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I Sold My Stocks Before the Recession Because of Frozen Yogurt
I’m operating on a new “model” now, anchored in the belief that cultural displays of “old economy” criminality will precede the recovery.
I stopped putting new money in the stock market about a year and a half ago. I based my decision on frozen yogurt. In late 2006, three kids idled behind the yogurt counter in a shopping mall outside of Washington, D.C., not one of them moving an inch to serve me until I demanded attention. Shooting me dagger eyes, one Amber/Brittany/Ashlee eventually got me a cup of low-fat chocolate.
From the yogurt place, I went to a footwear store to buy new running shoes. The adolescents working there were as irritated by the prospect of assisting me as the yogurt Valkyries had been.
A mobster told me during the dotcom bubble, “I don’t get what they’re stealing anymore.”
Worse than my personal frustration were the broader implications of my misadventure: A generation had gone to work that day expecting to do nothing. These “workers” nevertheless expected to be compensated for doing nothing much like America’s Patron Saint of Sloth, Seinfeld’s George Costanza, whose avoidance of work was positively industrious.
Around this time, I read about a Wall Street figure who had earned several billion dollars by shorting subprime mortgage securities. Clever? Sure, but how can our economy be sustained, let alone grow, by placing big bets on its destruction, I wondered?
I don’t believe that everyone who is suffering in this economy brought this mess on themselves anymore than I blame myself for my own emaciated 401(k). I do believe, however, that much of our misery is tied to the ethereal nature of what American commerce has become, namely enterprises that don’t make sense, can’t withstand scrutiny, don’t follow through, and are propped up by the insidious device of making anyone who doesn’t “get” the financial instruments at work feel like a cretin.
If frozen yogurt was the omen I used to call the recession, I’m operating on a new “model” now, anchored in the belief that cultural displays of “old economy” criminality will precede the recovery. I see a few promising signs. One is the 2008 film, The Bank Job, where guns and jackhammers are used to pull off an old-fashioned break-in to a London bank—not one of these bloodless heists featuring hyperkinetic slackers wearing headsets, clacking away on a laptop as the screen blinks “Transferring” until the “money” pings in an overseas account. Suspense, it ain’t: Give me cash, diamonds or blackmail pics in a duffle bag any day.
The second horseman of the recovery is Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, whose craven pitch for President-elect Obama’s Senate seat is manifestly easy for the consumer public to understand. Whether he’s legally guilty or not, Blago’s knuckle-dragging is refreshing corruption crooks everywhere can believe in.
A mobster in the Witness Protection Program I interviewed while I was working on a crime novel told me during the height of the dotcom bubble that he could never return to his old life as a thief because, he said, “I don’t get what they’re stealing anymore.”
We agreed that the contract attendant to his brand of thievery was perversely transparent, each party knowing what was expected of the other: If you surrender your truckload of TVs, we will fulfill our obligation not to kill you. This led to efficient marketplace transactions—and minimal bloodshed—because everybody knew where they stood.
Before Americans can climb out of our financial quagmire, this crime writer believes that our thieves will need to experience a surge of confidence that there will be something to steal.
In the meantime, I’ll wait for my frozen yogurt and the bull market.
Forget Consumer Confidence: America’s Thieves Need to Believe in Our Recovery.
Eric Dezenhall co-founded the high-stakes communications firm Dezenhall Resources, Ltd., and serves as its CEO. Eric's first book, Nail 'em!: Confronting High-Profile Attacks on Celebrities and Business, pioneered techniques for understanding and defusing crises.









'A generation had gone to work that day expecting to do nothing."
These are minimum wage workers or maybe a little above. No way can they live on what they make. Let's put it this way - you get the workers you pay for.
How do corporations expect people to buy their products, if they pay diddlysquat?
As someone who used to work a minimum-wage job, allow me to point out that the teenyboppers behind the counter were likely still in high school. Which is to say, the income they're earning isn't designed to support them or a family. It's designed to buy them CDs and new clothes.
