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The 30-Year-Old Orgasm Virgin
A new book chronicles one woman's 26-year quest to bring herself to sexual climax. I did her four better.
Despite having worked at Glamour magazine and coming of age in the Sex and the City era, I was 30 years old before I made up my mind to give masturbation a try. Thirty before I ever used a vibrator. Thirty before I had my first orgasm.
Sex has always made intuitive sense to me—the human connection, the intimacy—even if I didn’t actually have sex till my late 20s. (Blame Catholic repression.) But the idea of anyone, male or female, masturbating? That grossed me out for a long time. It seemed tawdry, seedy, shameful—in a category with sex shops, colored condoms, and porn videos. On top of that, I’ve never been someone who pursues pleasure for pleasure’s sake. I eat what’s healthy, always refuse dessert, and even when I go to the movies, it’s in the hopes of learning something that will help me develop as a storyteller. A typical type-A over-achiever.
Guys don’t need electronic devices purchased at stores with names like Good Vibrations, books with names like Sex for One, or DVDs called Viva la Vulva.
Like me, Mara Altman, the author of a new memoir called Thanks for Coming: One Young Woman’s Quest for an Orgasm—a 377-page exercise in what might be termed “vagina-gazing”—wasn’t that interested in making time for orgasm either. (Not until she landed the Coming book deal, that is, at age 26, which more or less required that she give it a whirl.) Her shrink’s diagnosis: that she couldn’t allow herself enjoyment unless involved in the accomplishment of a task.
Thanks for Coming: One Young Woman’s Quest for an Orgasm. By Mara Altman.
Other than that, though, Altman and I don’t have much in common. She was raised by two hippie-ish parents, Berkeley dropouts who were so open about sex and sexuality it could be embarrassing; her theory is that she rebelled by never touching herself. Sounds feasible, at first. But she never quite squares that hypothesis with the fact that she lost her virginity at an unremarkable age, when she was a high-school senior, at her parents’ house, in her very own bedroom—and the next day, after “proudly” telling them what went down, they gave her their copy of The Kama Sutra—none of which seems to have bothered her much.
Still, she did have masturbation-block. Altman, a former Village Voice staff writer, had “always hoped some man would hit a bull’s eye and save me the trouble of exploring myself.” I know plenty of women who have felt the same way. Perhaps this expectation is another iteration of traditional gender roles; maybe it comes of the belief that men are more sexually experienced. But that’s not because they’re particularly sexually talented as a gender, but rather because the mechanics of male masturbation are so much simpler. Dudes don’t need electronic devices purchased at stores with names like Good Vibrations, books with names like Sex for One, or DVDs called Viva la Vulva.
Once women ask around, however, it’s no big secret that a vibe—not a man—is the best route to getting off. That’s what all my lady friends told me, anyway. Altman gets the same advice, and on page six of her me-moir, admits she could “just shove one of those rabbit vibrators ... down there and probably get it over with.” Yet she doesn’t actually use one till page 240. And almost immediately after she finally does—no surprise—she has that elusive orgasm. It’s a moment that’s, ironically, anticlimatic for the exasperated reader, who long ago figured out that the main reason Altman procrastinates so long is because she wouldn’t have a book otherwise. Were she a particularly funny or talented writer, she might have pulled off being a tease for so long, but I lost my readerly erection by about page four. Despite the energy she brings to her task, Altman doesn’t have the chops to make a Don Quixote-length book about her quest worth reading, particularly because her personal story isn’t especially compelling—she doesn’t delve in a meaningful way into the existing literature, scientific or otherwise, nor does she have very interesting insights.
Without insight or self-reflection, discussing this path to orgasm is, well, just masturbation. My own self-analysis goes like this: I was raised by a construction-working Irish immigrant father, a widower who never discussed the birds and the bees with me and was angered by the vaguest reference to sexuality. Thirteen years of Catholic school only intensified all the shame and fear I associate with sex.
It seemed to take almost as long to de-program myself, with therapy, as it had to get inculcated. I was in my 20s before I finally lost my virginity, and it was even longer before I made it across the masturbatory threshold. Though all my boyfriends encouraged me to give it a go, saying it was the only way I’d ever have an orgasm, I held out, not understanding what all the fuss was about—till an ex suggested that learning how to climax might help alleviate my chronic back pain. That sounded promising. (After all, as Altman notes, orgasms are natural analgesics.) Though sexual realization didn’t seem particularly exigent, physical relief did. And because I already had a vibrator—snagged years earlier off the Glamour giveaway shelf (still in its packaging, I assure you)—what did I have to lose?
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Jacob Bernstein is a senior reporter at The Daily Beast. Previously, he was a features writer at WWD and W Magazine. He has also written for New York magazine, Paper, and The Huffington Post.
