Funny. Men and women should be treated as equals...as long as it's convenient.

"This might be slightly less humiliating if I didn't have an Ivy League degree. Then it's off to Job #2, trying to teach Writing & Rhetoric to apathetic college freshmen at a diploma mill some call a university."

Another arrogant, entitled beeyotch. This is almost as pathetic as the Bag Lady Papers. Please stop posting blogs from these cretins.

My son graduated from FIU, thank you for referring to it as a diploma mill some call a university, and yet you are attending that very same university gratis. I am sure you are an inspiration to those students. Go figure.

Why don't you just steal someone's nice, fat wallet and have sex with it, its obvious you neither want nor deserve a man.

Makes me wonder if this is how Sugar Daddy feels. (Remember the "college student" with the sugar daddy? The OTHER entitled woman? No, not Ms. Penney. The OTHER one. Yeah, her)

Hey, you'd still be working two jobs whether he's employed or not, right? And you don't sound mature enough for marriage anyway.

Tell the man to get a job or cut the poor bastard loose.

welcome to the new real world, esther. it ain't pretty and you may very well find your love is conditional. this situation isn't what you bargained for, yet this situation is going to be played out in relationships across the country by the thousands, if not more.

as i observe the landscape, it seems to be common that the women are the ones who do what it takes to make ends meet for their families, while their men are off in la-la-land. made the trip there myself.

once you dump the BF, he may or may not get his act together. your situation may or not improve in a new relationship. the only thing that is certain is you'll have a new perspective that takes in the harsh reality of this new economic world where being able to afford the premium channels of cable may be a big (make that very) big deal.

I am sorry I can't fully express how horrible you come across in this blog.

"My boyfriend's layoff has stirred up scary notions about love- that it really might be conditional and that the conditions are not always pretty."

Guess what Honey, then its not love... It sounds like you are describing a classic transaction - quid pro quo - affection in exchange for a meal ticket. Now that the meal ticket is a real man who has an inconvenient need for real support you want out.

You have used this poor man for free rent for a year and expenses.

That makes you a shallow materialistic a whore.

I might live on another planet, but Esther took the words right out of my head. My husband is unemployed for the first time since he was a teenager, and the only difference between Esther's man and mine is that mine is irritated by his situation. I think it's the feeling of not having any options--of being so dependent on my income that if I were really, really unhappy in my job I would have no recourse. No quitting, no working as a waitress so I have time to write (whose medical benefits would we use?), no speaking truth to power in case I should jeopardize my employment...

Thank you, Esther, for this.

Break up with him, don't break up with him. Talk to him about this, don't talk to him about it (and instead write about it on the Internet for all to see).

In any case, why do we care?

I wanted to write to offer you some support. I had a 16-year-marriage that went through many changes. I'm also probably quite a bit older than you.


I thought it was brave to blog this--it's honest. The changes in status between you and your boyfriend will be a real test. My job has been phased out, too. I've been through this situation before, so I know what to expect. During such times, my family and especially my working-mom friends come to resent me. And I'm not to going to fuss---when I've been working crappy jobs (and especially the office bitch which really sucks) I get envious of them. How dare they be out at the park with their kids at 2 pm while us real workers are in here listening to our bosses yell while we answer three lines and write a letter.

One good thing about your boyfriend is that he is full of ideas and staying busy writing (and hopefully not "all work and no play makes jack a dull boy"). Hang on to this phase. The next might not be so pretty. Some guys left alone all day start playing endless games of solitaire or getting a little over-involved with porn. Then there's depression. That will come when many of his ideas (sadly) don't work out. Then he will resent YOU. And how he handles that will be important.

I would strongly suggest some light couples-counseling. Just looking around to get a good fit of the right therapist. One couple I know who have been married thirty years (happily) go for regular "tune-ups". But I would lay the groundwork now on this.

If these feeling persist--especially when the other person can't change the circumstances--things will be a mess by the time you think about therapy. There will have been too much resentment, too much anger, too many arguments and little hurts.

I hope it works out. He does sound like a good guy. And you sound like you're doing the right thing using this time to further your degree. Another really good thing is that you aren't financially dependent on him and his good will. If you have children it is easy to fall in that trap. I did.

Good luck
Karen

To add insult to injury, your boyfriend is probably having some really hot sex with a neighbor...while you are off earning minimum wage and lamenting your life.

As a student and struggling writer, I love this piece. Esther takes me right into her world and confronts her raw feelings about her relationship, her jobs and her life in general. I found it really engaging and affecting.

I'm shocked at and annoyed by people who assume that just because a person went to Columbia, she has an entitlement complex. What part of working two jobs on top of being a full-time student (with the tens of thousands of dollars in loans that entials) equals "arrogant, entitled beeyotch"???

As a student and struggling writer, I love this piece. Esther takes me right into her world and confronts her raw feelings about her relationship, her jobs and her life in general. I found it really engaging and affecting.

I'm shocked at and annoyed by people who assume that just because a person went to Columbia, she has an entitlement complex. What part of working two jobs on top of being a full-time student (with the tens of thousands of dollars in loans that entials) equals "arrogant, entitled beeyotch"???

Your story is very real and very touching.

It takes an act of courage to be as honest with yourself as you are being, seeing the many sides of your situation while staying present to it's reality.

It sounds like this is quite a struggle for you, and I wish you the best through it.

You are the writer in this relationship? So what have you had published? If nothing by the age of 31, sorry, he has as much claim to the role as you do. And he sounds like a nicer person on top of it. I doubt he'd be tearing you apart to his friends.

