Blogs and Stories
Do Narcissists Have Better Sex?
MECKY / Getty Images
New research shows Americans are more obsessed with themselves than ever. Hannah Seligson examines the ways our love lives are coming to reflect our record-high levels of self-regard.
When John Edwards invoked “the narcissism defense” in his explanation last August for why he cheated on his wife, the moment felt a bit anticlimactic—male politicians have long reinforced their stereotype as egomaniacs who think they’re God’s gift to women. But a new book asserts that more and more Americans are developing congressman-like levels of narcissism, which begs the question: Are our relationships suffering for it, just like Edwards’ did? How can a person who can’t stop looking in the mirror maintain a healthy love life?
These are people who agreed with statements like: “If I ruled the world it would be a much better place,” and, “I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve.”
“The culture of narcissism is about your personal happiness coming first and your partner coming second,” says Esther Perel, the author of Mating in Captivity and a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It’s what’s at the core of divorce.”
According to researchers, there’s a groundswell of narcissism in our society. In a new book, The Narcissism Epidemic, psychology professors W. Keith Campbell and Jean Twenge chart the dramatic rise in the number of Americans who have a clinical narcissist personality disorder. These are people who are more than just a little bit self-regarding. In a nationally representative sample of 35,000 Americans, one out of 16 respondents registered as a narcissist on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory. These are people who agreed with statements like: “If I ruled the world it would be a much better place,” or, “I will never be satisfied until I get all that I deserve,” and, “I find it easy to manipulate people.”
Narcissism functions on a continuum, which means that because more people register on the extreme end of the spectrum, there’s a surge of people in the general population—in the median area—that are displaying narcissistic traits. And the numbers for youth are higher than any other age group—nearly 10 percent of twentysomethings reported symptoms of narcissism, compared to just over 3 percent of those over 65.
So as a new generation of narcissistic daters upload their personal ads, belly up to the bars, and start popping the question, they’re increasingly altering the dynamics of 21st-century courtship, say the researchers.
“It changes what is normal behavior in dating,” says Campbell, referring to the hookup culture among youth that has left modern-day parents wringing their hands. According to Campbell and Twenge, the rise of the hookup culture and narcissism rates had a convergent evolution—a link they see as significant. “One of the hallmarks of a narcissist is short-term relationships that don’t require a lot of emotional investment,” says Campbell. Adds Twenge: “The current trend right now, especially among younger people, is that ‘I’m going to focus on myself, not on forging an emotionally close relationship.’”
But a few unreturned booty texts and some one-night stands might be the least of the collateral damage wrought by the narcissism epidemic. Narcissists are myopically focused on how they appear to the world. The symptoms of the disease range from the extreme (hiring fake paparazzi to follow you around for a weekend) to the more ubiquitous, garden-variety solipsism (Twittering what you ate for lunch or hiring a professional photographer to take your Facebook photo). Translated into the realm of romantic relationships, the message comes across as: I’m great, and you’d better be, too.
“That kind of grandiosity eats relationships,” says Terry Real, a therapist and relationship expert. Real believes in a more radical way of teaching people to let go of an overinflated sense of self. Call it the anti-Oprah school of thought.
Bringing Down Bachmann
Benjamin Sarlin is a reporter for The Daily Beast. He previously covered New York City politics for The New York Sun and has worked for talkingpointsmemo.com.
America's Hot Jobs (and Not Jobs)
The Daily Beast is dedicated to news and commentary, culture, and entertainment. We carefully curate the web’s most essential stories and bring you original must-reads from our talented contributors.
Nicolas Cage, Compulsive Spender
Jacob Bernstein is a senior reporter at The Daily Beast. Previously, he was a features writer at WWD and W Magazine. He has also written for New York magazine, Paper, and The Huffington Post.
