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Hollywood's New Hot Diet
DAY 3. MONDAY.
Supposedly this is the hump day, at least according to the juice girl at my gym who probably knows better than most. I could barely get through the green coconut chunky delight this morning, but I do feel a bit more energetic and hit the elliptical.
My skin looks like it belongs to a seven-year-old, but my stomach is still not right. I am not “eliminating” anything and I feel like a camel heading into the desert. My stomach is distended. I look pregnant. My jeans are tight, causing more cramping pain. I take some more LaxElixir (supposed to be reserved for bedtime) and head to a lunch meeting.
I pick a table near the door hoping the place will, er, air out as customers pass in and out. My friends arrive and we chat and I patiently watch two people slowly devour grilled octopus, grilled chicken salad, and Moroccan lamb tagine. I sip a cup of mint tea for two hours, afraid to put any more liquid into my body. My colleagues take note of my incredible self-discipline. More like exhaustion. But I haven’t cheated, even when no one was looking.
Life really does revolve around food, especially in New York. It’s all about where to go for brunch, lunch, coffee, dinner, after-dinner drinks… We socialize around food, we do business around food. Usually, we don’t scrutinize what eat. I think about the cheeseburger I planned to eat on Wednesday when this is over, and I think—do I really want to eat a cheeseburger? Will it ever work its way out of my lower intestine?
DAY 4. TUESDAY
It’s day four—D day. I swear I can smell baked goods wafting in from the apartment down the hall. I leave my building and notice a cab with a Snickers ad on it. I immediately have the urge to chase it down Fifth Avenue. All of my senses have heightened, for better or worse. The world is a clearer place. I realize how bad Manhattan smells.
It is supposed to be the final day of the cleanse, but I haven’t “eliminated” anything since Friday and I am starting to worry. I call my friend, a fan of colonics, who recommends that I call Lyt on 34th Street. I know this sounds extreme, but I am in serious pain. I have imbibed four gallons of liquid and ingested a four-pound Bag-O-Fiber. I have crazy energy and I am not hungry, but I am not a happy camper either. I book myself into Lyt, tacking an additional $105 onto this experiment.
This is my first colonic ever. The therapist pushes on my sacrum and I scream in pain. She says this explains my headaches. I believe her. At this moment, I would believe anything she said. She kneads my stomach for 45 minutes as I finally let go of a week. It’s humiliating. All I wanted was to feel thin and focused and refreshed! Instead, I have turned myself into a toxic bubble. They tell me to come back on Friday.
The next morning, I step on the scale. I feel better, finally. I am five pounds lighter and my skin looks great. I make a cup of coffee and it tastes disgusting. I am still not hungry. I sip a cup of tea.
Was it worth it? Maybe, but I realize that one should not embark on such a drastic therapy without guidance. This do-it-yourself attitude was a bad idea. You really need some handholding and some expert advice when trying to reverse the damage you’ve done to your organs. Also, being forced to look at what comes out of one's body really makes you think about what you put in it. To all you detoxers, I salute you. I hope in time I will have forgotten the pain and misery and will have a similar story to tell.
Alexandra Polier has worked for the past five years as a journalist in East Africa, covering everything from war and famine to culture and fashion for such publications as Newsweek, Forbes, Domino, People, Marie Claire, New York magazine and Foreign Policy. She is working as a freelance writer in New York and raising her 2-year-old son Lawrence.
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Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
An old fashioned enema would have cleaned you out without going through days of starvation and pain. Sometimes there is some validity to the old ways.
Yes, you lost weight, because you didn't eat much! Amazing!
LOL I agree Picachu..I was going to post the same thing but you beat me to it.
So many have to have some "thing" that they use as entrance to a world they think exist without them..LOL Poor things. Take and exlax and find new friends that are healthy in mind and body without extreme needs to please and belong.
There's so many different kinds of cleanses. It's confusing. Wasn't there an article recently about the whole detox craze? We take it for granted that it is what it says it is, BUT THERE IS NO PROOF that toxins (whatever they really are) are expelled.
