How I Hid Salman Rushdie During the Fatwa

The case lasted three days in the appeals court. The presiding judge, Tasker Watkins VC, had won his VC (the Victoria Cross – the highest British award for bravery) in action in the Second World War, when he picked up the machine gun of a wounded comrade and proceeded single-handedly to attack a trench of seventeen startled Germans, killing all of them as their laughter at this hotheaded young Welsh fusilier died on their lips. On the second day, he entered court at much the same pace, with a steely glint in his eye. “This court is in receipt of a communication. Let it be handed to counsel.” It was an ill-written threat of vengeance against us all, should the case go against the Prophet. “Well”, he snapped with ill-concealed impatience, “what do counsel suggest we do?” The defense barristers held a whispered conversation at the bar table, reminding ourselves of the police advice against saying anything which might turn us—or the judges—into grade-2 targets. “Nothing, my Lord”, we murmured quietly, “We see no need to draw attention to the matter.”

“No need to draw attention to it!” exploded Watkins VC. “This is a death threat to Her Majesty’s judges and counsel! We shall certainly draw attention to it and say in the strongest terms that it will not be countenanced!” He had, for a moment, a look in his eye probably last seen by seventeen unfortunate German soldiers. The infidel hordes had been warned: let them descend upon the Royal Courts of Justice if they dared.

The case became a forensic jihad against Salman the Apostate. The object of the would-be prosecutors, eighteen Muslim lawyers, was to convince the court that the blasphemy case should go to trial. They were obliged to draft an indictment, and they scoured The Satanic Verses for evidence. They came up with only six charges and we were able to show that every one of them was based either on a misreading of the book or upon theological error. Here, for the record, are the six alleged blasphemies and their disproof:

• God is described in the book as “the Destroyer of Man.” As He is similarly described in the Old Testament and the Book of Revelation, especially men who are unbelievers or enemies of the Jews.

• The book contains criticisms of the Prophet Abraham for his conduct towards Hagar and Ishmael and their son. Abraham deserves criticism and is not seen as without fault in Islamic, Christian, or Jewish traditions.

• Rushdie refers to Mohammed as “Mahoud.” He called him variously “a conjuror,” “a magician,” and “a false prophet.” Rushdie does nothing of the sort. These descriptions come from the mouth of the drunken apostate, a character with whom neither author nor reader has sympathy. “Mahoud” is in fact a name that has been used by Christians for the Prophet.

• The book grossly insults the wives of the Prophet by having whores use their names. This is the point. The wives are expressly said to be chaste, and the adoption of their names by whores in a brothel symbolises the perversion and decadence into which the city had fallen before it surrendered to Islam.

• The book vilifies the close companions of the Prophet, calling them “bums from Persia” and “clowns” whereas the Koran treats them as men of righteousness. These phrases are used by a depraved hack poet, hired to pen propaganda against the Prophet. Christ’s disciples were derided by his enemies as ignorant fishermen, so it can hardly be blasphemous for an author to imagine the Prophet’s followers being subjected to the same kind of criticism.

• The book criticizes the teachings of Islam for containing too many rules and seeking to control every aspect of everyday life. Characters in the book do make such criticisms, but they cannot amount to blasphemy because they do not vilify God or the Prophet.