Blogs and Stories
The Ethical Slut Returns
Has the Internet made it easier to live this way, and experiment if people are curious?
The polyamory community has grown enormously. A lot, lot, lot of people are meeting on Craigslist or OKCupid. You might go play within the hour, if you want a particular kind of relationship… I think it’s fabulous! The anonymity facilitates more people trying this out, although many people find their partner advertising on Craigslist unbeknownst to them; people set up anonymous dates and it turns out to be their spouse who answered the ad.
You write that you chose polyamory after your ex-husband attacked you: “I decided he was right—I am a slut, I want to be a slut, I will never promise monogamy again. I will never be a piece of property again…” (Dossie says she was monogamous at the time.) Was your choice a reaction to a bad marriage, or something you had always considered?
A little of both, but back then you had only two options after a one night stand: Either get married or never speak to the person again. I hated that! I would be very disappointed when those people didn’t want to be my friend, just my partner for a night. We would go home together and have a lovely time, and then where did they go? You want to make love with me, so why don’t you want to be my friend? We live in such an alienated society that you might not know anyone in a big city even if you are having sex. That’s dumb! I knew that at 19, but people in 1969 thought I was nuts, so it was very exciting when the book had such an impact. Many people have told me it saved their lives.
There is a huge reason we call it the ethical slut: You should behave in such a way that your actions don’t cause harm. Sex is not something that you should steal from people, take from people, or trick them into doing; you should treat all of your relationships with respect.
You argue that monogamy is socially conditioned. Would you say that in a way it’s unnatural?
Now that we have DNA testing, scientists can’t find one species that is consistently monogamous, so it’s not as naturally inscribed as many people believe. Clearly there’s another end of the spectrum—people who would prefer to be homebodies, want a quiet life, want things serene—and that is just fine. Monogamy is a fine lifestyle, there’s nothing wrong with it, but our society is wrong to say that it’s the only lifestyle, and you’re pathological if you choose something else.
We are consenting adults in an active collaboration for the pleasure and well-being of everyone involved. It can be uncomfortable or painful or emotionally challenging—it can be very, very complex—but if you want to grow then you have to challenge yourself.
An orgy is a great way to get over stage fright?
It is! It is! And bad body image.
John Talks Joe
Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
Why America Must Learn to Bow
Martin Jacques is the cofounder of the UK think tank Demos, writes a regular column for The Guardian, and is a visiting research fellow at the London School of Economics Asia Research Centre. His new book, When China Rules the World, is available now.
Going Rogue: The Index
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
Duchovny's Commanding Second Act
Marty Beckerman is the author of Generation S.L.U.T. (MTV Books) and Dumbocracy (Disinformation). He has written for Playboy, Discover, Radar and Huffington Post. His website is www.MartyBeckerman.com.
Kinky's Back!
Marty Beckerman is the author of Generation S.L.U.T. (MTV Books) and Dumbocracy (Disinformation). He has written for Playboy, Discover, Radar and Huffington Post. His website is www.MartyBeckerman.com.
Mea Culpa, Kiddo
Marty Beckerman is the author of Generation S.L.U.T. (MTV Books) and Dumbocracy (Disinformation). He has written for Playboy, Discover, Radar and Huffington Post. His website is www.MartyBeckerman.com.
This user is no longer registered.
No, Russian roulette is a blast for the losers...
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
Hello --
Actually, the book itself contains extensive suggestions for minimizing the risk of STD transmission. Given that the interview questions didn't touch on that subject, my co-author didn't discuss it -- but if Marty had asked, Dossie could have given him lots of good information about how sluts stay safe.
Janet W. Hardy
co-author, "The Ethical Slut"
If you practice safer sex, you'll be fine. Sure, there's always a chance of getting an STD, but you can minimize that risk while living a happy life, just like any other potential condition (cancer, etc.) Live a happy life, and stop worrying so much, so long as you've taken precautions. Don't use scare tactics irresponsibly to disguise your prudishness.
As for polyamory, whatever floats your boat, if it's amongst consenting adults. Which is only fair.
This user is no longer registered.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
Consenting adults ought to be free to pursue whetever relationships they desire with other consenting adults.
Government ought to stay out of legislating morality - it never, ever works - and leave that to religious institutions.
too bad so many people have the ethical standards of a three-day-old doughnut.
Oh Lord.... (shakes head)
Where do they get these people?
Divorce as been a big part of my life, and I see no reason why the study of love and human relationships cannot include polyamory. Don't be so quick to judge.
"Young people in the 21st century seem much more utilitarian about hooking up"
As a young person in the 21st century, I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit.
We can't call "bullshit" unless we know what the hell she's talking about.
u%u22C5til%u22C5i%u22C5tar%u22C5i%u22C5an
%u2002 %u2002/yu%u02CCt%u026Al%u026A%u02C8t%u025B%u0259ri%u0259n/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [yoo-til-i-tair-ee-uhn] Show IPA
-adjective
1. pertaining to or consisting in utility.
2. having regard to utility or usefulness rather than beauty, ornamentation, etc.
3. of, pertaining to, or adhering to the doctrine of utilitarianism.
-noun
4. an adherent of utilitarianism.
Origin:
1775-85; utilit(y) -arian
Synonyms:
2. practical, useful, functional, sensible.
Sorry. Some weird dictionary font translates as garbage. Nevertheless, we've clarified the issue. NOW we can call "bullshit".
This article turns me on...good thing it's almost happy hour!!
I'm going
To look
At the mailman
In a whole
New way.
To each their own of course. I'm just glad I don't have to socialize with people like this. The separation between sexual impulse and responsibility is going to have devastating effects on these people. They deserve the consequences of their actions.
This type of activity is not necessarily pure sexual impulse, I doubt she's advocating a free-for-all. It's completely possible to approach sex with multiple partners responsibly and avoid "consequences" ie stds. Not everyone has to be a free-spirit sex therapist in san francisco, she's just saying we shouldn't feel obligated to be miserable in the death-trap that is monogamous marriage.
They will indeed reap the consequences of their choices.
But it isn't any of our business, is it?
Ethical standards we can judge. Morality is a bit different, and the judgement of what is and is not moral is up to the individual.
The difference? Ethical conduct requires one to treat others as one desires to be treated. Ethical conduct is quantifiable. Moral conduct is utterly subjective. Morality says which things are right and wrong based on an interior belief system.
It could be ethical for one to engage in responsible polyamorous relationships.
The morality of it has to be determined by the people involved.
The rest of us should mind our own business.
what consequences? as long as everyone involved gets tested and uses protection it's no more dangerous than a monogamous relationship.
education is the way to promote responsible behavior, no matter what type of relationship. marriage is often a method to contain people who aren't educated in safe sex.
Not really my thing. Not knocking anyone else, but hooking up with lots of women seems unstable..like on is constantly looking..never satisfied.
It amazes me that people who appear horrified of reading this article took the time to read the entire article, and comment, if this is not your cup of tea, stop reading and move on, don't post your judgemental and idiotic comments, and also don't assume that because someone has an alternative lifestyle they go all willy neely into a bar and have sex with a random person... if you are going to read the article, make sure you understand it!!
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
Thank you.
As a first time user, your comment has been submitted for review. It can take anywhere from a few hours to a day or two for your comment to be reviewed, depending on the time of week and the volume of comments we receive.
Please log in to leave comments.