Blogs and Stories
If the President's BlackBerry Goes Missing
Jae C. Hong/AP
As we plunge into the fiscal abyss, we must focus on the important things—like Oval Office product placement.
Somewhere—heaven, surely—Charlton Heston, former spokesman for the National Rifle Association, is doing 360s.
“I’m still clinging to my BlackBerry,” President-elect Obama has announced. “They’re going to have to pry it out of my hands.”
I wish he’d given it the full NRA mojo and added, “out of my cold, dead fingers,” but that’s his style. Our new president is a calmer, not an exciter. But this business of not letting our leaders go on communicating with the world beyond the Oval Office is problematic. Terrible, in fact.
You’ll recall that our outgoing president—whose name shall not be mentioned—was compelled to give up private email shortly after he took office, on various grounds: his emails might be intercepted, or used against him in a court of law, etc.
The only thing standing between us and Armageddon is—a red BlackBerry.
Doubtless, those gas-pipeline-cutting dastards, the Russians, have an entire division of the FSB (trans: KGB) devoted to compromising the personal communications of U.S. presidents. Doubtless, too, there are entire buildings in Nigeria staffed with people sending messages to our presidents informing them that they have just inherited $62 MILLION DOLLARS U.S. from their great-great-second-uncle Mr. Umbaku Kakabele.
If you thought that the BlackBerry story might prompt serious reflection on the merits of allowing a president to keep an open line to outside people on whom he relies, fuggedit, and file it away under Is This A Great Country Or What?
No, the follow-up story in The Times was on another theme: how much Mr. Obama’s implicit endorsement of his BlackBerry would be worth.
“More than $25 million, marketing experts say, and maybe as much as $50 million.”
It’s good that, as we plunge into the fiscal abyss—I refer to the impending $1.2 trillion deficit—that we’re focused on the important things, like Oval Office product placement. The Times story concludes with a wet dream BlackBerry ad campaign, as visualized by a modern-day Mad Man:
“In the foreground, you have the [Oval Office] desk, but instead of having the proverbial red phone, you have a red BlackBerry.” With the tagline: “Shot Caller.”
It has—finally—come to this: the only thing standing between us and Armageddon is—a red BlackBerry.
As I type, pitch meetings are being held in Hollywood.
Okay, it’s called ‘The President’s BlackBerry Is Missing.’ The daughter takes his by mistake when she’s rushing off to school. And he’s got her BlackBerry, but he doesn’t know it. So when he goes to send the critical message to the Kremlin telling Putin to kiss his black ass, the text message goes to the English teacher at Sidwell Friends School. You with me?
On a more serious note, why—pray?—do we connive at isolating our presidents, by taking away their ability even to keep a journal (might be subpoenaed!), email (see above) and now, their connective tissue to the outside world? Sure, they have access to the media. They can turn on a television or pick up a newspaper, but that’s not the same as being able to receive a message from someone who used to wipe their runny nose, saying, WHAT IN NAME OF ALL THAT’S HOLY R U DOING, INVADING IRAQ, NUMBSKULL!!!???
As E.M. Forster said, “Only connect.” Shouldn’t our president have the advantage of hearing it with the bark off, from people who don’t work for him, and whose judgment he trusts?
For that matter, wasn’t history richer when presidents had tape recorders in the desk? Tell me that you’re happier now that you don’t eventually get to listen in on the really juicy conversations in the Oval? You are? Honestly?
With all due humility, I hereby propose the 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, and urge swift ratification by the states:
The President shall be able to tape conversations, keep a journal, email, and text-message with absolute and total legal impunity. Any persons attempting to contravene this amendment shall be deprived of their BlackBerrys and have their life savings invested with the firm of Bernard Madoff.
Christopher Buckley’s books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. His journalism, satire, and criticism has appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Vanity Fair, Vogue, and Esquire. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and the founder and editor-in-chief of Forbes FYI.
Bringing Down Bachmann
Benjamin Sarlin is a reporter for The Daily Beast. He previously covered New York City politics for The New York Sun and has worked for talkingpointsmemo.com.
America's Hot Jobs (and Not Jobs)
The Daily Beast is dedicated to news and commentary, culture, and entertainment. We carefully curate the web’s most essential stories and bring you original must-reads from our talented contributors.
Nicolas Cage, Compulsive Spender
Jacob Bernstein is a senior reporter at The Daily Beast. Previously, he was a features writer at WWD and W Magazine. He has also written for New York magazine, Paper, and The Huffington Post.
It's Time for Us to Go
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online News Association award in the category of Online Commentary.
A Prize Too Far
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online News Association award in the category of Online Commentary.
Oval Office Confidential
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online News Association award in the category of Online Commentary.
Funny. I think its great that he's being so public about his crackberry addition. I hope he wins, at least a comprmise, and keeps the thing for non national security communications. On a related note, has anyone noticed that Blackberry seems to be on the verge of becoming what Xerox is to copy machines or Kleenex is to tissues? I see people refer to all kinds of PDA phones as Blackberries even when they aren't Not sure if that's good news or bad for the Canadians...
I feel very confident that blackberry would be thrilled to set up a super secure Mr. President only email server for the presidential smartphone. I know in theory anything can be hacked, but RIM runs a pretty technologically tight ship I'm told. Might be okay.
And you know, he can probably get around that whole might be subpeona'd thing by not...doing anything illegal? Is that totally impossible for an elected official? I guess at least the fact that he WANTS to keep his blackberry means he doesn't *intend* to do anything illegal (at least, nothing that's captured by his phone).