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"On top of that, I've never been someone who pursues pleasure for pleasure's sake. I eat what's healthy, always refuse dessert, and even when I go to the movies, it's in the hopes of learning something that will help me develop as a storyteller."
You are a joke.
You are a jerk.
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I think I'm more shocked at the thought of someone ALWAYS refusing dessert than avoiding masturbation. Really?
But seriously -- I think the author is brave to tell her story. Lots of women don't have orgasms at all. Lots of women never masturbate. (Or don't "rediscover" the natural masturbation of their childhood after the world has socialized them into being shamed about pleasurable touching.)
I'm glad she can do it now. Repeatedly!
The connection between the feeling of mother-love and the vulnerability of orgasm is apt. I'm not a man, so I don't know what it feels like for the guys, but I would imagine it has a lot to do with strength, aggression, and literal pushing. For us it has to do with relaxation, concentration on the minute feelings, and surrender. You can't let go if you can't let go. You know?
> I'm not a man, so I don't know what it feels like for the
> guys, but I would imagine it has a lot to do with strength,
> aggression, and literal pushing.
Uh, no. It's not like changing a tire. I assure you, we like to relax and focus on sensations also. You might associate ejaculation with "pushing", but there's no pushing involved. More like release (similar to your description of "surrender").
A fascinating misconception, though. Like reading a man write, "I've always assumed a woman's orgasm is like shopping".
I can't believe the title of this article.
The thing is, a person needs to be attracted to the person, be off guard, and have the right nerves not over and under stimulated.
I think society embarrasses people related to this, keeping many members in an infantile like state, so such a simple task becomes a gong show of fumbling.
I think the sexual frustration, and militaristic culture tend to go hand in hand. (no pun intended)
This reviewer compares her orgasm to being held in her mother's arms? Hmmm, might be time for some therapy.
reichian?
"A new book chronicles one woman's 26-year quest to bring herself to sexual climax. I did her four better."
You might have waited until your late twenties to engage in actual sex, but kudos on your masturbatory efforts in infancy.
If Ms. Kelly is actually a journalist, I would suggest that she take a job in a day care center, the kind that takes very little babies on up to kindergarten. Children start to masturbate very young, including little girls and they don't need vibrators. All parents know this but entertainment media gets a lot of mileage out of "girl who never had an orgasm." We all go along with it because the subject is so uncomfortable, I guess.
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A wonderful woman sharing a very personal moment in her life. I hope it helps many others. I guess I'm old but I remember the women in my life reading "Our Bodies, Ourselves" back in the day. If it is still in print I am sure it is still relevant. I must say I am surprised by some of the negative comments apparently left by female readers. I hope they represent a small minority.
I can't believe all the disbelief and castigation. I have known other women in the same boat, though none were willing to expose it in such a public way. Perhaps they would have had an easier time if they had had an article like this to read.
As for the author, I hate to play armchair shrink, but it sounds like she made a decision when her mom died that if she could just be a REALLY good girl (according to her father's and the church's definitions) maybe her mother would come back, or it would atone for her causing her mother to die, or any of the other common misunderstandings that occur when a parent dies unexpectedly. I could be wrong, but always refusing dessert, no movies unless they serve a practical purpose, all of that is way beyond typical type-A behavior. And that's all stuff to explore in therapy.
All I can say is congratulations, Maura, come again. And again. Ya done good.
I'm perplexed by the hostile and snide reactions (at least from the first four people) to this candid and cute book review and personal confession. People take all kinds of paths to sexual satisfaction. Just because it isn't your road, doesn't make it wrong, deviant or ignorant. The trip as described here couldn't, in fact, be more innocent -- even if the writer made it up!
And on a literary note (and final critique of the book itself), this article was the perfect length treatment of the subject.
The author reveals a little bit about herself. An opportunity for some here to take shots at her. I wonder why.
I am sorry that my comment appeared to be snide, I didn't intend it to be.
I just don't know how a person writes an article about this, without mentioning nipples, so I thought it was an ad for toys or made up.
A very charming and touching (OMG! I did not intend to pun!) article. I never thought of masturbation as therapy before.
But I think it is a little weird that as a child she didn't explore her own body. That Catholic school must have been really effective!
Excuse me, I have to to... uh... release some childhood traumas I didn't know I had.
Sorry, but even for the web, this is way, way too much information.
And there is the problem this woman had... people of a similar opinion to yourself.
Funny, after reading the article i was wondering "so, did it help alleviate her chronic back pain?".
Damn, woman!
You didn't masturbate UNTIL YOU WERE THIRTY?
That's just sad!
No wonder so many women have warped and unhealthily repressed ideas about sex!
