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Six Reasons to Thank Blago
Brian Kersey/Getty
The Daily Beast's Christopher Buckley on how the governor's foul-mouthed phone calls have helped the nation rediscover its priorities—and taken our minds off the frivolous stuff, like the massive economic crisis.
Under the category of I turn my back for just ten minutes and this has to happen? Well, what should I have expected? After all, this blog is titled “What Fresh Hell.”
I am abroad, in places where communication with the wider world has been a bit hit-and-miss. Experienced traveler that I am, I managed to leave my adapter plug at home, and every time I presented my 110-volt plug, the person behind the desk either laughed or shook their head the way stockbrokers do these days when you ask if you have any money left.
When I finally made it out of the forest and got my mitts on a newspaper, there was a photo of someone who looked either like Tom Berenger after a massive Botox injection, or yet another Baldwin brother, ducking furtively into a van. (Future Illinois appointee-senators and, for that matter, prospective governors, take note: That stoat-like sideways glance is not a winner, photo-op-wise.)
How good to have another Jesse Jackson scandal. It has been too long.
I come late to this feast. Doubtless you are already drenched in incisive commentary by our nation’s punditariat and blogotariat, so I won’t belabor you as I prepare to fly home to the land of Lincoln (oh dear, dear, dear) but to add my 50-pence worth:
1. Thank heavens Mr. Fitzgerald has given us another juicy political crisis to keep our mind off bailouts, the greatest economic crisis since the Depression, and our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. For a minute there, it looked we were might have to concentrate on The Big Picture. How much more diverting to focus on the villainy of a potty-mouthed Illinois pol. He manages to make Rahm Emanuel sound like an altar boy.
2. Governor Blagojevich (pity, I was just learning how to spell his name) has done the impossible: He has caused Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid finally to make an exciting utterance: “Governor Blagojevich should under no circumstances make an appointment.”
3. The governor is clearly no mere dastard, but The Artful Dodger Meets Dick Cheney. According to The New York Times, “…the governor is known to prefer to avoid his offices here and in Springfield to work alone at his North Side home or some other unofficial location.” A governor who avoids his offices and who prefers to work at an undisclosed location? What, pray, did the good people of Chicago make of such transparency?
4. How good to have another Jesse Jackson scandal. It has been too long. Yes, yes, I know, “Candidate 5”—sounds like a beauty competition contestant, only…not—has loudly proclaimed his innocence, saying that he has done nothing wrong and was unaware that the selection process had been corrupted. Give that man the 2008 Captain Renaud “I’m shocked, shocked!” award. Corruption? In Illinois, where a mere five governors since 1960 have been indicted for corruption? Perish the thought.
5. Let us pause, amid our ululations, to admit that there is something almost magnificent in Governor Blagojevich’s refusal to resign. He is also lighting us the way to bold new procedural avenues of rascal-disposal. The state’s attorney general (also known as “Candidate 2”) says that an impeachment proceeding might take too long, and that perhaps the better way would be simply to have the state Supreme Court declare him unfit. I didn’t know they could do that, but I’m glad to learn they can.
6. It even has a just-in-time-for-the-holidays element. We learn that the good governor was withholding money to Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago, pending a $50,000 payoff. God bless us, every one!
Christopher Buckley’s books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. His journalism, satire, and criticism has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Vanity Fair, Vogue, and Esquire. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and the founder and editor-in-chief of Forbes FYI.
John Talks Joe
Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
The Right Dumps Carrie
Jacob Bernstein is a senior reporter at The Daily Beast. Previously, he was a features writer at WWD and W Magazine. He has also written for New York magazine, Paper, and The Huffington Post.
Lessons from Another War
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
It's Time for Us to Go
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
A Prize Too Far
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
It is always a joy to find one of your commentaries on the front page of The Beast when I come to work in the morning.
Sublimely hilarious, as usual.
I nearly drove off the road when I heard the BBC news announcing that my governor had been arrested (the pronouciation of Blagojevich was off, but I knew who they meant) and have been delighting in this story, as embarrassing as it is for our state and President-elect. I love the idea of a Renaud award. You asked what the good people of Illinois thought of the govenor's work ethic. I can tell you that while most of us were wild about our senator becoming president, the best argument to vote against Obama in the general election in IL was that an Obama victory would allow Blagojevich to choose our next senator. I am relieved that our white knight has saved us (again) from our own elected official. Patrick Fitzgerald has a job for life here. And as much as Blagojevich wants to appoint himself out of this state, I think his arrest has curtailed his ability to do harm. I think someone needs to tell Gov. Ryan that he has a new roomie at the governor's suite. But that still leaves us here wondering who will be next. . .