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
Let the man keep his blackberry just so Sasha and Malia can call him. And he can get sports scores. And maybe get first alerts on sales and stuff. And (this is big) remain connected with reality.
Gee, did we tell presidents that they couldn't ride around in horseless carrigages in the early 1900's? Do they still use gas lamps in the White House? No, when technology changes and improves, everybody gets to use it. President or not.
Buckley beat me to it. I found a picture on the internet of a pair of hands that looked mixed race (according to an African-American friend who's kids are mixed race) holding a Blackberry. I pasted it into a PowerPoint slide with NRA motto below. But I can't upload files to The Daily Beast. Too bad!
I think that there are security issues here that must be addressed, but good grief! Are they telling us that they can't keep President obama's communications secure? Give me a break! isolating the president behind the yes-men and the political/bureaucratic lifers is not a good idea. Haven't we learned anything?
And Blackberry is not a racist term. It is a berry that really is nearly black, and fairly common in large potrions of the world. It wasn't chosen for racist connotations, but for connotations of taste, like taste buds. It was named, oh, I dunno, maybe hundreds and hundreds of years ago? Some people just hunt for boogies behind every tree.
To be extra sure that Charlton Heston doesn't advocate gun barbarity any more, could we shoot into his grave? Never mind, for a moment, Obama and his Blackberry. Can something be done to subpoena the e-mails and phone messages of Hiram Monserrate to Karla? Get some expert witness testimony going before a grand jury, to see if his messages and the patterns they reveal are characteristic of a domestic violence abuser? Oh off topic, off topic. A glorious new era of American government is dawning, now that we have liberated ourselves from the Republican joke, I mean yoke; and Democrats in the New York State Assembly won't speak out against Monserrate, for fear of losing their majority. Still, it IS funny that they took away Bush's private e-mail to prevent hacking, yet he turned out to be the greatest hack president in history.
(Message sent from my BLACKBERRY. not that I'm trying to show off having one).
The blackberry is a super secure device already, it's used by the military, congress, fire & police departments around the world; let alone corporations.
There is 3 layers of security, that not even RIM is able to decode messages transferring on it's network. Plus if a Blackberry is on a BES (Blackberry Enterprise Server) you can lock down the device quite tightly. Such as: if the password is incorrectly entered N times it will wipe the device. If you enter the password but with the first character as the last, it will send a notice that you are in trouble & alert the administrator. Also if the device is lost, and it's still seen on a carriers network, you can send a wipe command to it.
Plus you can use smartcards w/ passwords if you want as well. It's a lot more secure then most people know...which is why I was so baffled when Bush's aid lost his in Japan or some such.
Whattt ??? Number #6 six again??? How does this happen?
I think I better cut down on the Devil Worshipping at Church. What do you think Buckley?
The PE's George Mason Speech was pretty perfect I thought.
Nice to see the big "O" using a fine Canadian product.
Buckley is dead right in the sense that the American President should not be isolated. You don't need a Constitutional Amendment, you just need a law stating that what the President texts can't be used in a Court.
Bush can work the email?
The G has had secure versions of the BlackBerry for some time, so that's not an issue. Remember the big scare a year or so back when everyone was going to loose service over a law suit? Had DC all in an uproar.
Bigger issue might be how long his thumbs last. I couldn't use one now if I wanted due to arthritis, and he's in his late forties.
"So when he goes to send the critical message to the Kremlin telling Putin to kiss his black ass, the text message goes to the English teacher at Sidwell Friends School. You with me?"
Buckley, I will be laughing over this piece all day long. Thank you. You make this site worth visiting.
really Sir, it's fupin scary how much I agree with you (as yet again, here I do) and how much this screaming liberal has found illumination and belli-up-to-the-bar topic to trade in your wordsmithing! ta.
The original internet was not available to everyone. Why can't they create a separate "internet" for the president and whoever it is he'd need to communicate with via his BB? And anyway, isn't it time technology was funded by the government that would research ways to keep stuff more secure? Why are we supposed to be happy with the way the internet works if it's a "highway" of information full of giant potholes and highway robbers?
this is boring
Dad(760)555-5423
Eric(310)555-4673
Kim(212)555-1547
Mom(760)555-6921
Mr.PRESIDENT OBOMA (202)555-1234
Reggie(314)555-8534
Sally(213)555-7633
Wow. For once I actually agree with Mr. Buckley.
There is, however, a superior product--the iPhone--and everybody who's looked at the BB Storm knows it's going to stay that way for a while.
Ahhh Buck, thanks for moving me. It is much better to be 8,9,10 than 6,7,8, but I was just covering the bases. Huh, and to think all of the talk and action of REFORM should revolve around a 'blackberry' recommended for McCain's use, instead of diving into the Pork Pool. Yes, 25, to 50 Million, from a Democrat no less. It should have been a Republican. At least a Conservative. But it is nice to see that our ideas manifest in the world, regardless of part affiliation. That may be the truest Profile In Courage that allows for that to happen. Or at least a solid Faith in 'something'. Let's see, this post should be #21. Let's see if this needs moving.
Superb as always, Buckley. I love thee.
We've already had presidential disconnect for eight years. Maybe presidential connection will help.
Another rim-banger from a former satirist who admits he voted for someone called "The One," on the basis that the person was well, "such a great writer." (still, we miss you, Mr. Buckley...no doubt, a temporary setback...your groove is out there somewhere waiting to be gotten back)
Thank you.
As a first time user, your comment has been submitted for review. It can take anywhere from a few hours to a day or two for your comment to be reviewed, depending on the time of week and the volume of comments we receive.
Please log in to leave comments.