How to, Uh, Talk to People

Lars Borges/Getty From bantering at parties to escaping blowhards, Catherine Blyth, author of The Art of Conversation, has foolproof techniques for surviving the holiday chitchat marathon.

Silent night, awkward night. Why are so many holiday conversations so fraught? And boring. And shallow. Maybe because you’re going about it all wrong. Fortunately, Catherine Blyth, author of the forthcoming The Art of Conversation (Gotham), has some big ideas for making small talk that jingles rather than jangles the nerves.

So here’s a scenario: say I’ve just been laid off from my impressive job as an investment banker and now I’m working at T.G.I. Friday’s. Obviously, I don’t want to talk about this. How can I (a) prevent the topic from coming up, and (b) tactfully move it aside if it does?

Platitudes and clichés are a brilliant way to neutralize a line of discussion. When people say things like, “No use crying over spilled milk,” they seem to be expressing sympathy, but they’re also shutting down that line of discussion. By saying something anodyne – “Yes, these are rough times” – you’re giving them nothing to build on. Something very generic and bland sends a polite message: Don’t go there.

“Be pretty nosy about something that doesn’t matter a great deal.”

The holidays also often mean being stuck in social situations with certain family members you share tension with. Any tips?

Pretend you’ve just met them for the first time. There is a mask that stands between you and that person, which is based on your memories and presumptions. Just assume you don’t know them at all and start from scratch. On the most mercenary level, you can find an incentive for talking to them because they’re bound to know something that would be of use to you.

Okay, my Uncle Freddie is inevitably going to drink too much and start defending George Bush. I know I can’t change his mind, but how can I win the argument on conversational points?

He sounds like a demolition ball. In that case, you want to give him his airtime. It depends how aggressive he’s being – does he literally attack you? “You lily-livered liberal, blah, blah, blah”?

No, he doesn’t make it personal.

So he’s not a nasty guy, this is just a drum he likes to bang. He’s obviously having fun with the idea that he’s outraging you. So don’t seem outraged. It’s like toddler training, isn’t it? Don’t reward the behavior, and he’ll probably tire of it. The worst thing you could do is get really affronted so that you’re just back and forth, bish-bash bish-bash.

How about holiday parties? Any golden rules for talking with coworkers outside the workplace?

I think it’s good to avoid talking about work because that’s the default topic, and it’s so boring, isn’t it? Avoid talking to your boss altogether, but if you are forced to, assume they’re really shy. My personal mechanism might be to be pretty nosy about something that doesn’t matter a great deal. A lot of small talk stuff applies.