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Women Have It Worse
The author of the blog Reverse Cowgirl and noted sex writer says promiscuous women still suffer from the classic sexual double-standard more than men who can’t get laid. Plus, read Grant Stoddard’s rebuttal.
For years, it’s been widely held that women have been accorded far less freedom of sexual expression than men. If a woman is too sexually adventurous, too promiscuous, too “freaky” in the sack, she gets labeled a slut. In contrast, men have been lauded for their sexual prowess, “high-fived for wantonness,” accorded “player” status for acting like studs.
Now the tables have turned, the study claims, and it’s women who are granted more freedom to experiment sexually, and men who are expected to fulfill their sexual stereotype. God help the oversexed frat boy who wants to get freaky. Whether it’s homoerotic fantasies, cross-dressing, or sadomasochism, only women are socially “permitted” to partake in exploring sexuality, the study finds, whereas guys must adhere to what’s expected of them. But has this study got it right—or totally wrong?
Take a look at the young women who write openly about their sex lives online, and what you’ll find is that trailing along behind them is a line of rabid attackers looking to punish them for doing so.
Having spent the last decade writing about sex, I’ve talked to all kinds of people about their sex lives, from the professional dominatrix to the girl next door, the stud-for-hire to the married john, the college student to the adult-film star. Over the years, the mainstreaming of pornography, the rise of the Internet, and the single-handed crotch-flashing efforts of Britney Spears have brought sex to the forefront of public discourse like never before. Yet, despite all this “progress,” I’ve found that it’s women who remain subjected to the sexual double-standard. The evidence is written across the Internet.
Take a look at the young women who write openly about their sex lives online, and what you’ll find is that trailing along behind them is a line of rabid attackers looking to punish them for doing so. The more high-profile among them spawn lightning-rod debates as they reveal their sexual proclivities in provocative blog posts and graphic cellphone pics. When Lena Chen, a Harvard student and sex blogger, posted a shot of her face after oral sex, Gawker pronounced it the “Worst Overshare Anywhere Ever”—and republished the “horribly oversharey” photo (it was later cropped to a thumbnail). It’s as if when women choose to exercise their sexual freedoms, men can’t quite figure out whether to love them or hate them for it.
What, exactly, are these women being ostracized for—being sexual, experimenting sexually, or having the guts to put themselves out there as representatives of a generation of a women who don’t want to fit into preconceived boxes of “how they’re supposed to be” in bed? It’s a mix of all of the above, but the consequences remind everyone that if women go public with their sexuality, if they go “too far,” if they become sexual “players” whose “numbers” threaten to outdo the bedpost notches of their Don Juan peers, they’ll catch heat for it.
Sure, women are freer to explore their sexuality—as long as it doesn’t threaten the male status quo. Tucker Max’s sex-and-brews fratire biopic, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, will be released later this year, but don’t expect to find the chronicles of a sexually emancipated post-feminist coming to theaters near you anytime soon.
Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and blogger. Currently, she is at work on a novel set in the adult movie industry.
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Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
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Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and blogger. Currently, she is at work on a novel set in the adult movie industry.
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Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and blogger. Currently, she is at work on a novel set in the adult movie industry.
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Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and blogger. Currently, she is at work on a novel set in the adult movie industry.
At 21, ungainly wallflower Grant Stoddard came to the United States from England in pursuit of true love. After eighteen months of couch-surfing and heartbreak, he stumbled into a job at Nerve.com as New York's most intrepid sex columnist, despite having little experience in either sex or writing. His memoir, Working Stiff: The Misadventures of an Accidental Sexpert (Harper Perennial) has been optioned by Paramount Vantage. He currently resides in British Columbia, Canada.
The better the sex, the less the people having it want to talk about it. If you're blogging about your sex life, something's missing. Good luck.
These articles are funny yet ... introspective.
The irony again is that labeling by media will influence someone that is insecure about their sexuality instead of allowing for natural expressive growth.
No matter, whether you're creationist or evolutionist, we have been having sex for A LONG TIME!!! When are we going to grow up?
I don't give in to the double standard. I'm not very promiscuous but at the same time I do what I want with whomever I choose to do it with, without caring about what someone has to say about me. That double standard sh*t is outdated and stupid. Men have always been able to do whatever they want and receive no criticism for it. Even when it comes down to just playing with other people's emotions. It's okay for men to lead women on and get whatever they want out of them. But when a woman does it, she's a golddigger, slut, whore and whatever else falls under that description in the dictionary.