Davos in Heels
Hannah Seligson is a journalist and the author of New Girl on the Job: Advice from the Trenches. Her second book, A Little Bit Married, will be published by De Capo this spring. Her website is www.hannahseligson.com
The Pre-teen Girl Mystery
Hannah Seligson is a journalist and the author of New Girl on the Job: Advice from the Trenches. Her second book, A Little Bit Married, will be published by De Capo this spring. Her website is www.hannahseligson.com
The Diet That Shrinks Smarty Pants
Hannah Seligson is a journalist and the author of New Girl on the Job: Advice from the Trenches. Her second book, A Little Bit Married, will be published by De Capo this spring. Her website is www.hannahseligson.com
I think the word narcissist is often misused.
It seems to be socially acceptable for men to have pride and an ego, but it isn't for women, and lack of pride in what they think and do, is often what keeps women down, and it is often women that encourage that behaviour in each other.
Even the language used directed to men validates who they are, and what they would like to do, and in contrast often language directed to women has negative overtones.
I hear women who are successful, and enjoy sex being called narcissists, obviously they aren't since they do care how their actions effect others, sometimes more than people who are full of self loathing.
Does a person who looks after their appearance, who enjoys sex, and is more responsive than a plastic barbie doll, make a better lover. Well duh
I am right in the middle of the demographic they're talking about, and all I see is narcissism-- from both sexes-- everywhere. I really don't see any evidence of a double standard, though. Online social networking is the best place to witness the phenomenon first hand, and you'll find pretty much the same nauseating crap on male and female sites alike, whether you check twitter, facebook, myspace... it's all the same. "THIS is what I'M all about. I'M the kind of person who says/does THIS, and if you can't deal with it, that's YOUR problem."
Yep it's the white man keeping you down again. You are so discriminated against that you can't even be a self absorbed ego maniac without someone thinking you are a narcissist.
Men get called a dick or an ass which is totally positive while women get called negative things like bitch. WHAT A DOUBLE STANDARD!
["I think it's time for the culture to move to a place where we think about it more like, 'I was weak, now I'm strong-let's roll up our sleeves and work together," says Real.] excerpted from this article.
The problem is the logistics involved.
People have to learn as a people from diverse backgrounds to mix together and work together.
Then there is the adversarial system we are conditioned to expect to be normal also can act like second nature if a person isn't careful.
Unless a person is taught to play games in teams from a very young age, the way more boys are than girls, learning to work together to pass the ball to the player in the best position to kick the ball into the goal, for the sake of the team, can take years of practice. It is easier to play with the ball alone, and kick it into the goal when no one is there to grab the ball from you.
Does that make a person a narcissist, of course not. It just doesn't make a person a competent team player.
I think another issue, is the counter intuitive approach. I think as the economy collapses, people go inward. People are afraid to go out at night so they go on the internet.
I think people really are trying to protect themselves in an anti-human backlash, where banks can take your home, where over zealous social workers can take your kids, and where a thief can take not only your property and identity but also your dignity.
So people are trying to protect themselves in a world where people have more to fear than in any other point in human history.
We need a Mr. Rogers for a new generation: "And remember boys and girls, you're a dime a dozen. Now get back to work!"
gak001,Very well said,Cute.!!!Oh we are a ortunate country.In so many places people are looking or how will they put food on their table.this is the malais of the land of the fortunate,and the land of plenty.The lucky ones.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
What geographic region is that?
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
Why read it?
Reading this article was like a breath of fresh air. I've been lamenting the constant decline of serious stable relationships in society for a few years now, and finally someone writes a simple article and nails the problem on the head.
Ms. Seligson, you are right! (and I don't even live in North America... the problem is here in Europe too).
Narcissism is arrogance. & as as the Greek Historian Herodatus said: "All arrogance will reap a harvest rich in tears." John Edwards has discovered this; so will the people mentioned in this article. G Patton
Goodness, I can't resist: anyone up for whipping the Hellespont?
I think though people who appear conceited could be the opposite, they could be needing positive reinforcement and validation because they feel alone, isolated and possibly even alienated from the outside world. They may be looking in the mirror to make sure they are ok. Most people I know do that. They are looking in the mirror to check their hair, that boogers are not in their nose that kind of thing.
