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Hold the Dressing
The rest of the guests blew in, three late-twenties women, a masseuse and two teachers, who stripped in front of the door and plopped down on the couches and floor. And a 30-ish Asian guy, who announced his recent victory on Pants Off Dance Off, a program on the Fuse Network that TV Guide called “the dumbest show on television.” Contestants have three minutes to strip while dancing in a three-foot-square box. We watched the episode clip. He is indeed very talented at stripping in a three-foot-square box. I relaxed. When other naked people are calm, you're calm.
My earlier theory that moving is a pivotal part of nudity is all wrong. Moving while naked is a pain in the ass. It’s hard to get off a low couch while adhering to society’s Keep Your Legs Closed Always rule. But I made it to the dining room table, and dinner proceeded much like any other--chitchat about work, discussion of how cool it is to win $200 for three minutes of stripping in a box. There was no sexual vibe. Through three courses of Indian food, I found that my need to check out men’s packages had passed in its entirety, and that skin is just another set of clothes. People carry themselves differently when naked; it’s more authentic. You can read who people are at a glance. I imagined the heavily makeup’ed fashionistas of my Upper East Side neighborhood melting down under these conditions, their coiffed facades broken, their personalities unable to function in the harsh light of reality. There’s something very real about naked dinner.
New York City is one of the worst places on earth to be a nudist. The exposure laws are strict, and there’s one nude beach for eight million residents. Richard says he leads trips because he has the money, and because otherwise people would never learn how comfortable naturism is. There’s no sex involved on his part.
His dinner guests seemed free, getting a dopamine high off the rarity of what we were doing. I was not high. My hand hurt because I could not stop gripping my towel. I sat on it, or held it in my hand, or carried it around the apartment, clutching it like child’s security blanket. As long as I held it, everything would be okay. Couldn’t. Let. Go.
Also. Couldn’t. Eat. There are two types of people: those who look better dressed (Gwyneth Paltrow), and those who look better naked (Pamela Anderson), and one of the former was sitting directly across from me, a thin bank teller who was quite foxy clothed. But naked, she was thin and somehow unappetizing, and for reasons I can’t articulate, looking at her breasts six inches from the bread, I lost my appetite. I felt guilty about this.
After dessert, people lounged on the couches for a while, then pulled on their clothes in the entryway. I’ll save you suspense: I did not become a card-carrying nudist. I politely declined Richard’s invitation for a trip a sunny resort somewhere down south, and happily escaped to the bathroom, because getting dressed is a private activity.
Never was I so excited to see my bra.
Arianne Cohen's work has appeared in The New York Times, O, New York, Marie Claire, Popular Science, Fast Company, Nerve.com and the New York Times Magazine, among others. She is author of the upcoming The Tall Book: A Celebration of Life from On High (Bloomsbury, June 2009), the definitive book about the tall life. She was, at one point, one half the country’s tallest couple with her 7’2” partner. You can stalk her via ariannecohen.com.
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It's odd, but looking good in the nude is the ultimate test of style.
Tom Ford has always said he thinks people look better in the nude.
But then, he probably means only the people he would want to hang around with in the first place.
Thank you for NOT including pictures.
The people we might wish to see nude rarely show up for these types of events.
Nude is the new burka.
@TexasVoodoo:
Do you not understand that these events are non-sexual? Saying that there's people you'd wish to see nude indicates you don't seem to understand that it's supposed to be a social gathering, not an orgy.
@TexasVoodoo
From what the author stated, often the people we wish to see nude end up looking more appealing clothed, but satyricaldude is right in pointing out that this was a social gathering.
I would think that for someone totally new to this there would have to be a period of time in which your brain did some rewiring so that the sight of a beautiful naked woman, in my case, would not be instantly directly associated with sexuality.
Great post, Ari.
@satyricaldude
My comment was not intended to be sexual in nature. It's just that for my sensibilities I would prefer the nude people to look more like Michelangelo statues - not sexual per se, just beautiful.
Average looking people do not look good naked.
And asking the sweaty 350 pound guy with the fur mat on his back to pass the rolls would be too much.
I give kudos to the people that can be nudists and enjoy each other's company - flaws and all. I admit I have too many hang-ups to do that with grace and ease.
Thankfully there are clothed gatherings for people like me.
It could be a Ho Hum event viewing wise...you are catching on...nudism is natural and engaging.
Better social interactions I have found.
simply impractical:
rear ends & genitals on the seating?
...paper or plastic?
I hope that when this issue's gone
I'll see you when your clothes are on
And take 'em off in private
Where are we heading...
sajshirazi.blogspot.com
No 36 hour "ready when you are" vicadin allowed.
Concordian you literally made me laugh out loud.
I applaud Ari for taking it off - with strangers none the less!! More power to the nudists!
Snail trail escargot and hair pie surprise "ooh yum yum" I want some!
Once told by Buddy Hackett: If all civilization went nude, picture a wedding, all present are nude. Minister says to bride"Do you take this man etc,etc. She looks around the church, points and replies, "No, I think I'll take that one."
Went to a nude compound in Kissimmee, FL.. I was 35 at the time, so I was in pretty good shape. You had to be nude to enter the pool and you had to use a towel in the restaurants to sit on. It was quite a treat to see the young and not so nice to see the old farts. It was not sexual at all. But it left nothing to the imagination. Try it sometime!
I've had a number of nude meals, and many with strangers. The difference is that we were all at various California nudist resorts.
It takes a little practice....because we are all clothed far too much since childhood. We're all told naked is "bad".
You need to do it a few more times, preferably sitting out in the sun...not inside an apartment. You quickly find you enjoy the people, and thier smiles and their enjoyment of being nude. It becomes addictive...it's freeing, relaxing, and fun.
Take up Richard on his invitation and go to Florida with some other newbies. You may find it harder to get dressed a the end of the trip than you ever imagined.
PauPer, you make a good point. That's why the first rule of nudists is to always sit on your own towel.
@TexasVoodoo:
I hate to say it, darlin', but the quickest way to get over your hangups is to strip down and face your fears.
another half-baked pseudo-sexy article? i honestly can't understand how you people keep your jobs. are these licks supposed to be tantalizing? or are you just dumping your petty frustrations out on nobody in particular?
listen, there is nothing unappetizing about nudity. if you're eating shit, thats one thing. if not, would suggest you move to europe and watch television for once. you would realize that you're probably an american. i for one, would love to admit to being one, especially if people like you would get over bad writing and a lack of intelligent insight into more interesting topics.
if all it takes to cover your beat is cynicism and another ego depreciating life in new york, then consider you and your four closest lunch pals fired. muaha.
I personally eat dinner naked...
Are there ever any HOT people at these nudist gatherings ? Don't most of the women lack a certain perkiness, while the men resemble big-bellied hairy-back trolls hung like acorns ? But, they must have "GREAT PERSONALITIES." When people go out to dinner they don't show up in scraggly wrinkly clothes. Nobody wants to see wrinkled body suits either. Seriously what's the point ? Stick with the "knitting."
I've been a closet nudist for a while due to lack of opportunity, so I did wonder why Arianne sort of squandered hers by worrying so much. Nudism is about being yourself, but most people don't get it because they can't even be themselves when they're clothed. Every human body is beautiful in its own way, and so is every human. I think if we're picking and choosing who we want to see, naked or not, based on looks, then we've missed the point. I think the article offered some interesting insights into nudism, but throwing the adolescent angst in took some of it's power away.
Thank you.
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