I am sick of people thinking that simply because they work for a low wage, this entitles them to not work at all. Yes, Starbucks only pays $8 an hour. Guess what? That's a couple hundred dollars a month, plus tips, all for doing the back-breaking labor of making a latte for eight-hour shifts, three days a week. I know. I did it.
You should NOT earn money for showing up. Ever. Ever ever.
That said, I am all for there being jobs that pay workers more for their labor. I just request that they be paid what they're worth. Sarcastic teenage counter help isn't worth diddly. And that is what they should be paid.
fascinating.....i too have experienced the service-workers-lolling-around phenom. yes, most of them are young. that's called, low-paying entry-level service jobs, which is the honorable way to get walking-around money when you are a kid or lacking in education or skills enough to get something better (honorable, as opposed to, mooching money on the street, which i also see an appalling number of middle-class teenagers and young adults doing, another toxic sign of the times). i have worked plenty of these jobs. and let's face it, you stand around yammering and giggling with your co-workers every chance you get-----when there are no customers, that is. when it is a sign of a greater sickness and dysfunction is the situation the columnist described, and in the last couple of years i have been dumbfounded to encounter it over and over again. the place is empty. there are more than one employee posted at the counter. they are doing nothing. they see you and know you are there. but you have to demand that one of them wait on you. i hadn't made a connection between this phenom and a larger pathology in the economic equation of the employment market and thus the economy, (my own meta-theory was more sociological), but i think the writer here is on to something....
I'd like to point out the bad-management component of slacker teen workers.
Why aren't the teens, who need to learn how to work, being mixed with experienced and motivated workers who will show them what they ought to be doing?
My first fast-food job, when I was a teen, I was part of a shift that included a very hard-working mother of three who lived out of her car (a Pacer, if you can remember those). She had never finished high school, but she worked harder than anyone I had ever met before.
So I learned from her, and believe you me, I finished high school and college, and still carry the horrifying memory of her house/car in my mind.
That was life for a minimum-wage worker in 1982. I don't think prospects have improved.
I think some managers get it. At a McDonalds earlier today I saw a manger ask at least 4 times for something from someone who had earphones from an Ipod in his ears. Why should he get to listen to the newest song while he works? Since when is that sensible for a job that involves having conversations with those around us. No one ever got away with this with Sony Walkmen. The manager I witnessed told the young man to remove the earphones while he was working. Hopefully this young man wasn't driving home in the same manner; he'd never hear an ambulance!
I manage a large staff of teen aged loafers and am working VERY, VERY hard to undo the damage that Barney did by telling these kids that they were "special" simply by virtue of their birth. When they whine at me that they are not having fun at work, I reply, "Fun is something you pay for, Work is something you get paid for."
I have experienced the same thing.
I have also experienced worse, cause I technically was hired as a higher skilled worker, and worked among people who were working for minimum wage, and I made that time a little bit more than they did. I was targeted all the time, especially when it was found out I made 10cents more than the manager did upstairs, who was really the head clerk.
I also had more freedom than the people upstairs, I could listen to what I wanted to, because I wasn't serving customers, directly.
I have always wondered about the shorting, I think it is really dangerous. It gives us the short end of the stick too, doesn't it?
I meant I made 10cents more AN HOUR than the manager did upstairs, who was really the head clerk, and of course had to spend more time on her hair.
You know what really scares me, it is not who sells me shoes, or who serves me a treat, I usually go to self serve places now to fulfill those needs, but who handles my personal information. It just amazes how little respect people can have for privacy and related matters.
For example one of the tellers, I think off the cuff, said to me, I am sure people in line could have heard her comment though, I would sure like your account balance, then I said, I would have your car. I decided then, to transfer that money into a GIC in another currency, cause I wondered how easy it would be for someone to take it if there was no real paper trail. Then I gained on the translation, and one of them said, it must be nice to get free money, as if the risk had nothing to do with it.
It is the same in the walk in clinic, I noticed on some printout they had, written sort of like this "a reminder that medical information can only be shared under a court order" who knows what brought that memo on, I would not want to venture a guess.
I think the economy and related failings is about people, not just about numbers.
Thank you.
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