It sounds to me some of these people using facebook are messaging people they may have not physically seen for years if not decades that is why they share so much detail and they may actually be very depressed and lonely.
I also think it is often women going on about the narcissism thing, and often about other women. Men are allowed to have a sense of self and women are supposed to be selfless. some women are even aggressive about being passive, how can they be team players if they are like that. I often find working with guys easier, they seem more comfortable with themselves and they don't appear to be projecting harsh and often damaging stereotypes on to people, they don't even speak too.
Explora, the USA woman, and the woman of today,out there educated,and in the big world,playing with the boys,becomes a shark. and you are right. but its not narcism only.Woman are cats and they dress for other women,and check each other out.A man can see a woman in an old dress,10 years old,but if her boobs are showing,he does not care about fashion.But we live in the world of looks,plastic surgery,everyone in magazines, and tv,internet are gorgeous,it is normal for narcisim to be growing. and it stands out more evident in women.But this is not to be ofensive,but we have a huge gay growth and out there,and they care about their looks,and about themselves.
@ Exploora...I think you can always argue that a social dynamic is gendered and maybe there are differences in how narcissism is playing out in men and women, but the overall effect seems to me to be the same. Everyone seems preoccupied with being "hot" and those that are convinced that they are expect adulation and reward. Many beautiful young people today literally think they are owed fame and fortune because they were gifted with symmetrical features. I think as much as anything that has driven the reality show explosion. Those are regular people with no exraordinary talents that have convinced themselves that they are entitled to our attention.
I think expectations are gendered, men appear to be allowed to have pride and an ego, and women seem put down and treated at a very shallow level, which makes it harder to function, and women seem to do it to women more than men.
My biggest concern is how the personal self interest of the big guys like Madoff and Enron were able to screw us, leading to "california energy crisis" and threat of market failure. The public good should come first in public policy, and I think the tendency to treat the public as they are stupid, childlike and incompetent, makes way for the experts to rip us off if they are so inclined to do so.
I completely disagree with this author's assertions. I think it is HIGH TIME that we are learning to care for and love ourselves. Low self esteem has decimated families, kept generations of certain races in poverty, fueled addiction, fanned the flames of physical abuse, and undermined women for centuries.
There's a fundamental problem with one of this article's assertions:
The phrase, "You have to love yourself before you can love someone else" does hold true, but not in the context you (and the author) used it in.
Many, many people have serious issues that prevent them from having fulfilling relationships. Partners who grapple with jealousy, insecurity, addiction, anger and other issues often make lousy partners. The wisdom that you must 'love yourself first" refers to those people who need to be cognizant of what they are bringing into a relationship. This self-awareness equates to self-love, for those who care about themselves are more prone to work on their issues and to strive for emotional health. It's obvious that emotionally healthy people are more apt to have healthy relationships. Narcissism aside, self esteem is fundamental to our lives, our relationships and the health of our families.
To take this one step further: People should understand that what is good for them is good for everyone else. For generations, we've had a plethora of co-dependent people who never learned to say no, who were taught to ALWAYS put others first, who have been run ragged by the needs and desires of other people and never learned to take care of themselves. In doing what is best for ourselves, we learn to care for ourselves and we teach others our boundaries.
What you are seeing is the pendulum swinging the other way, and sometimes too far to one side, but as it always does, it will settle in the middle. I completely disagree with the author (of the book) assertions. I think it is HIGH TIME that we are learning to care for and love ourselves. Low self esteem has decimated families, kept generations of certain races in poverty, fueled addiction, fanned the flames of physical abuse, and undermined women for centuries.
If the price we pay for loving ourselves is a bit of narcissistic over indulgence, I'll gladly pay the price considering the other consequences that come from low self esteem. The pendulum will eventually land in the middle and we will learn to temper it. This is the way it has always been when it comes to sociological issues. Research it for yourself: sex and alcohol are two that come to mind. At first they were forbidden, then over indulged, then society found it's middle ground with each. (In some ways, we're still trying.)
