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My Love Affair With The Aniston
Evan Agostini/AP
Ever since I saw her dorky high school photo, I have been crushing—hard.
For years, Brangelina claimed that nothing happened between them until Brad was separated. This has always struck me as a transparent lie, but one the world has mostly agreed to maintain for the sake of everyone’s dignity, akin to the common practice of saying “restroom” instead of “shitcorner.” Cut to: this month’s Vogue, in which Aniston—questioned about a remark Jolie made in The New York Times about falling in love with Brad while Brad and Jen were still very much married—gave a brief response ending in these four definitive words: “That was really uncool.”
Bang. They landed on the cover. This was the tabloid world’s version of Martin Luther nailing his letter to the door of that church in Wittenberg. Cue hysteria, washing over the pop culture landscape in a tidal wave of gossip rags shouting their headlines. From Star: FURIOUS BRAD: SHUT UP JEN. From Us Weekly: HOW ANGELINA TORTURES JEN. And In Touch: JEN, I’M SORRY (that’s supposed to be Brad talking). Online, readers have thrown their opinions into the usual piles. There are those who still say Aniston needs to “get over it,” still call her ugly, or simply tell her, in the words of one internet based poet, “Shut up!”
The Aniston is funny, in that way that people learn to be when late blooming beauty makes personality a necessity rather than a choice.
But then there are those like me. It pains me to use this terminology, but here goes: I’m Team Aniston. Big time. My friends and I don’t refer to her as Jennifer. Or Jen. Or even as Aniston. In our hearts, her celebrity signifies something at the nexus of beauty, heartbreak, surviving… hair… tans... So to us, aware that we don’t know the person, this persona we’re obsessed with is dubbed The Aniston. As in, “Ohmigod, did you see The Aniston on Oprah yet?” or, “I’m gonna stay in tonight, Vogue just hit the stands and The Aniston’s on the cover.” Or, “I agree with The Aniston, Jolie’s comment was very uncool. I'm not a Jolie hater at all. I respect her and sometimes even like her. But it’s just not the same as with The Aniston. Or, I agree with The Aniston, Jolie’s comment was very uncool. (That’s not a quote, that’s just me writing that now.)
Why do I, and so many other women, see her as our Girl Crush, our imaginary (big capital F) Friend? For starters, there’s her high school picture. It looks kind of like my high school picture. Not in the sense of a resemblance, but just in the sense that she had an adolescence at all, complete with big eyebrows, baby fat, and visible insecurity. High school pictures of Angelina Jolie look like pictures of current day Angelina Jolie. (I don’t believe she was ever younger than fourteen.) I think Jolie and The Aniston are both beautiful, but they’re obviously different kinds of beautiful. Jolie’s looks are the visual equivalent of a trust fund. The Aniston is a naturally pretty girl, but like most of us, she amps it up though hard work. (And before some of you start screaming at me that she’s had a nose job, I’m gonna go out on a limb and include plastic surgery under the hard work label. She paid for it with her own hard earned cash, after all.)
The Aniston is funny, in that way that people learn to be when late blooming beauty makes personality a necessity rather than a choice. The Aniston has an appealing vulnerability. People make fun of her for only pretending to be over Brad, to which I say, good for her! I don’t know any of these people, but I’m still not over it. I like that The Aniston spent the first three years after her breakup walking around wrapped in a giant pashmina security blanket.
When I see Jolie in a magazine, I run out to buy it and then feel vaguely depressed. It’s like staring at the sun: I’m compelled to try it, but it always burns. As my therapist would say, she makes me feel “less than.” When I see The Aniston in a magazine, I run out to buy it and feel slightly better. Her Vogue photo shoot was yet another enjoyable example of accessible beauty secrets. I’ll never have Jolie’s lips, but I could wear a tight striped sweater that shows off my boobs (p307)! I’ll never have Jolie’s giraffe limbs, but I could find an afternoon sun patch and play with my hair like I don’t even know I’m doing it (p311). I’ll never have sex with Brad Pitt, but I could sit next to a cute terrier mix and kind of laugh-smile while I think about what it’s like—or in her case, remember what it’s like (p314). And as for this bikini (p 315)—well, I’m not sure I could look like that.
Jessi Klein is a writer and comedian who has frequently appeared on Comedy Central, CNN, VH1, and the Today show. She is currently writing a screenplay for Universal Studios, as well as occasionally drawing animals for her best friend’s letterpress card company. She also likes to think she has value as a human being aside from her numerous credits in the entertainment industry.
