Ashley Dupré in Exile

Flashpoint, WENN / Newscom This week's Newsweek cover story unfortunately focused on the least interesting person in the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal: Eliot Spitzer. As a public service, satirist Andy Borowitz has fabricated the following profile of the significantly more interesting Ashley Alexandra Dupré.

Newsweek, April 18, 2009: There is no success so exquisite as the kind you find in Manhattan and no disgrace so excruciating as the kind you find on Manhattan's Upper East Side…

In Manhattan, where horse-ejected pop stars join their ’roid-bloated exes on the celebrity disabled list, where convicted Ponzi schemers live cheek-by-jail with accused Somali pirates, one simple fact of New York life knits together this Hogarthian crazy-quilt of humanity: When your dog poops, you have to clean it up. Ashley Alexandra Dupré knows this all too well.

“Clients One through Eight: These were the forgotten victims in this sad story. But I want them to know that they are more than Emperors or VIPs to me. They’re real people with real feelings.”

Eliot Spitzer goes out to walk the dogs. For three days after resigning as governor of New York in March 2008, he stayed in his Upper East Side apartment, out of the cameras' view…

“Yesterday I was out walking my dog and I forgot to bring a plastic bag,” Ashley says. “I hope nobody stepped in it.”

Spitzer kept walking the dog through the last bitter days of winter. The photographers lost interest. By summer he was an Upper East Side curiosity—Whatever happened to Eliot? I don't know, was a common answer, but I've seen him walking his dog. A year later, he is still walking…

Ashley knows a thing or two about stepping in shit. In March 2008, she was the other woman in the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal immortalized by one tabloid headline as YOU, ME & DUPRE. One year later, she’s still picking up the mess.

Spitzer knows this, knows that every time he hails a cab, runs in the park, or takes the dogs out, people may be watching him—wondering why he did it, what's really going on inside his apartment and what's going on inside his head…

“I was a high-earning prostitute with a BlackBerry full of johns, and I threw it all away for one night with Eliot Spitzer,” she says, ruefully. “I know the question everyone’s asking: ‘What was she thinking?’”

How truly difficult this must be for Spitzer, who has always been better than everyone. "Over the course of my public life," he said in his resignation statement, "I have insisted, I believe correctly, that people, regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself."…