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Madoff Sentenced to 100 Years! GM Unveils ‘Car of the Future’! New Malcolm Gladwell Book Tanks! I want good news, damn it, and if the universe will not provide it, I’ll write it myself.
Faithful readers of this space will recall that it is titled “What Fresh Hell.” Little did I know, back in October, when I whimsically decided on the name, what low-hanging fruits lay ahead.
Remember the “crawl,” now thankfully abandoned by cable TV news shows: the ticker-tape that ran at the bottom of the screen, distracting you from looking too deeply into Wolf Blitzer’s baby blues? The crawl has now migrated, like an alien spore. You wake up in the morning, open your eyes, and there it is:
Unemployment Soars to 1983 Level…Gloomy Outlook for Home Sales…Tsvangirai’s Wife Killed…Doctoral Candidates Anticipate Hard Times…David Brooks Calls On Michelle Obama to Cover Her Biceps…
I’m tired of bad news. If I want bad news, I can always open the six months’ of 401(k) statements I have filed under “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
The judge ordered Ruth Madoff to “get real, bitch,” and surrender her luxury Upper East Side apartment to the Elie Wiesel Foundation.
I want good news, damn it, and if the universe will not provide it, I’ll write it myself.
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MADOFF SENTENCED TO 100 YEARS
WIFE TO VACATE APARTMENT
A federal judge today sentenced swindler Bernard Madoff to “not a day less than one century” of prison time, to be served in solitary confinement at a “super-max” facility. In somewhat unusual language for a US magistrate, he said, “The next ‘ankle bracelet’ you’ll be wearing will be a steel shackle, asshole.”
The judge further ordered Ruth Madoff to “get real, bitch,” and surrender her luxury Upper East Side apartment to the Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity for use as its new headquarters.
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FORMER MERRILL HEAD THAIN TAKES JOB
AS TOILET ATTENDANT AT ‘21’ CLUB
John Thain, who made headlines for spending $1.2 million redecorating his office with such items as a $35,000 antique commode as his company went down in flames, has been hired to attend the men’s room at the venerable eatery.
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‘RED-FACED’ STATE DEPARTMENT SUSPENDS
TRANSLATOR WHO ERRED IN BUTTON WORDING
The so-called "reset" button that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton presented to Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov now turns out to have been even more badly translated than previously thought.
John Talks Joe
Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
The Right Dumps Carrie
Jacob Bernstein is a senior reporter at The Daily Beast. Previously, he was a features writer at WWD and W Magazine. He has also written for New York magazine, Paper, and The Huffington Post.
Geithner's Stock Plummeting
Jeff Madrick is a contributor to the New York Review of Books and a former economics columnist for the New York Times. He is editor of Challenge Magazine, visiting professor of humanities at Cooper Union, and senior fellow at the New School's Schwartz Center for Economic Policy Analysis. He is the author of Taking America, The End of Affluence (Random House) and The Case for Big Government.
Lessons from Another War
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
It's Time for Us to Go
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
A Prize Too Far
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
While you're at it, can we also discover a lost cache of tenure-track humanities positions?
I can sum up how I feel about this article in four words: Thank You - needed that.
Buckley! Words escape me. Thank you!
"Laughter I have pronounced holy."
Thank You!
Hmmmn, I had no idea things were so bad, and so easily correctable at the same time. Is this a newly acquired case of Gladwell Envy that has gotten the better of you? You can be sure that you're wearing the better hat. Malcolm's headgear is a bit too reminiscent of O.J. Simpson in that Comedy Classic '"The Naked Gun--From the Files of Police Squad!".
Christopher, you're taking hallucinogens again. But who can blame you.
Once again, a very humorous article. Have you considered taking up the writing of such articles as a profession?
Fantastic article, sir. Definitely needed and wonderfully written.
Thanks, I needed that too.
Well, there's good news, there's wishful thinking, and then there's science fiction. Glad to get a little dose of all three on a day when I have an "extra" hour to enjoy reading it.
Thanks Mr. Buckley. Your blog pieces are always good news that I look forward to each week.
Always a pleasure to read your blog.
Thank you, Mr. Buckley!
What's Buckley got against Malcolm Gladwell? Buckley's wishing for Gladwell's failure seems misplaced and uncharacteristically mean-spirited.
You're a stitch, Mr. Buckley! But I hope Malcolm is your best friend, and this is just some chummy ribbing. I love his books, too!
Limbaugh with laryngitis would be a miracle.
Okay, this is a sick thought, and I apologize in advance.
If Limbaugh could succumb to some sort of throat cancer and have his vocal cords removed it would be hilarious to listen to him rant through a squeaky voice box.
I know. I'm sorry.
We must be in deeper doo-doo than we acknowledge if the State Department can't find a Russian speaker who can translate "Reset."
Maybe this explains our screw ups in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan. Forget about intelligence. If you can't speak the damn language, what chance do we have of getting accurate info, no less conducting negotiations.
BeastofBourbon:
Funny, "extra hour of sleep" this morning.
Exactly. The antidote for the news media for the past 6 months. Thank you!
Thanks Chris, this was a real chuckler... I'm linking to this on my blog when I get off here (for those interested, it's Archetypes, Quarks, and Cupcakes at http://lovelifelightlaughter.blogspot.com/). We all need a few doses of good news, by golly!
Have just one tickler here:
"$35,000 antique commode"... I believe that's the second time you've mentioned that item in reference to a bathroom fixture. From pictures and descriptions I've seen of it, it's a piece of furniture, not a toilet. Similar to a table or raised bench. Honestly, just for that you should turn in your certificate in Ivy League upper-crustiness!!!
Sorry, but I like the Onion better.
Hey, stop hitting me.
@ lovelifelightlaugher
If you only knew the half of it. The 'commode' is the satiric pitch in the ensemble. But if you knew the Buckley's you'd know they are all sort of natural pitchers, Yale style. This one, Chris, throws a variety of screwballs at the Reader and it's just kind of fun to see them buzz by, some noticed, most missed. He does some wonderful things with Mathematics too. Bill III was sort of a curveball artist. Jay was easily the 'techiest' of the clan. Even amongst themselves, they come in different varieties.
Bravo! And, a special thanks for having both the taste and courage to recognize the the holes in Emporer Gladwell's robe.
Oh Mr Buckley....WHO is better than YOU? bless ur heart! you are just below Clare Boothe Luce on my fav list of Republicans!
ah, Clare is number 1....
How about Bagala, Carville, Rush and Coulter make a joint TV appearance and ask for public apology for all their trash talk. They renounce this world and be happy with their families.
Have you considered getting a job at The Onion?
;-)
A few more:
Cheney remains in custody on charges relating to his approval of torture; jury selection underway.
Universal healthcare signed into law.
Dollar strengthens; again on par with euro.
Law legalizes most previously illegal drugs; persons in jail on non-violent drug offenses released to job training programs. Billions saved.
CHRIS BUCKLEY FOR U.S. SURGEON GENERAL ! ... this is just what the doctor ordered !
Thank you.
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