The author shows a complete lack of understanding of how these sorts of issues play out in society.
He should be applauding our progress rather indulging in his own narcissistic theories.
well, actually, the author is a woman, so it's interesting that you assumed otherwise.
i hear what you're saying, but i think the operative point in this entire article is this quote from the beginning of the second page:
"We have done a good job teaching people to come up from shame, but have ignored the issue of having people come down from grandiosity."
i couldn't agree more with this. our modern society is absolutely rife with hackneyed motivational phrases that encourage self-sufficiency and confidence, but can also be exaggerated into egotism and narcissism. phrases like:
"believe in yourself"
"don't let anybody tell you who you are"
"they're just jealous"
"you can do anything you put your mind to"
"ignore the haters"
et cetera. now, there's nothing intrinsically destructive about saying any of these things, but when taken too far, as i (and the author of this article) believe they have been in today's world, they instill a sort of blind confidence that completely overshadows the arguably equally-important virtues of humility and understanding.
i think your assertion that moral issues always land on the middle ground is a little bit short-sighted. i think a more accurate description of social issues is that they are constantly fluctuating as movements are met by counter-movements, which are met with counter-counter-movements, and so on. there have been many, many other periods of time in which things like promiscuity and drug use were met with a varying number of condemning eyes -- you seem to be looking at a specific time and place, that is, the united states in the 20th century.
i think we always need to take into account the catalysts for our stances on social issues. i see our initial condemnation of sex and drugs as a DIRECT response to things like the great depression and the world wars, wherein we seemed to decide that discipline and productivity was needed to overcome these crippling, terrifying events. as this idea eventually grew, we started to see over-indulgence in sex and drugs as a reaction to that school of thought. i think that narcissism may be the answer to the perception of decreasing individuality in the face of the overarching government (think vietnam) - and now we see individuality stressed as possibly THE most important asset for any american citizen.
i think it's very important to love yourself. i just think that just as important is the ability to judge yourself, accept criticism, and see worth in others' viewpoints. it's all about finding compromise between these two characteristics.
Sorry, I don't buy it. The average American (speaking as one of them) does not need even more love, acceptance or high opinion of him/herself. Our society already thinks to much of itself as a whole and individually is way too selfish. And well before this study, you could feel the changing dynamic in the younger generation. It's not their fault -- their parents have obsessed over them their whole lives and encouraged them to feel special and protected, the center of the universe. I often find myself doing the same with my kids and have to actively think about how to counter those actions so that I still encourage self esteem but not the self obsession that too many end up with these days.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
well put. the destructive part of narcissism is the denial and self-deception.
Yes, we do!
Was anyone else left wondering when the author was going to get to the question posed in the title? Shouldn't this article be called "Why Narcissism is Bad for Relationships?" She didn't actually tell us whether they have better sex. Come on Daily Beast! if I want to get jerked around with misleading titles I'll go to Drudge.
Speaking of low self-esteem... does the Daily Blegh think so little of its articles that it continually brands them with these titillating and misleading titles? Being a narcissist myself, I was waiting for the validation that yes, we do have better sex and are better in bed and not just when we're by ourselves!!!
- "Everything from feminism to 12-step recovery to religion has become about 'I was weak, now I'm strong, go screw yourself.'"
if there was ever a description of the zeitgeist circa June 9, 2009, this is it.
My understanding of narcissists from reading up is that they are actually very miserable and self-hating, not truly self-loving which the article and photo illustration imply.
That a narcissist's real response to the mirror wouldn't be like the photo here, but more like the girl in the movie Heathers who had just given a good looking but mean frat boy a blowjob and was cleaning her mouth. She stared at herself in the mirror briefly in contemplation and then shockingly spat water at her own reflection.
The girl always in control, always the best, who manipulated others with sociopathic ease was not in love with herself.
That is really a more accurate depiction.
