for anyone complaining about the No on 8 campaign...did you volunteer for the campaign? I did. And, fighting on the inside and pointing fingers isn't really helpful at this point. Unless you were there, like I was, calling people and handing out information, then you should probably stop saying "they should have done this..and this..." And, I'm hoping that anyone saying "should have" is active moving forward, and not coaching from the sidelines.
I also don't blame the Mormons for the passage of Prop 8. No matter where the money came from (and BTW, plenty of anti-Prop-8 money came from outside California), it's the people living in California who voted to ban same-sex marriage.
We need to convince a majority of voting Californians that same-sex marriage is a civil-rights issue. How do we do that? I don't yet know.
@ judez11:
I don't live in California, so I wasn't able to participate in the movement against Prop 8. I attempted to donate once I found out there was a website, but my credit card was rejected several times. I wished to contribute the way I could best, but my attempts to help were turned down, unfortunately.
And don't tell me not to point fingers, because there's really only two parties you can blame. Those who voted for Prop 8, and those who did not convince enough people to vote against it. I'm not clapping McCain on the back and shaking my head sadly, whining about how people just didn't see the error of their ways. He ran a poor campaign. So did the No on Prop 8 group.
This article puts the humanity on this 'family values' issue - because the individual people and families are forgotten while zealots discuss their ideas.
This season was incredibly difficult, to see the horribly bigoted and lying ads in favor of these bans and to think of how hurtful they are, and wondering if the people making those bans really think about the people they're hurting.
This story is that of so many of the gay couples I know, and I love how it shares the personal journey of one woman through these troubled waters. My family traveled to San Fran for my aunt's planned wedding in 04, and the voiding happened the week we all flew in. It was so important, after 20 years of commitment, three children raised and one partner facing terminal illness - the recognition of this union was something they wanted, to their core. We can always say it doesn't matter, the relationship isn't contingent with the legalities... but to go unrecognized and marginalized by your community is a wearing upon their souls.
I agree with her that Mormons are usually the cause of discrimination, I mean no offense, but I live in a strongly Mormon community and they discriminant against me because first of all I am not Mormon and second of all I am gay.
I don't mind you or any other minority fighting for privileges that are unique to your group... but if you really think Canada is "nicer" you need to move there. It's categorically hypocritical to demonize the USA in comparison to other countries and cultures, while living here and enjoying the benefits of the last example of free-market enterprise and levels of equality of opportunity not available anywhere else on the planet. Just say you love it here, but you want to make some changes. Otherwise pack up and leave. Unlike many countries on earth, you are free to do so.
@cstuple: Why don't you focus on the issue at hand, instead of nitpicking inconsequential details? She didn't say Canada is nicer, she said Canadians are nicer. Which a) my anecdotal experience leads me to agree with and b) does not in any way suggest that she wants to leave the US and move to Canada.
@Bob586: It's pretty clear that you don't know much about the issue, beyond "my preacher says the gays want to get married." Prop 8 PASSED. That's the whole point.
Thank you Kara for providing us with a well-though out, rational version of the vapid article recently seen on this site from Melissa Etheridge. I am glad to hear that California seems to realize that past marriages are still going to be valid after the passage of Prop 8 and I wish you and the rest of the gay community all the luck in the world in gaining equal marriage status at the Federal level as well....and cstuple: if you think a humorous name for a wedding that says Canadians are nice is "demonizing America" someone needs to call you a waaahmbulance. Relax dude. Canadians are pretty nice.
My wife and I have a very similar story, married in the United Church in 2000 in Florida- not legal of course but the big family affair, civil union in Vermont, tried to get married in Mass. but did not due to the f***ing Mormon governor at the time moving the goalposts, finally legally wed in California August 2008, but for how long? I am so over straights deciding what "our rights" should be. Oh well, there's always Connecticut when our marriage license in CA is repealed.
What a wonderful way to see the USA- getting married in every state!
Thank you baconbits for setting them in their place to bad I wanted to that first :P
I can't believe some of you!!! You go around and saying bad stuff about how wrong it is to be gay or be a lesbian I don't even know how you get up in the morning and look in the mirror!!!! I might as well call you racist, I fell bad for you... not knowing what it is like to be free!!
Thank you.
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