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God Bless My Nannies
If I had to do it all by myself, I’d go completely postal. My six children have four mothers—and one of them’s a man.
"Six kids? And you work? How do you do it?”
"Well, my oldest is away at college, so there's only five left at home" is how I usually deflect the astonishment from people I meet on the street. "And I have help."
This is where the problem lies. Perhaps it is because hating rich people has become the latest American pastime. Or perhaps it is the tendency of women to judge other women harshly, but people love to hate the fact that I have nannies to help me with my kids. I could pretend to be some sort of self-aggrandized uber-mom who does it all, but the truth is I couldn't possibly get all my kids to places they need to be, well-fed, relatively clean, with homework completed all by myself without going completely postal. I have great respect for my nannies and I know that job they do is very hard, primarily because I do it, too.
Nicole is 6 feet tall and weighs 200 pounds, most of it pure muscle. The word “enforcement” best describes her nanny style.
I once did an interview for Parents.com where I spoke about how I juggle work and family. I spoke of the two "girls" that help me with my children. In the South, where I come from, "girl" is a term of endearment. Jezebel.com, a women's website that is part of the Gawker group, linked to the article with a small blurb about how disrespectful it was of me to refer to professional child-care workers as "girls." The hate spewed from keyboards all across America.
SuperSally: "If you can't take care of your kids without almost round the clock help from multiple individuals then WTF? Either you had too many damn kids and didn't bother to think about it as you were popping them out or you are incompetent."
Experiencing the pain of childbirth does not make me love my children any more, that's why God invented epidurals. Similarly, changing every diaper, cooking every meal, and doing every pickup and dropoff does not make me love them more either. Choosing not to do so hardly makes me incompetent.
And then there was this type:
Pureblarney: "I cry inside every time I wait for the subway next to a child and his nanny. I will be raising my kids, thankyouverymuch, even if I have to pull teeth to keep any semblance of a career in tow."
Awww. You've got to love an idealist willing to perform dental procedures to be with her kids. But would she rather see a totally stressed-out mom pushed to brink of frustration? A dicey thing while standing on the edge of a subway platform.
Now I hardly sit back and watch from the sidelines as someone else raises my brood. Kids in New York need planned activities, they don't just run out to the backyard or meet up with the neighborhood gang for a game of Kick the Can. There are music lessons and sports, pediatrician and orthodontist appointments, and inevitably they are at different ends of Manhattan at the same time. It's a complex matrix of times and places and it requires a team effort to make it happen.
In the interview, I mentioned how much my kids love our nanny Alicia. As an example, I said I have heard them cry out for her in the middle of the night, and this vilified me to the commenting women. Alicia comes in the morning to help get the boys out of the door on time. Dependable and steady, she acts as the captain of the team and calls all the plays by telling us all where we need to be on any given day.
"Don't forget to pick up Truman after your meeting because Nicole will be with Pierson at reading. I'll take Larson to speech and meet you back here at 4:30."
Roger that. She expertly handles as many as ten speech and language sessions a week for my son with a learning disability, and I can count on one hand the work days she has missed in the 13 years she has been with our family. How wonderful that my children love this woman who has cared for them lovingly since they were babies. And if she felt so disrespected by being referred to as "girl," would she be here after so many years?
And then there is Nicole. Nicole is 6 feet tall and weighs 200 pounds, most of it pure muscle. She has a new hairstyle every week involving hair that is not hers. I usually introduce her as my bodyguard. The word "enforcement" best describes her nanny style. She comes in the afternoons to help get the boys picked up from school and dispersed to their various after-school locations, and stays until we can manage to get them all in bed. At 6, she lines up all the boys and makes them eat. At 7, she lines them up and makes them bathe. At 8, brush teeth, 9, bedtime. She rules with an iron fist and a gold grille.
We also have a manny named Blake. He comes to help with the boys on the weekends and his job is to run them ragged. He takes them to man movies I don't want to see, he takes them for sword fights in the park or sledding in the snow. He taught them how to make a device that shoots potatoes using PVC pipe, a can of hairspray and a Bic lighter; all the things boys should be doing in their spare time.
I feel that giving credit where credit is due is the better solution. Being raised by nannies doesn't seem to have adversely affected my kids at all. In fact, all their therapists say they are very well adjusted.
Laura Bennett was trained as an architect but has since established her career as a fashion designer by becoming a finalist on the Bravo TV series Project Runway. Bennett lives amid complete chaos in New York City with her husband and six children, Cleo, 20, Peik, 13, Truman, 10, Pierson, 6, Larson, 5, and Finn, 2.
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Laura Bennett was trained as an architect but has since established her career as a fashion designer by becoming a finalist on Season 3 of Bravo's Project Runway. Bennett lives amid complete chaos in New York City with her husband and six children, Cleo, 20, Peik, 13, Truman, 10, Pierson, 6, Larson, 5, and Finn, 2.
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Laura Bennett was trained as an architect but has since established her career as a fashion designer by becoming a finalist on Season 3 of Bravo's Project Runway. Bennett lives amid complete chaos in New York City with her husband and six children, Cleo, 20, Peik, 13, Truman, 10, Pierson, 6, Larson, 5, and Finn, 2.
joshon87
Rock on Laura!! I enjoy your blogs and look forward to the giggles I get from them.....
