Blogs and Stories
The Nazi of the Quiet Car
Adventures with (rrrrring!) cell phones on the Amtrak, and the day I told the FBI director to shut up.
I live on a train. I know—what a sad thing to admit. I am the New Age Willy Loman. But there it is.
It’s a nice train, I will say. It’s called the Acela, a name meant to denote swiftness and “costs more.” It plies between Washington and Boston. My portion of the silver rails lies between Washington and New York.
I inhabit the car designated “The Quiet Car.” In its wisdom, good old Amtrak finally decided, some years after the advent of the cellular age, to designate one car out of six for passengers who, oddly, prefer not to be bystanders to conversations in which they play no part. How my heart used to sink, in the early days, when the passenger next to me would take from his briefcase a battery pack the size of a cinder-block, attach it to his prototype cell phone, and bark, “CHARLEY, CAN YOU HEAR ME? NOW CAN YOU HEAR ME? GREAT. OKAY—LET’S RUN THE NUMS.”
Perhaps instead of waterboarding our “high value detainees” we might just simply subject them to other people’s cell phone conversations. I’d tell which cave Osama is in within ten minutes.
Perhaps instead of waterboarding our “high value detainees” we might just simply subject them to other people’s cell phone conversations. I’d tell which cave Osama is in within ten minutes.
The Quiet Car does not hide its light under a bushel. Prominent and explicit signs hang from the ceiling at five-foot intervals. They declare, unequivocally, that NO CELL PHONES ARE PERMITTED and that conversation must be kept to a minimum and in hushed tones. In addition to this ostentatious signage, the conductor announces over the p.a. system, often in a stentorian, Pavarotti-like voice, “IF YOU CAN HEAR THIS ANNOUNCEMENT, YOU ARE SEATED IN THE QUIET CAR. NO CELL PHONES ARE PERMITTED IN THE QUIET CAR AND ALL CONVERSATIONS MUST BE CONDUCTED [pun intended, I wonder?] IN A LIBRARY-LIKE ATMOSPHERE.” Often they add that there are five other cars where one can sit and exhibit St. Vitus Dance symptoms, do primal scream therapy, whatever’s your pleasure. You just can’t do it in this car.
I reflect that not once, in all these years, have I ever seen Vice President-elect Biden on the Quiet Car. As senator from Delaware, he faithfully commuted on this train every day to and from Wilmington. I just Googled “Biden” and “quiet car.” The first match is a newspaper report from September: “At 1:57, Biden took a seat on the first passenger car—not a quiet car...” QED.
At any rate, all perfectly straightforward, you might think. But no. No, no. Years of riding the Quiet Car, on which I have written perhaps a half dozen novels, many articles, and now my blog—my blog!—have turned me into something I never thought I would become: a Nazi. For it seems to fall to me to be the enforcer of quietude. I know—sad, pathetic, even. My life used to be more exciting than this. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Now I am become Shush, the Destroyer of Conversations.
John Talks Joe
Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
The Right Dumps Carrie
Jacob Bernstein is a senior reporter at The Daily Beast. Previously, he was a features writer at WWD and W Magazine. He has also written for New York magazine, Paper, and The Huffington Post.
Geithner's Stock Plummeting
Jeff Madrick is a contributor to the New York Review of Books and a former economics columnist for the New York Times. He is editor of Challenge Magazine, visiting professor of humanities at Cooper Union, and senior fellow at the New School's Schwartz Center for Economic Policy Analysis. He is the author of Taking America, The End of Affluence (Random House) and The Case for Big Government.
Lessons from Another War
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
It's Time for Us to Go
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
A Prize Too Far
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
Mr. Buckley, I love you!!! I always make a bee line for the Quiet car and am a "Shush Monster." Cell phones are the bane of our lives. Among the worst: people in small elevators having loud conversations/arguments with their mothers or wives. I've taking to giving lectures on etiquette and civil behavior in our world awash in incivility. Please write more on this topic. I'm so glad the Feebies didn't mow you down with their glocks! Yours, in gratitude, Sarah Begus
Dear Mr. B: scan the web for firms marketing mobile (our word for cell phones here) phone blockers. They are as small as cigarette packages and work beautifully, shutting off all calls within a 10-metre radius.
Yours, a sympathetic Swiss
I am so glad Mr Buckley has come over to the 'good' side. We totally enjoy his blogs.
Would you, perhaps, consider recording and selling some of your effective 'shut up' comments? I've tried without success on MetroNorth and usually get no response other than a 'fuck you' or a glare. Even in these tough times, there is always a market for a great product!
Honestly, that there people who do not understand the concept of quiet make me despair for the future of the human race.
Quiet car is nice in theory but a disaster in practice. More often than not, the "louds" take up seats in the quiet car simply because its SRO elsewhere on the train. I feel no compunction to be quiet in the quiet car when there is nowhere else to sit, nazi be damned.
I live within minutes of my of office so thank God I get to walk to work. My only inconvenience (if you can call it that) is having to say Good morning to my co-workers or students, so thanks for the reminder just how much so many other people suck. Gotta give Freeh credit though for manning up and leaving.