So...how does one cancel one's Daily Beast subscription?

Because if I have to read another one of these, I might need to buy a new computer monitor by the time I'm done.

Between this one and the "Sugar Daddy" beotch, Tina Brown's got quite the dingbat monopoly in place here.

Esther, I loved your article. Don't pay attention to the haters out there. I'd love to see their reaction if THEIR table was turned.

Human love has always been conditional. Perhaps the closest thing to unconditional love is the love of a parent (an emotionally healthy one ) for their child. Most women want security from a man. Women want some form of care taking - emotional, financial or just jar-opening/bug killing. Most men also love with big conditions attached. Take away something they treasure about a woman like her youth (How many men divorce their older spouses?) or her appearance (How many men would dump a 230 lb spouse?) or her cheerfulness (How many men leave their depressed mates?) and the superficial becomes critical. I dare man or woman to truthfully say otherwise. To criticize Ms. Martinez is to be deluded about the nature of human love.

She is bold and honest. I can appreciate her thoughts and empathize with what she's feeling. I completely get her.

What I don't understand is the hate mail from those who seem quick to judge, focusing on certain quotes and apparently lacking the capacity of grasping the writer's sincere point of love during a layoff. I wonder if the haters comment because they aren't fearless enough to let their true feelings all hang out or if it's because their poops don't stink.

I imagine it's not easy for someone to share with the public their deepest thoughts and feelings, especially when it's in regards to their goals, dreams and significant others.

The financial struggle must be extremely burdening. The compensation of her admin and grading paper job probably can't compete with his Media Celeb MD wages.

It must be frightening to think that your laid off boyfriend is cruising through his severance pay while hoping to make something happen with his newly found creative juices.

It is only human nature to feel envious that the person you have been living with for a while now owns the dream you have while you are off slaving away and going to school.

It is only realistic to help feel a bit of bitterness knowing you hold an Ivy League degree while running errands for your boss's bratty kids. Generally people don't go to Columbia to learn how to gift wrap.

It must be sad to think that your wishes of having a house and kids at the age of 31 now need to be put on the back burner, knowing that pretty soon you'll hear the tick tock of your biological clock, all because your significant others plan A and B now have gone down the drain.

Let's be real. She doesn't love him any less. She just wants him to get a job, provide stability. That's not being a biotch...it's just being an honest being.

I'm in a similar situation with my long term boyfriend . I also hate my job and I would like some help with the rent and the groceries. What stops the resentment is that I see how hard he works every day to get new clients and create opportunities for himself. Several have panned out, but not enough to do much more than pay for his phone.

I'd speculate that for Ms. Martinez, part of the issue is seeing how her boyfriend is dealing with his crisis - that really is an insight into what a person is made of. My guy is dealing with it by working harder than he ever has, building his skill set, and networking like hell.

Hang in there, Esther. A lot more couples are going to find themselves in this same situation and the question they're all going to face is do I love this person? Do I genuinely want to spend my life with this person? Or am I just comfortable?

OK, that's 3 questions. Whatever. You get the point.

Cry me a river! An MFA! Please. Unless you have a serious back up plan, like marriage to a doctor or you are ready to hustle, I mean really hustle your way into a writing career, the only thing your diploma will get you is elected president of the PTA, provided you married the doctor.
Working in real estate, in Miami no less, you are fortunate to still have a job. Just a few miles down the road, I have an Masters from an actual Ivy League. I work as a teacher, and volunteer with kids in both theater and music, while supporting my laid off husband. It keeps me occupied with thoughts other than my poor self.
O.K. I'll concede, I have an ulcer, but would never, ever consider leaving him.

Geez, why all the hate from some of the posters? It feels like they missed the interesting points of the piece, particularly the irony that unemployment can sometimes be more fulfilling and less restricting than a regular job and that even in these hard times the employed person can envy the unemployed. She is clear that she considers this jealously unworthy of sympathy. But it is an honest feeling and in my experience a common one, which makes exposing it in writing relevant. I've had gaps between jobs twice in my life and both times I definitely experienced bridled resentment from my loving, hard working wife if there was even the whiff that I would use that time for something self-fulfilling. She'd love to find the time to do her great American novel, so the last thing she wants to see me doing is having the time to exercise my creative demons while she can't. She never outright said it and it doesn't make her evil or selfish, just human. I'm glad someone put the thought to pen - I related even from the headline before I read a word of it...

pollyannacowgirl

"Makes me wonder if this is how Sugar Daddy feels. (Remember the "college student" with the sugar daddy? The OTHER entitled woman? No, not Ms. Penney. The OTHER one. Yeah, her)

Hey, you'd still be working two jobs whether he's employed or not, right? And you don't sound mature enough for marriage anyway.

Tell the man to get a job or cut the poor bastard loose."

LOL

RicoSuave

"So...how does one cancel one's Daily Beast subscription?

Because if I have to read another one of these, I might need to buy a new computer monitor by the time I'm done.

Between this one and the "Sugar Daddy" beotch, Tina Brown's got quite the dingbat monopoly in place here"

...and dont forget the "Old Bag Lady Alexandra Penney"
to add to the dingbat pot.

I love this blog......love your honesty...... I am in similar circumstances...........just at a bit lower level........it is funny......funny is pretty important these days

The reality is that financial stress is one of the leading causes of divorce and these are scary and trying times. Ms. Martinez is being real and honest about her feelings. We don't have to agree with her, but we shouldn't make her wear a scarlett letter. Most of us would feel the same way in that situation, but how many of us would have the balls to put it in writing for the world to see?