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Ave Mariah
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Oh, come let us adore the greatest Christmas song of all time.
If I have to hear the “pa-ra-buh-bum” of “Little Drummer Boy” one more time I’m going to pop an extra Lexapro. And don’t get me started on “Carol of the Bells.” It always makes me feel like someone is about to jump off a roof. And that someone is me.
There is one song, however, I never get sick of this time of year, my ray of light in the wintery soundscape. I’m talking about “All I Want for Christmas is You.” I’m talking about one of the greatest Christmas songs ever. I’m talking about a song written by—written by!—Mariah Carey.
There’s a less frequently played collection of songs on a more taboo fourth topic: wanting to get laid on Christmas. Um…this is my category.
It’s easy for highbrow minded music lovers to overlook Mariah’s genius. After all, geniuses don’t usually put pictures of themselves with a rainbow spray painted across their tits on the covers of their albums. But even if you hate pop music, and Mariah’s in particular, you have to give it up for this song. Even the New Yorker did (and there is no higher highbrow endorsement), referring to “All I Want” in their 2006 profile of Carey as “one of the few worthy modern additions to the holiday canon.”
Musically, what’s most amazing about it is how much it sounded like a classic Christmas song from the get-go. Released in 1994, many people assumed it was a cover. Surely this can’t be a Mariah original? It sounds so incredibly familiar, so nostalgic, from the first chimes to the swell of the Spector-ish wall of sound, all the way to Mariah’s last, pleading “You-ooooooo!” where she takes the song home with one of her patented dolphin-level octaves.
And then there are the lyrics. Most Christmas songs are about one of three things: Jesus, weather, or gifts. But there’s a less frequently played collection of songs on a more taboo fourth topic: wanting to get laid on Christmas. Um…this is my category. And apparently it’s Mariah’s.
Even though she’s got a rep as a bling-loving diva who is rarely seen in public without wearing at least one wardrobe element that once lived and breathed, Mariah herself belts, “I don’t care about the presents” “Santa Claus won’t make me happy” and swears she “won’t even wish for snow,” because her one real wish is to be with her lover.
With all economic indicators looking positively Grinchy at the moment, this is a zeitgeist-appropriate, anti-materialism song. “All I want for Christmas is you/you baby.” Sounds reasonable. The song is yearnful without being mournful; upbeat without being saccharine; and underneath shimmering layers of jingle bells, piano, and chorus, Mariah keeps it deceptively sincere.
My attachment to the song became especially pronounced last Christmas, when I had my first love-at-first-sight experience. He was from out of town, and there were about three weeks from the time we first met to when he would be leaving to go back home. We started spending ridiculous amounts of time together. Brunch would become a movie; a movie would lead to dinner. Afterwards we’d have tea and play Scrabble, and then I’d go home, filled with butterflies. We were just friends, but I was absolutely smitten.
With only a few days till Christmas and his imminent departure, I was overwhelmed by how singularly the sparkling beauty of the city during the holidays seemed to echo how alive I felt. I could think about nothing but him, so in between our rendezvous, I would walk around downtown with my iPod, smelling the fresh pine of the Christmas tree stands, and listening to this song over and over, hoping the magic of Mariah on endless repeat would somehow will him into my arms.
I don’t know if she got what she wanted for Christmas. But I did.
Jessi Klein is a writer and comedian who has frequently appeared on Comedy Central, CNN, VH1, and the Today show. She is currently writing a screenplay for Universal Studios, as well as occasionally drawing animals for her best friend’s letterpress card company. She also likes to think she has value as a human being aside from her numerous credits in the entertainment industry.
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Issywise
I had the honor of seeing Frank Zappa with Phlorescent Leech & Eddie (formerly The Turtles--evidently before they discovered drugs) in concert in about 1970. They stopped a song mid-beat to announce to the audience that Joni Mitchell could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
This was the first time I'd ever heard that now common hillbillyistic insult.
But, my God, what Zappa and his front men didn't know at that time! There would come to pass a Mariah and a Norah--both whose names end with an whisper of breath itself.
Lord protect those of us who once saw Zappa live, for there is a Céline too. And we thought John Denver was irritating.
