How to, Uh, Talk to People

Speaking of small talk, let’s talk about New Year’s parties. Say I’m going to one where I won’t know anyone but the host. I enter alone, this roomful of strangers turns to look at me, and I’m a deer in the headlights. What should I do?

Look as if you’re happy to be there. People always take it personally if you look cross or nervous or strange. Plaster that optimistic look on yourself. Someone told me that by far the strongest impression we form about what someone is telling us is based on how they look and how they sound—very little of the judgment is based on the actual content. So just think: It doesn’t matter what I say, I’m just happy to be here. Find your host, and if you can’t find your host, find the food and drink—that’s where groups form and re-form. If you’re at somebody’s home, offer to help serve food and drink, and you’ve already got your icebreaker.

One of the biggest party conundrums is how to infiltrate a group of strangers that’s in mid-conversation. What’s the secret?

If they’re in the flow, the last thing you want to do is nuke the momentum. Position yourself by the group, and meet someone’s eye and smile. Don’t assume they all know each other—they’re probably a bunch of strangers too. There will be a natural break in the conversation, when people are laughing or something, so watch for the break and surf in.

How about gracefully exiting a boring conversation?

I think it’s good to say, “I wish I could talk to you longer but I must go and see so and so.” “Anyway” is always a good turnstile word. “Anyway! Well, okay then!” I never think you should say, “I need to go to the loo.” I hate that. “Nature calls!” I just think that’s unnecessary. But you want to give them that sense of the satisfied customer. “What fun to have seen you again! I wish I could have talked to you longer.” Put the encounter in the past tense. “It’s been great talking to you.”

And just so we’re not being presumptuous, how can I prevent myself from being the bore at the party?

The most important thing is to watch the other person’s face to see if they’re not engaged. Don’t talk longer than three minutes. Notice whether your glass is full and theirs is empty. When you can’t remember why you began saying something, it’s a good sign they won’t remember either. And always keep things relevant—the secret of good conversation is that all people can pitch in. If the other person isn’t pitching in, you’ve lost them. You’re not making it relevant to them. Beware generalizations. And don’t hog the airtime. Whether it’s a stranger on the street or the person you talk to all night and end up spending the rest of your life with, every single conversation is a little relationship.

Will Doig is the Features Editor at The Daily Beast. He has written for New York, The Advocate, Out, Black Book and Highlights for Children.