Good for you, Mr. Buckley! Courtesy is never common, but rudeness seems to be ubiquitious. Ireturned to school as an adult, and was amazed at students in the university library having loud, blatant cell phone conversations throughout the facility. I do forgive those students with headphones listening to music - they are hard of hearing early and have no clue that their music can be heard by others from fifteen feet away even through their headphones. And don't get me started on people who think that perfume and cologne are meant to be forty-foot billboards announcing their presence instead of quiet, subtle comments. I find it easy to excuse folks who are obviously embarrassed when it is pointed out that they are disturbing others, because clearly there is no intent, but arrogant jerks who not only bother everyone within hearing distance but assume it is there right to do so and respond to polite requests to tone it down with profanity ought to be locked in a timy space with someone equally rude and arrogant.
I heartily endorse this blog post, and have just become your ardent fan. I echo the suggestion of my fellow admirer "apparently" above that you record some of your finer shushings. You may capture the sound of your own death, but that will lend your obituary the proper Multi-Media flavour.
Awesome
I heartily concur. However, I've recently heard from a friend who rides our local train in Seattle that the "quiet" car is no more. Too many ignorers and not enough Nazis I say!
I really wonder how people ever survived before cell phones...they leave the house and within seconds they are on the cell phone.... could you not have made that call before you left??
I personally think all cell phone calling should be made illegal while driving, nobody needs to be using a phone while you are in charge of such a dangerous item...your car!!!
I also think it is rude and annoying to keep hearing phones going off in restaurants etc etc....if it's an emergency of course that is different....but it's just the norm for folks to be on cell phones all day and everywhere.
Society is just so impersonal these days....don't go and visit someone, just text or call....so sad.
I really wonder how people ever survived before cell phones...they leave the house and within seconds they are on the cell phone.... could you not have made that call before you left??
I personally think all cell phone calling should be made illegal while driving, nobody needs to be using a phone while you are in charge of such a dangerous item...your car!!!
I also think it is rude and annoying to keep hearing phones going off in restaurants etc etc....if it's an emergency of course that is different....but it's just the norm for folks to be on cell phones all day and everywhere.
Society is just so impersonal these days....don't go and visit someone, just text or call....so sad.
I really wonder how people ever survived before cell phones...they leave the house and within seconds they are on the cell phone.... could you not have made that call before you left??
I personally think all cell phone calling should be made illegal while driving, nobody needs to be using a phone while you are in charge of such a dangerous item...your car!!!
I also think it is rude and annoying to keep hearing phones going off in restaurants etc etc....if it's an emergency of course that is different....but it's just the norm for folks to be on cell phones all day and everywhere.
Society is just so impersonal these days....don't go and visit someone, just text or call....so sad.
Sorry about the repeats, hit the button over by mistake!!!
There's always a cell phone jammer if you can a) afford the $11,000 fine and b) stand not being able to offer witty shushes to your neighbors.
This is my first read of your blog, please have something interesting tomorrow so it won't be my last
Mr. Buckley,
I disagree with you on many things, not the least of which are political, but this post (and your shushing of Mr. Freeh) ROCKS!
To Milkbone and Fellow Buckley-ites: If you have not treated your eyes, brains, and funnybones to Christopher Buckleys novels, now is the time to do so! Start with his latest ouvre: "Supreme Courtship," and, after youv'e wiped the tears of laughter out of your eyes, start reading your way down his entire booklist. Chris Buckley IS The Best of The Beast!
While, I usually do not need my cell for business... I prefer to leave it on silent, or one beep. Why does everyone feel the need to answer their cell?
I love your work on the Beast Mr. Buckley, this was a tremendous little entry. I have not had to ride the train much in my life, but I do hate hearing obnoxious cell phone ringers in the possession of anyone over the age of 17. Why can we not figure out how to put our phones on vibrate if we are anywhere reasonably quiet? Or for my fellow men that carry our phones in our freaking pockets; why must I hear tinny distorted 80's hair metal everytime you get a f-ing phone call?
Lol! You are sooo bored
LOL. Your blogs are always so funny.
I applaud your courage at telling people to be quiet on the quiet car. I am usually too timid. The world needs more people like you!
Christopher
Your a new star!
No man crush tho.
Move west. In the de facto quiet car, known as the Library, on the Seattle- Bainbridge ferry a nun-like atmosphere persists thanks to the self-perpetuating loop of a culture that values Manners in Public. It's nice to be nice to the nice.
What gives? I was all set to read a piece about some authoritarian electric car manufacturer and instead 'm interrupted by some guy going on about the need for quiet in public spaces (nice piece though -- and you'll be happy to know I read it quietly).
Great article, Christopher! I recommend that we banish cell-phone users to outdoor spaces, like we've done with those smokers who must huddle outside office buildings. On a train, that would mean that cramped little space between rail cars? If that doesn't do it then Amtrak should hire beefy guys to hurl them off the train. Fine with me.
Thank you.
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