On this subject, I will just say I am jealous (and woman enough to admit it!).....I WISH I could hire a nanny for my teenaged sons- they are driving me batty!!!
sfrenchhodges
All I can say is damn, I only have one child and it can be incredibly hard to handle at times. Laura, I respect where you are coming from and applaud you for making the decision that best fits your family and their well-being. Screw the nay-sayers!
amb511
I don't see how it can hurt a child to have more adults in his or her life who love and care for him or her.
barbInLA
No mention of the FATHER of these kids-or is he just a sperm donor?
pegric
How lovely for you! How very lovely. Any working woman would fall on her knees and bless God for even part of the help you get from your 'girls' in running your busy, busy family. SO many activities. So much to do. So little time. How lovely for you. One question: How much do you pay these indispensible family helpers? Dare I even HOPE that is is significanlty above minimum wage? Some how I doubt it. Do share with your readers--how much does it cost to partition out these responsibilities? Hum? Mayne some of us could afford to hire a bit of help. At minimum wage, it might be possible. So--minimum wage?
SandraDee
I read your columns with a grain of salt....it goes with the tequila and lime. You will get your hate mail...but not from me.(Note to them....don't hate the playas, hate the game.)I don't live your lifestyle....I never will....but I am glad that you have injected humor into everything you do. Thanks for always making me laugh.
Signer
Laura, this was a great article. I used to run a family based day care. I even awoke in the middle of the night with thoughts of those kids and after I no long did it, it took me a couple of years to deprogram myself from the "day care mom" role.
Once I went back to work for a corporation, I have to tell you that keeping track of all those appointment I could do at once for many families - I soon would forget about my own while working for someone else.
I applaud you for recognizing the need for help, and good help at that.
photoshock
The telling line in this article is this, " In fact, all their therapists say they are very well adjusted."
Why in the world do all your "well adjusted" children need therapists? Is there some special reason that children need therapists at all? Other than the fact that they are maladjusted and needing help with coping skills?
My heart bleeds for you, you of the nannies and career, who cannot seem to cope in your own life without the help of people whom you pay to raise your children.
Would that all people were in your position, yet most of America would love to have the nannies job. Steady work from
someone like you.
taymerlot
Really photoshock? Seriously?
It's called sarcasm. Not even subtle sarcasm, pretty damn blatent. It's there intensionally - to be funny.
I worry for your kids more than hers. There are more important things in the world than bleeding your heart out for kids with nannies. Relax. It'll be okay.
heidi65
I, too, wondered about the need for therapists but hey, different strokes and all that.
I think you need to put Laura's nanny needs in context - she has 5 active children in New York City. I live in a leafy suburb and have a child who is active in music and on the tennis court 15 hours/week. In the 'burbs, driving from point A to B is a straight line involving a mini-van in a 15km radius. I also have a network of fellow suburban mommies who are eager and willing to carpool - and frankly, most of us contribute to that 2.1 kids demographic.
In the absence of that network, challenging traffic conditions, a wide geographic expanse in one the busiest cities in the world, multiplied by the needs of 5 kids - how do you maintain your sanity without help? If you can afford it. And perhaps that's the point of many people's complaints.
belledujour
photoshock, I'm sorry to hear your heart is bleeding..sounds pretty serious. I would not be so worried, I think it is easy to tell that the telling line has a hint of sarcasm.
finderj
In the 'good old days', women worked collectively and watched over thier children collectively. Like weaving huts in villages. Older kids helped out with younger kids. Fostering was common in the upper classes and it didn't mean that CPS had taken the kids. In middle and lower classes, apprenticeship was common, and that was a sort of live-in school beginning at about age eight. So moms throughout the ages have had help. And truly, very, very few people grew up with Donna Reed and managed to create that artificial world for their children.
So the point is: should women have children and careers, even if that choice means they will likely need help to manage their children?
So many American moms today haven't got any help. Managing their kids, working one or two jobs, a spouse that may be also working two jobs, or no spouse at all, is a lot more common. The middle class wife amd mother who stays home to manage house and children just isn't economically feasible for most people. But a lot of us wish it were.
That's where the backlash against stories like this comes from, I think. Envy. Pure and simple. Most humans usually want what they haven't got. So women who stay at home with no help have issues with women who work and have help. And vice versa.
What matters is this: are the kids happy and healthy? Are they thoughtful, bright for their ages, unstressed? Do they think about things and other people? Are they articulate enough to express themselves in a communicative manner? Can they handle grade-level academic work? Do they have friends? Do they have interests besides television and texting? If the answer to most of these questions is 'yes', then what's the big deal? Isn't the bottom line whether the kids are ok?
Or is it someone's opinion of how someone else 'should' manage their family and their business? You know what they say about 'should-ing' on yourself or someone else...
MsMonty
Oh photoshock, what a shame you can't recognize ironic humor when you read it. The line about the therapists is not "telling" ... it's a joke.
My heart doesn't bleed for children who have a stable family life, plenty of helpful adults to support them, a good education, music lessons, sports activities, speech therapists, and most importantly, parents who love them and are setting great examples for them with their successes in life.
There are millions of other kids you could be feeling sorry for instead -- who, while they might have their parents around 24/7 -- live in poverty, and often don't get enough to eat.
KarenZ
Laura: I always get a chuckle from your column. Having seen videos of your boys on PR, I can attest that it takes more than one person to corral the little darlings. You and your husband earn enough money to have nannies; I don't. But I certainly don't begrudge you yours.
And I suspect that last line about the therapist was written with tongue planted in cheek.
mushfin
No envy here. Having it all, career and such a large family, also comes with sacrifices. Best of continuiing luck.
Thank you.
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