Click Here For Good News!

Madoff Sentenced to 100 Years! GM Unveils ‘Car of the Future’! New Malcolm Gladwell Book Tanks! I want good news, damn it, and if the universe will not provide it, I’ll write it myself.

Faithful readers of this space will recall that it is titled “What Fresh Hell.” Little did I know, back in October, when I whimsically decided on the name, what low-hanging fruits lay ahead.

Remember the “crawl,” now thankfully abandoned by cable TV news shows: the ticker-tape that ran at the bottom of the screen, distracting you from looking too deeply into Wolf Blitzer’s baby blues? The crawl has now migrated, like an alien spore. You wake up in the morning, open your eyes, and there it is:

Unemployment Soars to 1983 Level…Gloomy Outlook for Home Sales…Tsvangirai’s Wife Killed…Doctoral Candidates Anticipate Hard Times…David Brooks Calls On Michelle Obama to Cover Her Biceps…

I’m tired of bad news. If I want bad news, I can always open the six months’ of 401(k) statements I have filed under “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

The judge ordered Ruth Madoff to “get real, bitch,” and surrender her luxury Upper East Side apartment to the Elie Wiesel Foundation.

I want good news, damn it, and if the universe will not provide it, I’ll write it myself.

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MADOFF SENTENCED TO 100 YEARS
WIFE TO VACATE APARTMENT
A federal judge today sentenced swindler Bernard Madoff to “not a day less than one century” of prison time, to be served in solitary confinement at a “super-max” facility. In somewhat unusual language for a US magistrate, he said, “The next ‘ankle bracelet’ you’ll be wearing will be a steel shackle, asshole.”

The judge further ordered Ruth Madoff to “get real, bitch,” and surrender her luxury Upper East Side apartment to the Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity for use as its new headquarters.

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FORMER MERRILL HEAD THAIN TAKES JOB
AS TOILET ATTENDANT AT ‘21’ CLUB
John Thain, who made headlines for spending $1.2 million redecorating his office with such items as a $35,000 antique commode as his company went down in flames, has been hired to attend the men’s room at the venerable eatery.

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‘RED-FACED’ STATE DEPARTMENT SUSPENDS
TRANSLATOR WHO ERRED IN BUTTON WORDING

The so-called "reset" button that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton presented to Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov now turns out to have been even more badly translated than previously thought.