The best kept secret of mothehood! And you are so right - just because they're short doesn't mean they're stupid. My son, at the ripe old age of seven, knows who my favorite is and one of the reasons this child is my favorite a majority of the time is because of his/her ability to know about being the favorite but not brag about it. Of course, I only have two to choose from!

"That list is crap and you are all suck-ups." Peik adds in the pleasant manor that only a teenager can muster? Your teenager managed to muster up a manor? Congrats. Enough to make them my favorite.

So true! I only have one but still, some days he's at the top of my list, other days I love him because I have to.

Sing it to me, sister. And I can't wait to see what the haters have to say about this one: That's half the entertainment.

I really enjoy your refreshingly unsentimental view of parenthood. Small clarification: your teenage son mustered a "manner," not a "manor."

I think that is true that some Mother's do have a favourite child, I know my Mum did and it wasn't me....did it bother me absolutely not.
I know she loved me and I loved her dearly....I think it matters more if the "favourite" child is shown constantly and obviously that he/she is just that.
I think you can balance that between all your children, but I think anyone who has more than one child would be lying if they didn't have a special place in their hearts for one of those children....albeit small.
I didn't feel anyway left out or neglected and that to me is the role of a fabulous Mother, mine and one I adored until her death 14 years ago.

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I don't mean to be a hater or a naysayer but...my kids take turns being annoying and whomever's turn it is is my least favorite. I haven't had a permanent favorite - it vacillates day by day.

I just loved Laura on Project Runway. She was Desperate Housewives' Bree Van de Kamp's evil twin. She was the Anti-Bree. She kind of looked and acted like Bree, but then WHEEE!

She's the one I wanted to hang with.

Good job, Laura. Keep it up!

Awesome. I don't know what made me happier: the column, or seeing that's you're writing for the Beast.

As my parents' "golden child," I agree heartily.

I dunno - I have three and I don't seem to have a favorite, at least not a long-term favorite. Mine are far apart, so long-term favoritism just never happened. I never even had to resist the temptation. I did sometimes wonder if there was something wrong that I didn't seem to favor one over the others. especially when one was being a major pain and the other two weren't. Ah, well - now I just tell 'em that my favorite is the one I am with. And if I'm blessed and it's all three together, I tell 'em that they shouldn't worry about that - they should make me their favorite.

So true! Sometimes its hard to balance, with two teenagers and a 4 yo: the teenagers hate you and your little one adores you. Sometimes 'The List' is an ego thing (for yourself), but perfectly natural.

Your column is always good for a guffaw and a cringe. I love your honesty and style and the line about them being "short not stupid." In my home, my brother and I were always second or at best on par with one of the dogs. We were loved but, unlike the dog, we were demanding. Maybe kids need to know that their peskiness is a trial to other people. Who better than a loving mom to let them know just that?

I love your honesty! I only have one kid so far and he's my favorite, but I grew up in a house of three children and there were definitely favorites at different times with my mother. Laura, you are refreshing in a sea of mom bloggers that are annoying as all get out!

I have three children, and no favourite. And no, I am not fooling myself or anyone else. I love them all, and love different qualities they have. Having a favourite is about manipulation, not motherhood. For me, it would be akin to saying I have a favourite finger. Nonsensical!

great post. i only have one, but there are so many of these secrets--i wrote in my last book i favored my biological child. people went nuts, but it was honest and got just as many agreeing as denying. AND more kids expressing relief i had given voice to their feeling that all of the parents combined. thanks for writing!

So, janeeh, I hope you aren't implying that if I disagree I'm a "hater." I enjoyed the article as it forced me to think seriously about the issue, but I don't agree with it. The fact that the author and a number of the commentators clearly point out that The List is ever-changing makes the very idea that one child is a favorite somewhat less compelling. It would almost be like saying I have a favorite pair of shoes: I absolutely love my warm and fuzzy slippers, but I would never wear them to go for a hike in the woods. So, I'd say there are many different lists. Each of my kids brings a very special quality to our relationship, and it's up to me as their parent to nurture those that are positive. One might be at the top of one list, but the others have their number one spots on other lists.

snakesonablog said:

"Having a favourite is about manipulation, not motherhood. For me, it would be akin to saying I have a favourite finger. Nonsensical!"

to which I say:

Motherhood is manipulation; like when you convince your kid that the pumpkin they so lovingly carved into a grinning new friend had it coming, or that regardless of what all the other kids say, it really is cool to read a book a week, or that it really is every kids responsibility and dream to grow up and be very wealthy so their parents can retire early.

And as for the finger...well I have a favorite, and although others might take it wrong when I show it to them, I'm just sharing one of my favorite things.

Cheers!

I don't really know where I stand on having a favorite as a mom, b/c I'm not one. But I am the youngest of 3 and the favorite of my mom. And honestly, it's not really all it's cracked up to be. For one, it's a lot of pressure on me to be better (and it's not the brother and sister left me low standards).
But more than that is the affect it places on the dynamic of a bro/sis relationship. My sister is the center of the universe, so she doesn't know, but my brother has noticed and I think it makes him a little sad. And then I feel guilty. My mom always maintains that she has no favorite, but we've always been closer. So unless you want your fav to feel guilt a/b being favorite, try and make it a little less obvious to us kids

I have a favourite child - then again I only have one child, so I guess this is not news for me!

I have a 4 month old and a 3 year old. The favorite changes daily, or even hourly, around here. Having a favorite doesn't mean the unfavored child is unloved or abused by any means. It simply means which one you like better at that moment. When my 4 month old wakes up with a smile on her face after sleeping 8 hours, while her sister had a temper tantram over night, the baby is the favorite. But when my 3 year old happily practices her letters and reading while the baby lays there like a lump, albeit a cute lump, the older one is the favorite.

It can change over time too. Growing up my brother was the favorite for both parents. Now I'm the one that has stayed close and brings the grandkids by. Clearly I have moved up.

I refuse to have children unless Laura still has a column when that time comes. Seriously.

Lordy, lordy--you really have children named Peik, Larson, and Truman? Well, whatever. But a note to Daily Beast eds: this columnist could definitely use a helping hand when it comes to grammar, spelling, and punctuation...

Sounds like 'pay to play' motherhood. Sounds like tough love, are you by any chance from Chicago?

You have a friend who used her low family status to drive her professionally (thats the positive effect) and now what about the equally, opposite negative result (she has at least one directly related to not measuring up next to the golden child --now don't lie).

If your favorites change daily or often they aren't really doing much damage because no one really is "Special" over anyone else---everyone gets a turn based on age, phase, or behavior.

But if you are making any of your children "consistently, over long-term" feel they don't measure to a standard (set by you) and met by their other sibling ----you are playing unfair, mind games that likely creates more negativity than positivity as adults.

Like you said, they are not stupid but depending on age, maturity, kids don't always understand nuance and context. Try telling your 4 year old, she/he is not our favorite but you still love all the same.

I am not sure the 4 year old would get it.

But then again neither do I.

Truly wonderful to read an honest account of motherhood - that is actually from a MOTHER! :) Hooray Laura Bennett.