I should leave the country. Go to Canada maybe......oh crap!
bizeeb
I disagree; Mariahs song is as annoying as any Christmas song ever written, and their all pretty annoying. The worst though has to be 'Grandma got run over by a reindeer'. Jesus I hate that song, and it too became an 'instant classic'.
Noesis
To be fair, I don't think you can really call The New Yorker's music criticism that highbrow anymore. They've gone in a pretty populist direction with Sasha Frere-Jones, who's vaguely in the hipster-popist critical mode, like Kelefa Sanneh, or even Robert Christgau on his good days. I've not heard the song, so I can't comment it. All I'm saying is that The New Yorker giving the thumbs-up to a mainstream pop star isn't really an epochal anomaly anymore; it's come to be more the norm than anything else.
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n--Y--eminneligskillz
Mariah Carey, who knew? This may be the only modern Christmas song I like as well.
tworivers
When I hear "All I Want for Christmas is You", I think of all the military families missing their loved ones. But yeah, lust works too.
astraheight
I would guess most of the people disagreeing with you have never written a song before, let alone a Christmas song. It's not an easy task, let me assure them. I was in high school when this song came out and when it did, like you said, it was a revelation...it sounded like a cover, it had every ingredient a good Christmas tune needs. Kudos to Mariah for writing it and kudos to you Jessi for devoting a blog to it...it's very funny and worthy of the song...
htiduj
its so true..i love this song...
CalexanderJ
Actually Mariah's entire Christmas album is pretty kick @ss. And it's hard to make a kick @ss Christmas album.
RHOmea
kudos to Ms Klein for recognizing in public that all pop music isn't crap. and even in a garbage can, one can sometimes find gold.
Mozart was pop music once too, not that Mariah is Mozart but you get the point.
Mariah for all her diva public persona is just a nice Long Island girl grown up into a megahit - but she still puts her skin tight gold lamé jeans on one leg at a time - even if she has an assistant to help her.
One thing she also possesses is a knack for actually writing her own music but more importantly her real gift - THE VOICE. Anyone who has seen her live knows that she doesn't need a mic shoved down her throat or ear monitors to push out that beautiful sound.
The sin is what she mostly wastes it on but Ms Klein rightly points up the timeless appeal of what has now become a star in the Christmas sky.
to those who love to hate she is an easy target although I never understand why - any more than Americans tendency to envy what others have rather than enjoy and despise them for having it.
too bad for them - we love us some Mariah and don't mind saying so when her gift pours out of the speakers... Merry Christmas and a Happy Chanukah everybody!
RHOmea
p.s.
to the Zappa fan and others who think themselves better than the talents of Norah Jones et al:
having attended every FZ Halloween show ever produced within 100 miles of the Felt Forum and about 25 other FZ shows around the world, I can speak to Zappa's public disdain for almost anything that wasn't classical, or his own, music.
That said, the one target he ALWAYS truly hated was someone who didn't write music who took themselves so seriously they thought they could be a critic. '-)
adubya
First - What's with the random comments all over this? What's with that entire post about Frank Zappa? What are you talking about?
Second - This column is so true, there have been no worthy modern additions to Christmas songs outside of this sole composition, and it's a doozy. The other songs can annoy me, but this one never gets old. Mariah did good here, despite all the crazy she's been infested with in the last few years.
LouGrant
I'm way too cool and way too redneck to like Mariah Carey or this song - but you're right, it's underrated and terrific - thanks for pointing it out - i went to youtube and watched through it a couple of times and it made my day
Siouxie921
I agree - I love Mariah's song, and generally hate Christmas music completely. This song makes me feel good, and that's a tall order during the holiday season.
Issywise
Wait.........Frank Zappa isn't relevant? Of course he isn't: The point is the direction popular culture has taken--in this case, toward sappy plastic emotionalism.
Popular culture has bifurcated into relevancy too obnoxious to imbibe and escapist choking, condensed maple syrup. Zappa was one who help the journey along.
Zappa could sponsor an onstage insult of another performer and have contempt for me for agreeing with him? Sap is sap, regardless of who is noticing it. Is there no objectivity left in musical art?
Now, I guess I'll take my opinionated self off to actually listen to the Mariahhhhhhh song in question. Sure, I' m a hypocrite but somebody wrote this author a check for praising a woman who has caused me many hours of discomfort. I can complain.
Thank you.
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