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I've always suspected that Jen and Brad were going to separate anyway, and separate amicably. The put on was using his new relationship with la' Jolie to get publicity out of it.
Kind of like this..."Ya know, Jen, if instead of me just boringly divorcing you and taking up with her, let's give it some drama. We'll leak the story that Angelina and I were fooling around on the set of Mr. And Mrs. Smith, while you and I were still married. The paper and electronic tabloid media will run with the story, painting Angelina as irresistable siren/home wrecker, you the wronged woman/America's Sweethear, and me the handsome, edgy, bad boy. It will transform this divorce from a boring blip in our personal life to publicity with real legs".
And doesn't the publicity have legs?
I've never gotten the appeal personally. She was my least favorite character on Friends. She always annoyed me with how self-absorbed she was. (And Ross was right -- they WERE on a break!) And she's entirely "constructed" (i.e. if you like how she looks, credit her doctors). So I guess if you like a plastic surgery junkie self-absorbed "America's sweetheart" she's got you covered...
Yawn. Every time I read a Jessi Klein article, I come away feeling like I was cheated of the time it took to read the article searching in vain for a humorous punchline or witty point, but once again it's not there. Thanks for buying into the vicious circle of the beauty myth by saying that a nose job is part of the "hard work" label when it is not, you have just enabled a thousand plus female neuroses with regards to body image and the inability to afford to reshape ones body to a mythic standard. Congratulations Ms. Klein, you have my "three strikes and you're out" award, meaning that I never will read your irrelevant articles again due to the lack of substance in them. Such an article sets back the women's movement 50 years, I hope you are proud.
Another great article from Miss Klein!....I don't think your humor is so subtle or narrow in focus, that I can understand why people bash your writing. I have read everything you have posted on this site since I saw Tina Brown on the Colbert Report talking about your Gergen article. It seems to me that most of the audience on this site, just wants cut and dry news all the time from all the writers. I enjoy the fact that this news source for me also provides some intelligent, well-written humor. Oh, and I've had a straight guy crush on "The Aniston" forever.
I couldn't agree more with Catch22! I deeply enjoy Miss Klein's articles, including this one.
I too, have followed this site since hearing about the Gergen article on the Colbert Report, and am surprised at how bland the readers would prefer the news here to be. I come to this site to get an eclectic assortment of opinions. If I wanted just the straightforward facts, I'd watch CNN or something equally boring and dull.
Regarding this particular piece, I don't consider myself a celebrity stalker, I don't follow trashy mags with any regularity, but I still feel for The Aniston. She is a beautiful woman, regardless of process, who has always seemed genuine and intelligent. Angelina, on the other hand, has always appeared tempestuous and sultry. I respect both, but only really enjoy Aniston. For Angelina to openly admit when their affair started, I can imagine is very hurtful, even all these years later. I wouldn't want to know that if I were a once happily married woman.
I'm with you Miss Klein, Jen Aniston is the celebrity I would most like to be friends with, she is a class act and totally real. She was correct in commenting on the start of Brad and Angelina's relationship, is nothing sacred anymore? Was it really necessary for Angelina to make that statement? Have some class!
I love my girl Aniston.. And I love this article.. Amen for JA.. You rock girl.. She took the high road everytime.. I could say alot worse than "uncool"..
Love ya Jennifer Aniston.. Great article by the way..
Falling in love with a different person every week is a dumb shtick with the unfortunate side effect of eroding the original brilliance of your David Gergen article.
I remember when Pitt and Jolie were making that movie together and Jolie's Vogue interview during this time came out saying she had a "lovers" where both parties met for sex and so on and that she was very satisfied and more bs like this and I remember thinking she is so full of shit, who is this charade for? Women and men can control love and how they respect and act upon it. There is no excuse for them. A woman who has no principles but commits herself to every honorable cause still stinks. Also, the old adage applies: Pretty is as pretty does... think Angelina so very pretty now? She has more a kind of lurid fascination...kind of like Lana Turner. What you see is not transparent, not what the package of causes and kids galore implies. Scary.
To me it's all about maintance and big lips seems a lot higher than the other one who is both sexy and cute, but then again I am just a guy so what do I know.......
It's like the Sopranos...It's over. Next.