You should definitely keep that adapter plug at home lest you read about the 50 billion, yes billion with a b, ponzi scheme on Wall Street. Luckily Madoff is easier to spell. You know, the world has pretty much officially gone to hell since McCain introduced Palin to the world. Co-incidence?
Sound like a crush to me RYNRGSDL . Not trying to offend. I like his work to.
about time you joined us mr buckley
The actor Sean Astin a tin of black shoe polish = Blago
(with apologies to Mr. Astin)
OK, try that again without using the plus symbol:
The actor Sean Astin PLUS a tin of black shoe polish = Blago
Good to see you are back in touch with the world-although the question begs to be asked: would you rather you weren't now?
Now you see in this worst crisis ever, (it is totally worldwide except for the French), Santa is making the rounds early to bring good cheer to Rupert and friends.
While they drench us in the intoxicating voyeurism, we become more inured to the the boundless greed for power and money and dare I say.....
Sean Astin? Nahhh. I keep seeing John Travolta as Vinnie Barbarino, 15 years out of high school.
Wouldn't you prefer to be back in Outer Wherever than back here? Granted, the governor seems prime fodder for a satirist, but may be too over the top and too sad. It's a little like Tina Fey's sendup of Alaska's governor--the one where they didn't even change Palin's speech.
How do you make fun of someone who is already this comic? It's difficult to be subtle, but also nearly imporssible to be more over the top. How do you exagerate this?
Good post, as always.
Your Posts really are great fun to read. A true, modern day Humorist ... and just in time. You should have the 110 Volt Adapter permanently embedded into your briefcase as you seem either on a train or 'plane'? commuting to and from your own 'undisclosed location'. I was greatly amused this Political Season to find that I was being surveilled by Ted Turner, no less, simply because I had contacted an old friend who used to work in Congress. Seems like old times at the starting line, and yes, Ted is cheating again. His new electronic toys would make the CIA ooze with envy, hence the moniker CNN, no doubt expressing the idea 'can't name names', at least in a Freudian Way. I was surveilled once before, during a Divorce Proceeding, and took pity on the man one day when I found him parked in a No Parking Zone outside my coop, camera in hand, and risking a $75 Fine, which I gleefully warned him about, face to face, as he himself was having a potty moment. Did they not know that some Altar Boys would involuntarily grow up to become like Bishop Ansgar? And to think all of this could have been avoided had President Bush only realized what it meant to have Pope John Paul II wagging his finger at 'ideas of war', but being NOT Catholic, the idea was too easy to dismiss. Of course, we all knew it right away. "Oh Ye of little Faith". When will you learn? There is a surveillance skill known only to the Holy Spirit himself ... it's called 'foresight'. And to think that Fitzie himself has it, is a great day for me. A Cop with a nose for 'what's right' and not 'who's right'.
Did you see Jen is wearing a tie today? I think that's still required for boreders like us, no? Had she really known, she'd be wearing a bow tie.
This numbered candidate business recalls Governor 9-sorry-Client 9.
Masterly as usual, Mr. Buckley.
Hilarious as usual, even though I still had to run for the dictionary 3 times. Some laughs and some education all at once.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
I learned English here.
Pangloss...
"...just trying to make a living."--a la Tony Soprano.
Another fine salvo, Mr. Buckley. What the hell is wrong with Illinois?
Ah my favorite elitist is back at it again. Nice work!
As always, top notch Buckley material. Never ceases to entertain me!
It's a perfect time to have someone "lighting us the way to bold new procedural avenues of rascal-disposal" because we will need it when the current administration takes its toys and goes home.
You, sir, are funny.
Great post. No need to rush home though, Mr. Buckley. I suspect that the Republicans will keep Blagogate alive for a long while.
yup, Merry Xmas Fox News!! I can't wait to hear the bleeping reporting on this
Major Major and the Chaplain are played by our new hero, Gov. Blagojevich.
//////////
"Major Blago never sees anyone in his office while he's in his office."
"When can I see him?"
"When he's not here."
"Blago had mastered, in a moment of divine intuition, the handy technique of protective rationalization, and he was exhilarated by his discovery. It was miraculous. It was almost no trick at all, he saw, to turn vice into virtue and slander into truth, impotence into abstinence, arrogance into humility, plunder into philanthropy, thievery into honor, blasphemy into wisdom, brutality into patriotism, and sadism into justice. Anybody could do it; it required no brains at all. It merely required no character."
donatello--
Blagojevich is a smarmy,arrogant man who sports icky, Tom DeLay hair and a face with unnerving contours. A look I might classify as "creepy clean-cut." He doesn't deserve a juicy role like Major Major. Joseph Heller wouldn't approve such a casting, would he?
Thank you.
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