Blogs and Stories
The Brotherhood of Money
Steven Hunt / Getty
Men like Bernie Madoff understand wealth. They understand power. And they prefer to keep women away from both.
The first I heard of Bernie Madoff or the hedge funds involved (including my brother’s) was via a voicemail I received early on the Saturday morning when the news broke. It was from someone to whom I owed an article who is particularly caught up in the web of news and gossip that consumes Manhattan’s chattering classes—factoid leading into rumor leading into informed guesswork until the original tributary is lost. He was checking in to see whether I was okay under the circumstances (meaning, I suppose, whether my own finances had taken a beating) and, more importantly, whether I would be able to deliver the piece as scheduled. I listened to his message—his voice had that mixture of solicitousness and brazen curiosity that misadventures with money always provoke, as though one were inquiring into a particularly grisly death—and imagined myself rising, phoenix-like, over a decimated landscape, continuing to tap out under-remunerated sentences as tycoons tumbled and long-standing relationships based on clubbish alliances went into free-fall.
Does anyone—men, women, gurus, tycoons, Paulson, Perelman—really understand what goes into making billions of dollars, much less losing it all in one fell swoop?
As a daughter, I was raised to know nothing about money. Whenever I tried to ask my father a question on the subject he would respond, "Nu, Daphne? Since when the interest in business?" and shoo me away. My father appeared to share financial information with my mother on a need-to-know basis, and she in turn became the keeper of the trust, someone sworn to confidentiality. The few times I tried to make inroads into this sealed-off territory I was met with resistance or accusations about my underlying motives. My closest exposure to the world of men and money was at the Jewish charity dinners I would sometimes attend as my father’s escort when my mother didn’t feel like going. At these functions, the men who mattered would often sit on a raised dais while the women sat at round tables below, wearing competitive jewelry and trading off-the-Beltway news about recent divorces and children who had grown up and moved away to far-off lands like California and Massachusetts. I felt like a permanent outsider within the community: insufficiently dazzling, overly probing, a kind of eternal Jamesian Maisie looking in on the heart of communal life and trying to determine where the light came in.
Read an excerpt from Daphne Merkin’s novel, Enchantment, on the Brotherhood of Money.
As an adult my prowess with money extends to haggling over fees for my writing and not much more. Perhaps because I don't understand any form of finance other than the hallucinatory machinery of credit cards and the hard reality of cash, I believe in the power of liquidity. Left to my own irrational devices, I would keep wads of cash under a mattress, like a wily peasant out of a Russian novel. What I see in the culture around me is that money is simultaneously idolized and demonized, in the manner of an unreliable lover who might one day deliver on his promises—or not.
Although we watch the behavior of the super-rich with goggle-eyed fascination, bad feeling toward them lurks in the wings. It is always in good form, that is, to make demeaning remarks about people who accumulate great wealth, even if one happens to move in such company oneself. The meaning of money—its importance to something as fundamental as survival and as abstract as status—makes it a superlative, a kind of metaphor of metaphors. It would be helpful to parse out its significance if only to de-Kryptonite it, but long experience has proven to me that shrinks, who you might think would provide insight into its fogged-over core, are no better than the rest of us at dealing with something so totemic and all-encompassing. It turns out that they themselves don't really know how they feel about money other than coveting elaborate vacations and weekend houses in line with their patients' lives or what they imagine to be—which requires that they charge inflationary prices for each ticking minute of listening time.
A few nights ago I had dinner with a smart, psychologically-minded friend, preceded by a flurry of emails about restaurants and prices. Although a slightly less or more costly entrée would have caused neither of us real hardship, these negotiations were something we felt obliged to have, perhaps to prove to ourselves that we were nothing like those dubious hedge-fund wives who, according to the New York Times, have started asking for their Hermès purchases to be put in unlabeled shopping bags in a show of superficial camaraderie with these stark economic times. During our conversation, my friend told me that she has never admitted, either as a child or an adult, to growing up in a gilt-edged suburb of Manhattan. Although she is the mother of children in their thirties, she also said she doesn't know how much money her mother has invested for her. I admitted to similar lacunae in my awareness, how I have enormous difficulty to this day going against my training as a female not to ask, how at some point along the way I equated ignorance with financial bliss—or something close to it. If I didn't ask, or so went my misbegotten, childlike reasoning, I would be taken care of forever by a magical bank account that flourished precisely because I didn't keep an eye on it.
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Paul Schrodt is a writer living in New York City. He has contributed to New York magazine, Radar, and Esquire.com.