Not sure where you did your reading, but here is the definition:
An individual with narcissistic personality disorder tends to harbor an exaggerated sense of his own self-importance and uniqueness. He is often excessively occupied with fantasies about his own attributes and potential for success, and usually depends upon others for reinforcement of his self-image.
Right, the fantasies, uniqueness and perfectionism a coping mechanism to cope with the self-loathing.
Bingo. The narcissist usually has a strong undercurrent of shame and self-loathing. Their narcissistic defenses are so strongly ingrained that it's difficult for a professional to provide assistance if a narcissist seeks help, which they rarely do.
It's true, this article had nothing to do with it's title! Narcissim is just one way to be self involved. There are many ways to be self involved, whether you think you're all that, or you think you don't measure up. Either way, too much of it can keep you from moving forward.
But, I think what this article is talking about is our media age self obession. The Oprah " love yourself," the way we emulate good looking celebrities, our 15 minutes of fame mentality, Facebook and it's presumption that everyone cares about your mundane activities or unoriginal statements, getting caught up in the superficial, and also, the spoiling and coddling of modern parents. Going through a little hardship, humiliation and work while growing up is normal and necessary for strength and for the ability to take care of oneself. Figuring things out on your own means far more than someone protecting you from all negativity. So too many young people today feel that they are fabulous because life has been easy and they don't realize they haven't done anything for themselves. They feel as though they've moved the earth if they graduated from high school, and are showered with praise and prizes. Once they get into the world of college, work, or relationships, they get extremely disillusioned if something doesn't go their way.
But, then again, look at how old the story of Narcissus is! It goes back all the way to Ancient Greece, so it must be a natural human tendency to be obsessed with self. It's just that the modern age makes it easier and easier to engage in it.
Is it necessary to slam Feminism, Oprah, 7 12-step programs to make a nebulous pop-psychology point? Oprah stands 4-square for "I'm worthwhile and you can be, too." My involvement with 12-steps taught me humility and compassion as as well the tools to alter co-dependent behavior. And yes, many women careerists posing as Feminists are indeed Narcissistic, but the Gloria Steinem brand is about freedom and caring for others who can use caring.
Might it be too much to suggest there's a bit of the blindness of Narcissism in this writing?
"many women careerists posing as Feminists are indeed Narcissistic"
Lots and lots of random stereotyping and hate going on here.
Ergo, full-time mothers and those who don't pose as feminists are immune?
The only really good sex to be had is with young women. Their nice bodies notwithstanding most are susceptible to be sexually shaped by their partners.
No the only really good sex to be had is with middle-aged slightly balding to bald men. They are extremely grateful and make you look comparatively good when you glance in the mirror during the deed.
I've run into you before, Dr. Klein. You always advocate these male narcissistic points of view in which women are blamed and used. And you always want everyone to know you are a Dr. I can't tell if you are being ironic and satirical, being provocative, are just struggling with some latent teenager difficulty developing functional self-awareness, or something else, but I sure wish you'd get some help.
I am quite the fool for even responding to you, and I won't be doing it in the future if I can help it. I am very concerned about a member of the psychiatric profession espousing these views without context, however. If you keep it up, I may report you.
I'd like to compliment the author of this article on her choice of bio photograph.
Who did your hair?
dailyraphirmations.com
Do Narcissists Have Better Sex?
Gosh, I'm not sure. Let's ask Palin.
I think you are judging an age group that is known for its changes in society over the years. In the 50's and 60's the rebels were admired. In the 70's the bandwagon was peace. In the 80's it was the drug scene. Narcissism in this article can be traded in for rebels, peace seekers and the "hook-ups" in each of those eras and still apply.
You, the author, seem to be saying derogatory things to young adults who as children were told to be selfish and have standards. So they took the bar and ran with it a little too much, but time and time again it has been seen that once they hit a certain age, they want to settle down for more than just the sex.
I don't see anything wrong with being a little confident in yourself. What's wrong with reaching for the stars? The real world will put you in the place you need to be.