What exactly is your evidence of a double standard? You are implying a lot without evidence. There's a popular show on HBO about the adventures of a call girl right now. Didn't you know about that? And your comments regarding Lena Chen don't really prove a double standard . . . do they? Didn't she want to get noticed? Gawker did exactly what she wanted them to do.
And, honestly, isn't that just about the tackiest thing you can imagine . . . from a guy or a girl. There are places for those pictures . . . like Voyeurweb . . . and they are very appreciated there. To put it out in the mainstream speaks to potential mental health problems. If I were the guy involved I'd be disgusted by her lack of discretion.
The singer Lily Allen has recently been in the news over the release of her new album "It's Not Me, It's You." One of the songs has the lyric, "I lay there in the wet patch, in the middle of the bed. I felt pretty damned well done by; I spent ages giving head."
She has been roundly criticized for this, and her response (in a New Yorker interview in the March 9 issue) was to compare her treatment in the press to the rappers who routinely spout sexually explicit lyrics.
Miss Allen says, "It's that it's a girl singing about sex. Any fucking hip-hopper, they'll play all those 'Suck on my dick, bitch!' They'll play that until the cows come home. This is just because it's a girl. But that's what's infuriating about it...How are things ever going to change?"
I don't think this is a 'Battle of the Sexes'. One sex having it worse then the other. I think it's more a Battle of Culture vs. Reality. I think in the end both men and women can agree that both sides have some really messed up stereotypes we have to try and overcome in the bedroom. And who's put those stereotypes into our heads? Put in stupid thoughts like "guys have to have big dicks" "women have to have big breasts"? It's false assumptions created by a combination of our own insecurities and society building onto our fears of "what others will think". Once people stop caring how others will think of what they do or don't do we can overcome these falsities. We've gotten so use to labeling ourselves and others into neat little categories that we've forgotten that being individual means that we'll never fit into them. Nothing is that simple, especially when sex is the topic.
You're right on the money, Susanna - there's still a double standard for women. It has changed, women are allowed to be sexual now - but that sexuality has to be solely and exclusively for male amusement, not as an autonomous sexual act by a woman for her own pleasure
I think a flaw in this argument is the assumption that men are the ones who go on the attack against sexually free women. It's women who do the attacking against other women in a much larger measure than men.
I am kind of busy, but would like to get something in between dropping off my dry cleaning and running to the next meeting.
Wonder if they would set up something for women that we could just run in, get our needed release, then get on to the next appointment? Sounds practical. Almost trumps a message.
I do think that a double standard still exists for women. However, I must also say that I see things beginning to change. There was a time when a woman was not even allowed to "have fun" and experiment with sex. Now, that is no longer the case. I find it quite refreshing to see that women are finally being allowed to come out of the closet. That being said....I think that it is unnecessary for anyone(men or women) to exploit sexuality in music or the internet. In saying that, I do think that there is a place for sexual overtones in music, but in my opinion it does not need to be as graphic as it sometimes is. In a nutshell....I am thrilled to see that women are finally starting to get some equality for their role in sexuality. The bedroom should be a place of passion...a fun place where two consenting adults enjoy one another, and women should not be penalized for acting out their desires, and being part of the joy of sex.
The chronicles of a sexually emancipated post-feminist would sell off the shelves, but only if it was brutally honest in a way that most women can't be - about money, status, power, abuse, and attraction.
Hell yes, the double standard is alive and well. Only pretty girls are allowed to ask--even the ugly guys adhere to this standard. Far from being viewed as a vanguardist or as an adventurer, the cougar is merely derided as a predator, a near-rapist who must have brainwashed her younger "prey". Women of age, experience, and average appearance will be found to be the recipients of the "slut, bitch, and 'ho" epithets.
No liberty allowed, unless you are one of nature's appearance aristocracy.
"Average appearance" says it all, thank you littlepitcher. Males, young or old, only want the "best" and the rest of us have to "do it ourselves", which gets more difficult as time goes on. Where did the "virtual reality" experiences go, you know, those big glasses attached to some sort of machine? Women just don't exist in a male world, except to entice and get screwed (literally and figuratively). Maybe we should backtrack and withhold what they want until we get what we want. Maybe our males will be desperate once again.
Thank you.
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