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Why Women Stay
Looking back, is there a specific incident that you think of as your most frightening moment with Conor?
In some ways, the most frightening thing is that I wasn’t frightened when I should have been. The time he held his loaded gun to my head, I trusted that he wouldn’t get quite mad enough to pull the trigger. But the time when I didn’t have any denial anymore was that final beating. I’ve never been that scared in my whole life.
And you think he could have pulled the trigger?
Oh, I think he would have. I’m sure if I had stayed he would have killed me.
Let’s talk about Rihanna and Chris Brown. Were you surprised she didn’t leave him?
No. Not at all. Nothing she has done has surprised me. I think this story is going to continue to unfold as a very typical domestic-violence scenario. I’m grateful to Chris Brown and Rihanna because I think they’re showing the country and the world what domestic violence is like. They’re very typical victims. And they’re both so appealing. I feel very sorry for Chris Brown. He was abused by his stepfather as a kid and he tried to face that but not quite enough, and it’s an ugly, confusing situation that’s hard for both of them. And I think she will leave him eventually, but I think there will probably be more violence before then.
No small number of people have been defending Brown. Does that surprise you?
It makes me sad for Rihanna. And I guess for myself. I said in the book, one reason my divorce lawyer said I couldn’t fight my ex-husband in court is that maybe he would come across as the more sympathetic victim. The way Rihanna is kind of tough and is doing things like getting that gun tattooed on her, it reminds me a little of myself—our country doesn’t tend to like women who are tough in the way Rihanna is acting tough.
Since the recession began, there have been reports that domestic violence is on the rise. What do you think about the connection between increased anxiety about the economy and more domestic violence?
I don’t think a recession causes domestic violence. It’s kind of like how calls to domestic-violence hotlines are high the night of the Super Bowl—the Super Bowl doesn’t turn men into abusers. But a man who is already a batterer, he is probably going to abuse his partner more often in a stressful situation. So I don’t think it’s the number of people who are going up, I think it’s the frequency.
Do you know where Conor is today?
This is a funny thing to explain, but for me, the relationship really died that last night. I still care about him and wish him well in a vague way, but I really never think about him as a human, living person. I don’t have any details about what his life is like or exactly where he is. I’m not curious about him at all, and I don’t care in the slightest bit whether he knows about the book or reads the book. I feel really strongly that it’s my story, not his.
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Will Doig is the Features Editor at The Daily Beast. He has written for New York, The Advocate, Out, Black Book and Highlights for Children.
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so, in other words, you're still being tough, because this is your story and he has not part in it, he can't control you or cause you to change your life in any way again...although he just might find you and kill you this time, because he's a crazy mo-fo.
I think if it were me, I'd want to know where he is. I'd also leave a last testament (not a will) indicating that if I die suspiciously, the authorities should be looking at him. Just sayin'. Serial batterers are objects of sympathy but they are also angry, angry people who feel their abuse is justified...and some of them just won't quit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHO_jv2m3XY
I read Leslie Morgan Steiner's "Crazy Love," and I recommend it highly. It was a page-turner of a book that will also turn your stomach. Conor comes out looking like a monster, in pressed jeans and tasseled-loafers, no less. A man whose efforts to appear classy or well-bred backfire by being so over-wrought and calculated. I also wondered, like Mr. Doig, what happened to Conor, but if I had to ask Ms. Steiner a question, it would be about members of her own family, like her dad, who gave Conor a thousand dollars for a divorce lawyer, and her aunt, who gave him permission to use her country home as a legal address. Ms. Morgan never states whether she confronted these two loving family members over their betrayals. If you can't count on close relatives during hard times, who can you count on?
You need to be able to count on yourself first. Family, friends, neighbors, the police, all the hotlines in the world couldn't do anything until I admitted that I was being abused. Abuse thrives on secrecy...so let's all break the silence. You can share your story (and read others) at The Crazy Love Project at www.lesliemorgansteiner.com. Thanks, Will, for doing this interview and spreading the word that you can survive domestic violence.
Gimme a break. Women can be extremely difficult once they think they've landed their guy. Perfectly understandable how less emotionally developed men could resort to physical abuse.
I'm a woman-loving fellow of 66 and have NEVER hit ANY woman. Hint to women and men: if your partner hurts you, get away from him/her as fast as you can! You can't fix people who would hurt their partner. Once is too much.
Thank you.
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