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The Nazi of the Quiet Car
Adventures with (rrrrring!) cell phones on the Amtrak, and the day I told the FBI director to shut up.
I live on a train. I know—what a sad thing to admit. I am the New Age Willy Loman. But there it is.
It’s a nice train, I will say. It’s called the Acela, a name meant to denote swiftness and “costs more.” It plies between Washington and Boston. My portion of the silver rails lies between Washington and New York.
I inhabit the car designated “The Quiet Car.” In its wisdom, good old Amtrak finally decided, some years after the advent of the cellular age, to designate one car out of six for passengers who, oddly, prefer not to be bystanders to conversations in which they play no part. How my heart used to sink, in the early days, when the passenger next to me would take from his briefcase a battery pack the size of a cinder-block, attach it to his prototype cell phone, and bark, “CHARLEY, CAN YOU HEAR ME? NOW CAN YOU HEAR ME? GREAT. OKAY—LET’S RUN THE NUMS.”
Perhaps instead of waterboarding our “high value detainees” we might just simply subject them to other people’s cell phone conversations. I’d tell which cave Osama is in within ten minutes.
Perhaps instead of waterboarding our “high value detainees” we might just simply subject them to other people’s cell phone conversations. I’d tell which cave Osama is in within ten minutes.
The Quiet Car does not hide its light under a bushel. Prominent and explicit signs hang from the ceiling at five-foot intervals. They declare, unequivocally, that NO CELL PHONES ARE PERMITTED and that conversation must be kept to a minimum and in hushed tones. In addition to this ostentatious signage, the conductor announces over the p.a. system, often in a stentorian, Pavarotti-like voice, “IF YOU CAN HEAR THIS ANNOUNCEMENT, YOU ARE SEATED IN THE QUIET CAR. NO CELL PHONES ARE PERMITTED IN THE QUIET CAR AND ALL CONVERSATIONS MUST BE CONDUCTED [pun intended, I wonder?] IN A LIBRARY-LIKE ATMOSPHERE.” Often they add that there are five other cars where one can sit and exhibit St. Vitus Dance symptoms, do primal scream therapy, whatever’s your pleasure. You just can’t do it in this car.
I reflect that not once, in all these years, have I ever seen Vice President-elect Biden on the Quiet Car. As senator from Delaware, he faithfully commuted on this train every day to and from Wilmington. I just Googled “Biden” and “quiet car.” The first match is a newspaper report from September: “At 1:57, Biden took a seat on the first passenger car—not a quiet car...” QED.
At any rate, all perfectly straightforward, you might think. But no. No, no. Years of riding the Quiet Car, on which I have written perhaps a half dozen novels, many articles, and now my blog—my blog!—have turned me into something I never thought I would become: a Nazi. For it seems to fall to me to be the enforcer of quietude. I know—sad, pathetic, even. My life used to be more exciting than this. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Now I am become Shush, the Destroyer of Conversations.
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sarahbegus
Mr. Buckley, I love you!!! I always make a bee line for the Quiet car and am a "Shush Monster." Cell phones are the bane of our lives. Among the worst: people in small elevators having loud conversations/arguments with their mothers or wives. I've taking to giving lectures on etiquette and civil behavior in our world awash in incivility. Please write more on this topic. I'm so glad the Feebies didn't mow you down with their glocks! Yours, in gratitude, Sarah Begus
ketreader
Dear Mr. B: scan the web for firms marketing mobile (our word for cell phones here) phone blockers. They are as small as cigarette packages and work beautifully, shutting off all calls within a 10-metre radius.
Yours, a sympathetic Swiss
sed81650
I am so glad Mr Buckley has come over to the 'good' side. We totally enjoy his blogs.
apparently
Would you, perhaps, consider recording and selling some of your effective 'shut up' comments? I've tried without success on MetroNorth and usually get no response other than a 'fuck you' or a glare. Even in these tough times, there is always a market for a great product!
ronniiiiie
Honestly, that there people who do not understand the concept of quiet make me despair for the future of the human race.
davesablast
Quiet car is nice in theory but a disaster in practice. More often than not, the "louds" take up seats in the quiet car simply because its SRO elsewhere on the train. I feel no compunction to be quiet in the quiet car when there is nowhere else to sit, nazi be damned.
easton
I live within minutes of my of office so thank God I get to walk to work. My only inconvenience (if you can call it that) is having to say Good morning to my co-workers or students, so thanks for the reminder just how much so many other people suck. Gotta give Freeh credit though for manning up and leaving.
finderj
Good for you, Mr. Buckley! Courtesy is never common, but rudeness seems to be ubiquitious. Ireturned to school as an adult, and was amazed at students in the university library having loud, blatant cell phone conversations throughout the facility. I do forgive those students with headphones listening to music - they are hard of hearing early and have no clue that their music can be heard by others from fifteen feet away even through their headphones. And don't get me started on people who think that perfume and cologne are meant to be forty-foot billboards announcing their presence instead of quiet, subtle comments. I find it easy to excuse folks who are obviously embarrassed when it is pointed out that they are disturbing others, because clearly there is no intent, but arrogant jerks who not only bother everyone within hearing distance but assume it is there right to do so and respond to polite requests to tone it down with profanity ought to be locked in a timy space with someone equally rude and arrogant.
dgerard
I heartily endorse this blog post, and have just become your ardent fan. I echo the suggestion of my fellow admirer "apparently" above that you record some of your finer shushings. You may capture the sound of your own death, but that will lend your obituary the proper Multi-Media flavour.
dankobe
Awesome
CSivertsen
I heartily concur. However, I've recently heard from a friend who rides our local train in Seattle that the "quiet" car is no more. Too many ignorers and not enough Nazis I say!
cajola
I really wonder how people ever survived before cell phones...they leave the house and within seconds they are on the cell phone.... could you not have made that call before you left??
I personally think all cell phone calling should be made illegal while driving, nobody needs to be using a phone while you are in charge of such a dangerous item...your car!!!
I also think it is rude and annoying to keep hearing phones going off in restaurants etc etc....if it's an emergency of course that is different....but it's just the norm for folks to be on cell phones all day and everywhere.
Society is just so impersonal these days....don't go and visit someone, just text or call....so sad.
I really wonder how people ever survived before cell phones...they leave the house and within seconds they are on the cell phone.... could you not have made that call before you left??
I personally think all cell phone calling should be made illegal while driving, nobody needs to be using a phone while you are in charge of such a dangerous item...your car!!!
I also think it is rude and annoying to keep hearing phones going off in restaurants etc etc....if it's an emergency of course that is different....but it's just the norm for folks to be on cell phones all day and everywhere.
Society is just so impersonal these days....don't go and visit someone, just text or call....so sad.
I really wonder how people ever survived before cell phones...they leave the house and within seconds they are on the cell phone.... could you not have made that call before you left??
I personally think all cell phone calling should be made illegal while driving, nobody needs to be using a phone while you are in charge of such a dangerous item...your car!!!
I also think it is rude and annoying to keep hearing phones going off in restaurants etc etc....if it's an emergency of course that is different....but it's just the norm for folks to be on cell phones all day and everywhere.
Society is just so impersonal these days....don't go and visit someone, just text or call....so sad.
cajola
Sorry about the repeats, hit the button over by mistake!!!
lizziellen
There's always a cell phone jammer if you can a) afford the $11,000 fine and b) stand not being able to offer witty shushes to your neighbors.
milkbone
This is my first read of your blog, please have something interesting tomorrow so it won't be my last
Thank you.
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