The Aniston was magnificent on Oprah last week! Truly beautiful, and glowing from within. Brad looked a little guilty on Oprah this week. He knows he hurt her terribly and that she didn't deserve it. If it took Jennifer Aniston forever to get over it, who could blame her? I love Angelina Jolie, but I can see that she's a little whacked. What's with all the tattoos on the both of them? Six children in three years? If Sarah Palin can't raise five children and run for v.p., then how can Angelina raise six, make movies, save the world, and plan for more? I hope everyone is happy, but I see numerous developmental crises on the horizon.
i appreciate this article and that you love jen. i'm a huge angelina fan because she's more than just brad's woman. she's a real, true humanitarian that LOVES KIDS and loves being a mom. i know, i know, not a reason to love anyone, but for me she's a great role model. i LOVE that she bikes, does many of her own stunts, flies a plane, loves to travel AND finds time to have children and love them. she really doesn't seem self-absorbed to me. yes, she seemed crazy and dark and acted out, but she seems to have overcome her demons. she seems to have put all that neurotic stuff aside for something larger than her. HER KIDS, and the poor and disenfranchised. maybe i'm naive, but i really believe that brad and she didn't consummate their relationship for a long time. i believe there were real sparks and that when he was free (separated) they just couldn't resist each other. I believe that brad left jen because he wanted to change his life. what did he do with jen besides walk the red carpet alot. since he's been with jolie, he's building homes in new orleans, being of service to others and being a great dad. i don't know that he and jolie will stay together, i don't believe in fairytales. but i do believe that he and jolie have accomplished so much more in their lives TOGETHER ALREADY, than jennifer could ever imagine. aside from jen's tanning, yoga and partying, i honestly don't know what interests her, and i guess that's why i was never a fan. P.S. notice i didn't mention looks?
Jesse, I thought you were a comedian. Maybe your humor and mannerism doesn't translate to print. How about some yuks !
Doesn't Anniston keep saying she's moved on, yet isn't she the one that keeps bringing up the Brad era ? Who gives a rats ass about "Jen"? The "Jen & Brad Story" is about as old and tedious as a Jennifer Grey nose job reference.
WHERE'S MY POST?
I agree with Cicero. The Gergen essay was good. Let that stand and move on to something else. If I wanted to read about The Aniston and Brangelina and the like I would be reading one of the celebrity tabloid sites.
The basic premise is wrong. Jolie is discusting and unattractive. Anniston is natural, pretty and appealing. What's the point?
If I wanted a self-absorbed friend who spends her time and money tanning, eating out, vacationing to Mexico to do the same, all while perpetuating the "all the blame is on the other woman not me or my weakless husband who got voodooed into another relationship" instead of using a small BIT of her millions to help alievate some social ills or at least focus attention on them so others could help, then yes, Aniston would be the friend I'd seek.
http://www.236.com/video/2008/get_your_war_on_the_day_traito_10364.php
The only thing better than reading a funny Jessi Klein article is reading the various responses in which people with incredibly dimwitted user names complain about the lack of wit and argue about the humorous piece as if they're a bunch of armchair Kissinger's discussing pan-African foreign policy.
I can't stand someone who plays victim when it comes time to promote one of her movies. 20 years from now she will still be talking about brad pitt and saying "it wasn't cool". It's time for her to get a life and using other people to promote herself. 30 Rock ratings actually went down on the one she was on. Time for her to get a life and actually star in a decent movie.
@ Stancher: other than ad hominem attacks against those who disagree with you and an anus to nostril union with Ms. Klein in terms of admiration, what intellectual nuggets do you have to offer in terms in terms of intellectual critique of those for whom you disagree?
I fail to see anything from you other than grade school name calling gussied up a bit. That is actually more amusing coming from an adult than the above article, but not for wit; your comment is in a way as mildly amusing as watching a spider monkey hurl poop on YouTube.
First of all, great article. Second of all, lmfao@citivas not liking a charactor of friends don't you realize the WRITERS of the show had control ? you silly twit. Third of all, Jen might be over him.She might never get over the pain though. That's crushing it could be years before it doesn't cut and wound anymore..And for Jolie to say that WAS uncool. I like Jolie as an actress, but as a person I have no respect for her.Adopt all the children you want, still won't change what you are. A home wrecker and honey , if he did it for you.. he'll do it TO you. She's trash with alot of money, sheesh you could wash and dress up a pig and you know what? it'll still be a pig :)
Who cares??????????????????????????????????
Thank you.
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