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As vice chairman of Public Strategies and president of Maverick Media, Mark McKinnon has helped meet strategic challenges for candidates, corporations and causes, including George W. Bush, John McCain, Governor Ann Richards, Charlie Wilson, Lance Armstrong, and Bono. McKinnon is co-chair of Arts & Labs, a collaboration between technology and creative communities that have embraced today's rich Internet environment to deliver innovative and creative digital products to consumers.
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Daphne Merkin was a staff writer for The New Yorker and is currently a contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine and Elle. She is the author of a novel, Enchantment, and a collection of essays, Dreaming of Hitler.
Sex Scandal for the History Books
Daphne Merkin was a staff writer for The New Yorker and is currently a contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine and Elle. She is the author of a novel, Enchantment, and a collection of essays, Dreaming of Hitler.
Bright Nights, Shady City
Daphne Merkin was a staff writer for The New Yorker and is currently a contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine and Elle. She is the author of a novel, Enchantment, and a collection of essays, Dreaming of Hitler.
MichaelONeill
Perhaps a nod in the direction of those millions of women who live in today's world of s'choira and are struggling every day to figure out how to make the mortgage payment or the rent?
darcey
"Are the deals and negotiations that swirl around (money) too dirty for the gentler sex-or too potentially empowering?"
You are right on both accounts. Let's leave aside the obviously unevolved notion of wanting to keep women disempowered, as that's a lost cause and considered ancient history by anyone under 35.
As a 46 year old female business owner, I can understand anyone - man or woman - not wanting to share/burden their partner with the mental roller-coaster of anxiety that financial ups and downs frequently produce at, say, 4am. I can also appreciate wanting to separate work from the comfort of home and conjugal relations, if only to retain one's sanity.
The deeper issues are control and respect. If you are self-employed, or just the main bread-winner with a desk job, finances are considered your job, after all, you work with facts and figures all day long, right? So finances are bound up in your identity and role within the relationship. Having a spouse question your financial decisions can undermine your self-confidence and identity, as surely as would questioning his/her decisions on which which car mechanic to use, disciplining the children, choosing their schools/caretakers, nutrition, etc. No self-confidence, no libido. Who wants that?
I guess the only answer is to push past that fear of losing control and share everything: financial information and all things domestic. That requires equal pay and access for women, and equal child-care and domestic duties for men. Only then can we fully appreciate each other's struggles and avoid undermining each other with lalf-assed questions. Until men are willing to join women in that goal, there will be no lasting peace.
finderj
Nice story.
The 'ladies don't need to know about money' thing isn't restricted to East coast intelligensia or Zpersons of Jewish descent. As the daughter of farmers with strong Southern roots, I too was raised that money wasn't for 'us womenfolk'. Yet some of the cleverst financial minds I know are women, and several of the people who early sounded alarms about this current tsumani of red ink are women. I think that it is about social attitudes about women and power, and about money in general. Having no offical heriditary ruling class in this country, we substituted those with money. Money isn't about 'stuff' - money is, and has always been, about power. And there is something about powerful women that disconcerts society. We seem to be of two minds about them - love 'em, hate 'em - and your article reflects some of that thinking. Be interesting, don't you think, to see what, if any, changes come of dealing with this financial melt-down.
Concordian
Knowledge is power, so keeping women ignorant about finances keeps them out of power. Whenever someone is secretive about a deal, it's because the terms are favorable to them. If someone isn't open about a fiancial matter, you can be certain you're getting a raw deal.
kansasrefugee
darcey-
Nice post. I am in complete agreement with you. I am a 43-year old female lawyer, self-employed (former partner in a large regional firm), and my worries about money, which I've never ignored, keep my from having any interest in a man who cannot handle the difficult emotional territory of discussing it with me as an equal who has needs and abilities similar to his (if not exactly the same). As a result, because I can't seem to find these men, I am single well into my 40s and will probably be childless.
I do not understand the blind trust that so many women place in men regarding money/being provided for, and I have some resentment for women who do not watch out for themselves in this respect (it's made it harder for me to find a mate because I want to discuss this difficult territory with men, and they can avoid this with many women, and it's made it harder for me to succeed in the workplace because so many men I am compared against are subsidized by women in their careers).
Nonetheless, when women close to me go through divorces and are left without adequate means, or if when they've sabotage their careers through years of avoiding the workplace and subsidizing their husband's careers, I still try to help them get on their feet again and reenter the workplace. My patience is ebbing though.