Fasting has a long history. Why not just call it that?
as someone who lost 100 lbs in the last year (the healthy way, by eating better and exercising), reading stuff like this is almost infuriating. starving yourself so you lose five pounds in four days is not healthy. it should be pretty obvious that if you're in that much pain and discomfort you're doing your body harm.
i still can't figure out why people think that just because someone has a recognizable name and got paid a lot of money to be in a movie or on tv, suddenly they're a reliable source for health tips. get real.
As a scientist I am amazed how readily people allow themselves to be fooled. "Cleansing", "detoxing" - all a bunch of centuries old lies.
Who says that my organs are damaged? What science is the need for cleansing based on?
Using less salt and applying sun screen also makes your skin radiant.
No thanks, I'd rather chew three meals a day.
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If you don't eat junk in the first place there's nothing to "cleanse". Just eat plenty of organic vegetables and lay off the junk.
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Two words: Italian sausage!
I use MetaCleanse all the time and have never had the bloating problem, but I don't fast or take the other things the author took. It sounds like if she got that constipated that she wasn't drinking enough water. The "Metamucil for the Soul" is actually a good description - MetaCleanse is ground flaxseed, fiber and bentonite clay. Native Americans and other cultures around the world have used bentonite for centuries as a natural medicine. http://www.metacleanse.com
My God.... 7 of the "Best of the Beast" are fluff entertainment pieces. I can't believe this site anymore.
Oh, for the love of reason: it's called 'the liver,' doofuses.
Try eating good, healthy, raw food as the bulk of your diet. Plenty of fiber to "cleanse" you and you get to EAT.
I rather go with a balanced diet than detoxing, which is more logical and safe than denying your stomach from solid food.
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http://alexius-locker.blogspot.com/
Such misinformation. All this organic, exotic crap is only enriching those who peddle it. Do a clinical trial and get it FDA approved if you think it's so awesome. Show me some real data on its effectiveness and then we'll talk.
At the end of the day, eating balanced and healthy is what wins. It's cool if you eat pad thai once a week, just not seven times a week. Balance!
blah-de-fucking-blah...what is this BS doing on the beast? here's the simplest, cheapest, healthiest, and most effective way to lose weight and stay in shape - eat good foods in small amounts throughout the day and exercise. enjoy your life and don't give a damn about what gwynneth and oprah are doing (because oprah is OBVIOUSLY the person one should look to for diet info...ahem...).
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
As a 10-year veteran of the natural foods industry, it disturbs me how readily otherwise intelligent individuals will purchase and consume cleanses and supplements off the internet. Would you be just as willing to purchase the same products out of the trunk of a car from a stranger in an abandoned parking lot? Supplement manufacturing in the US receive very little oversight and you would be surprised how few companies can provide content analysis (proving what they claim is in their product, is ACTUALLY in the product) let alone microbial assays and other measures which demonstrate the safety of the product. When you buy a product off the internet, like the cleanse you reference, you are essentially doing one of these technologically advanced shady back alley purchases. It takes very little to put up a website and get credit card processing service.
After navigating to the website you linked to, the first big red flag that went up was the absence of a Supplement Facts box. Any reputable supplement manufacturer has to submit a Supplement Facts box to the FDA for approval for every product they produce. They offer to give you instructions/ingredients, but they do not actually give you the ingredients and instead give you long convoluted instructions to distract you. This is classic misdirection in marketing.
Products available for retail usually undergo much more scrutiny before they even hit the shelves at your local supplements store. Take yourself to one of these stores and talk to one of the buyers. Ask them what they require from the companies they vend for assurance in purity, potency and quality.
Most importantly, for you own safety, don't buy any supplements off the internet until you have better educated yourself about where the product is coming from, what it actually contains, and what measures has the manufacturer taken to assure it's safety.
I have done a few colon detox's in the past and they really do work, check out "Blessed herbs.com".
You will not believe it but its 100% true what they say about Colon Mucous!! Once the thick rubbery lining came out of my colon I felt clean, was regular and about 5kg lighter.
For me it worked!
Thank you.
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