That's why is nice to have a man around the house.
Thank you for sharing this story with us. I however can't relate to you at all because masturbation should be a natural part of your life and you with held it for reasons that make no sense. I know that I started doing it at 10 soon after I got my first period, simply because my hormones were going crazy and I needed an outlet for release. Starting puberty so early was a blessing to me.
I knew by the time I lost my virginity at 15 what I liked and what really did it for me. I was a better lover because I wasn't so focused simply on my pleasure and I found that at 35 I am a coming machine and I have no shame about that.
I don't understand women that deny themselves this pleasure.
Since the moment Adam laid eyes on Eve, for some reason, feMALES have been shackled to the will and control of MALES. We have come along way baby. However, we still need to go further before all the chains are broken so women throughout the world have the freedom to live as human beings: freely. Articles like this helps break the chains, one link at a time.
You know, with all due respect to the author, who's not by any means the first person to say this, but I'm increasingly skeptical about this Catholic school repression business. I'm just not sure there's a lot of this still going on in American Catholic schools, most of which are staffed by laypeople, and not nuns. I wish one of these folks would give a bit of detail. Exactly what was said to them in Catholic schools (that wouldn't have been said in public schools), that made them feel queasy about masturbation. 1940 I would get; but since, maybe, 1980?
Oh come on! Are none of the readers here Catholic girls? I was 35 years old before I dared masturbate for fear of instant death and/or being labeled for all eternity as a Bad Girl. And I have plenty of friends who were the same. This story is great because it's true for a formerly sad, mainly silent minority.
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I mean Catholics who bought so much into the good & bad labels, personally. But I also know plenty of Southern Baptists who had the same problem. From harsh personal experience, I can tell you, it is really, really difficult to masturbate to orgasm when you feel some god is personally watching and judging. Makes ceiling kitty see, like a walk in the park. People here are mocking, but when you spend half your life being told masturbation is for losers who hate life and want to die, it will make your fingers not want to do it. Really.
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Congratulations, you learned to love yourself.
No wonder for guys marital sex is such a bore!
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I do wonder if Ms. Kelly or Ms. Altman had any long term boyfriends who offered to help in a non-intercourse way (i.e. doing other stuff). That could probably help women who are in happy committed relationships and have never orgasmed. Also, it works to bring the two people closer together. Try it sometime. Fellas, help your ladies.
This is great advice, but not so much if the women in question are having sex with men who have the same restricted ideas. I had a boyfriend in my 20s who lost his erection ever time I came even a little bit close to orgasm. That is also not so easy to overcome - feeling that the man you love is put off by your own sexual excitement. People who are mocking this have obviously not lived this. It's not as easy as one might think. Sure, once you masturbate to orgasm, it seems obvious, but until that moment, not so much.
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Bunx05, your post is full of win. My wife has never reached orgasm without employing a powerful vibrator, I've bought every toy my wife has, except for an antique electric vibrator which looks more like a shoe buffer than a marital aid. It dims the neighborhood lights, trips our bedroom fuse and sounds like a minor dynamo about to hit total failure. C'mon, fellas, listen to Bunxs05 and help your ladies. It's a beautiful thing to watch your lady reach a shuddering climax. Make her toys part of your foreplay/sex play, and intercourse will reach a whole new level for both of you. My wife's ex-husband became angry and threatened when his lady tried to bring the vintage "O-Rumbler" to bed, hoping to end the coma their stagnant sex life was in. It didn't work - ex hubbie felt inferior to the antique and whined "Am I not enough for you?" Well, if you've followed me this far, you know the answer to Mr. Uptight's question, anyway.Res Ipsa loquitur.Let your lady know you're 100% supportive and willing to help her reach new heights of pleasure. Your own pleasure will increase exponentially, too. Adding new "toys" into your sex play harms no one, so get past the prudish crap and focus on BOTH your needs.
More than forty years ago, when I was fourteen years old, my girlfriend told me that she had made herself come at home. I asked her to show me how to do it and after that we proceeded to ruin our careers in high school because of our single minded pursuit of orgasms.
I know there are societal hangups that get in the way of a woman an achieving orgasm. I know this because I've been told this. But not being a woman, I really can't get a handle on what it is. Perhaps it's the Christian ethic that seeks to make sex something "dirty," because sexual intercourse between a man and a woman shows definitively that we do not arrive in the world through supernatural means.
But if a couple of kids at an age when embarrassment is such an overriding fear could get it together, then I would say to any woman who hasn't masturbated before that she's letting other people live her life for her and should consider getting some kind of therapy to free herself.
Good grief.
See your doctor. Get a sex book. Rent a porn film. Ask your friends.
Just, please, don't write any more articles about it.
TMI. Good grief.
Thank you.
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