Books I'd recommend that address this lacuna in women behaving in adult fashion toward money and the psychological damage (as well as material damage) this does to them:
Women & Money, by Suze Orman
The Gaslight Effect, by Dr. Robin Stern
I suspect this failing of women comes from (a) fantasies women have that are nurtured through childhood stories like Cinderella, (b) the ancient need we have to be protected from physical harm and to be provided for during pregnancy and when caring for very small children, and (c) horrendous fathering, where men do not take responsibility for helping their daughters understand the world of work and commerce and supporting their success in that (which brings us back to your point about 50/50 balance in childrearing between mothers/fathers being the key to getting us out of this mess).
ScottRose
On the other hand, I published a profile of the megayacht My Iris, owned by a financially powerful woman.
I would say that if you want totally to eradicate sexism in the business world, you have to first eliminate the symbols of it outside of the business world.
A Richard Dawkins sort myself, rolling my eyes that I still have to think about religion in society at all, I don't get why religious Jews persist with having men but not women wear yarmulkes. If that isn't as bad as Muslim men stoning a woman to death after she is raped, it is still backwards, backwards, backwards, and too close for comfort to the club 'em over the head and drag 'em back to the cave lifestyle. Significantly, it isn't as though the cavemen had any sense that other's belongings weren't theirs for the taking.
Ecrasez l'infame!
paintingtasters
Let your pirate flag unfurl!!
This is the game. Money, power and sex; take as much as you can until somebody stops you!
http://www.thesixtyone.com/paintingtasters/
I can't believe how backward and messed up we are in America. It's still one big game of "I've got a secret" played by (mostly) old, white men.
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n--Y--LordVaderCooper10
This post seems to speak to an older generation. As a 20 year -old I am completely aware of my financial situation, my parents financial situation and furthermore share financial information and responsibilities with my partner.
SarahEgan
Merkin should get out more - It was a classic con and there was nothing particularly rich or Jewish about it. Take a look at what Whitey Bulger pulled off in South Boston.
He was seen as "one of South Boston's own". Like Madoff, he came from an insular world, like Madoff, he offered the promise of protection. "What is rich except another word for safe." - someone who deserves credit said. A Madoff and Bulger connection bestowed status in their respective worlds. Like Madoff, Bulger seemed golden with the consistent ability to deliver. The SEC may not have been in bed with Madoff but like the FBI, they did nothing to stop him. Like Madoff, Bulger was romantically attached to the fight for freedom in another country - Ireland - Israel - both fighting the "good fight". Unlike Madoff, Bulger killed his own- young, poor kids - male and female - whose only currency was their lives. Ultimately, Bulger was stopped by a judge, who said "name your sources" and here is where it gets different _ when it ended, no one was worried about what the neighbors thought. They knew they didn't care.
Bliss888
love to hear more
NMAMIEL
When the Madoff story broke and your brother and the hedge fund he founded were prominently mentioned as major investors with Madoff, I wondered when and if you would write about the subject. Thank you for disclosing your family connection in the very first paragraph.
newhowl
Wow.... this article is hilarious. Congratulations on being a self-aware spoiled brat, instead of simply a spoiled brat who isn't quite as self-aware. I feel like this article is pretending to be feminist, while in fact the main issue the author has dealt with is being unhappy with her own appearance, achievements and the low opinion people have had of her over the years. How convenient that this is all about the fact that she's a woman, and not many other reasons people have been ignoring or looking down on her her whole life. In childhood, this could have been because of her character, which odviously doesn't tilt to the "happy" or "charming" side of life. In adulthood, maybe people didn't bother talking to you about money because they simply thought you weren't that smart. There are plenty of women who deal with money, snookums. They would be the women who went out and got jobs that require them to work in an office, as part as a team, instead of stumbling out of bed at 11 in the morning and typing out angry missives about how the world just isn't giving you your due. Your trust fund may someday run out, but boy, it sure sounds like your sense of being wronged will last you your whole life. I don't understand why the women sitting in the charity tables in their expensive jewelry are painted as victims.... don't they have at least a passing influence on their situation? Haven't their own decisions lead them to the situation where they've decided to stay home, raise children, and then "retire" to a life of 2:00 lunches once their children hit 16, all while their husbands bring home checks and their fathers maintain their various inheritances? Like the sad, misguided woman who wrote this article, these women are far from oppressed. If you want to see oppressed, inquire about their maids.
Wayfarin
this article is very accurate but very outdated. my mother and father were both fully aware of their financial situation and made key decisions together. many mothers are more involved with the daily finances than their husbands, as is the case with single mothers (obviously). i would agree that young women are denied any serious education regarding money, but so too are boys. high school economics continues to be marco-centric.
anyway, some women i talk to consider the notion of wealth and business still, in some sense, inherantly evil. women lean toward the left disproportionately, and therefore may be more suspicious of wealth than most. just a theory though.
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n--Y--stevedenverThank you.
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