Just because you or a friend had a bad experience with a "shots bro" kinda guy one night doesn't mean the majority of young adults act that way 100 percent of the time. Give us a little more credit than that. Sorry if we grew up on Disney fairy tales where the prince was everything we wanted and more.
Apologies in advance.
Concerning the title of this article, the answer is "Yes, of course they do, to themselves."
Articles like this one do a disservice, and not just because of the cheap use of the word "s.e.x" in the title. And no, narcissists do not have better sex because they don't have enough sensitivity to other people's feelings to be good lovers.
Narcissism is a clinical disorder, and it's far more serious and devastating than merely being self-involved. Anyone who has ever lived with a true narcissist knows that they don't really love themselves. Instead, they are so obsessed with an image of who they are that they will emotionally savage everyone around them to maintain it. Other people are just cardboard cut-outs to a person with narcissistic personality disorder, and living with one is devastating.
Narcissists do not demand a "perfect relationship." What they demand is to BE the perfect one in the relationship, the one with the right to dictate how everyone else should be. They usually find someone who is weak and needy enough to put up with them, to be what therapists call their "narcissistic supply," and then they sort of feed off that person and their children for as long as they possibly can.
It has seemed to me that sociopathy and narcissism have been alive and well in politics for a long time. Bill Clinton was a charming sociopath. Bush Jr. was such an obvious NPD I wondered how on earth everyone else didn't see it.
Having narcissistic traits should not be confused with actually having NPD. Everyone has some level of these traits; you can't have a healthy ego without a dash of narcissism. It's only a question of what else you have to balance it--real narcissists don't have things like humility, love, or any real sense of values to keep their ego in check.
The author states, "nearly 10 percent of twentysomethings reported symptoms of narcissism, compared to just over 3 percent of those over 65." This is nothing new! There is no huge groundswell here; younger people are naturally more self-involved and their egos less balanced by life experience than someone who is decades older. This is perfectly normal.
Likewise, the number of narcissists in the population is not necessarily on the rise just because the culture itself is going through a particularly narcissistic period, if indeed it is. I've been reading about the subject for years (lots of personal experience with it, sadly,) and have seen estimates ranging from 0.5% to 15%. As far as I am aware, disorders such as NPD and sociopathy are far more common and less flamboyant than most people realize. A surprising number of our fellow citizens are simply playing along with the rest of us, only aping the deeper feelings that humans are supposed to have.
But this has been true all along, and I wish writers would be more mindful of the meaning of words like "narcissism," and not keep adding to the confusion by pretending it's the same thing as simple immaturity or selfishness. Most 20-somethings are going to grow out of it. People with NPD don't grow out of it, and they don't usually seek therapy or respond truthfully to questionnaires.Instead, what they do is sort of distort the reality field around them so that their victims (children, spouses, friends) don't know which end is up. Reading an article about what narcissism really is can literally be a life-changing--and life-saving event for such a person.
It saddens me to see such teaching opportunities wasted with simplistic thinking and cheap headline-grabbing. Do your job!!!
Oh my god. Who gives a flying crap?!
As someone recently divorced from a narcissist, I find this article only scratches the surface of the experience of being in a narcissistic relationship. Narcissists inflict much greater damage than simply creating the "hook up" culture.
Their belief that they are better than you creates an abusive relationship dynamic where you can never please them.
Their refusal to believe that they are wrong or responsible for themselves makes you the cause of all of their problems.
Furthermore, many psychologists believe that narcissists are incurable and do not benefit from psychotherapy. That means that the only way to deal with them is to get the heck away from them.
I wish the author would have done deeper research and provided more links about narcissistic relationships. I think previous comments are true. This article is not so much about clinical narcissism as much as it is about our self-obsessed culture.
Thank you.
As a first time user, your comment has been submitted for review. It can take anywhere from a few hours to a day or two for your comment to be reviewed, depending on the time of week and the volume of comments we receive.
Please log in to leave comments.