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Do Narcissists Have Better Sex?
“There is a national obsession with feeling good about yourself,” says Real. “We have done a good job teaching people to come up from shame, but have ignored the issue of having people come down from grandiosity.”
The most recent research on narcissism runs contrary to what the legions of self-help experts have proselytized when it comes to finding love—that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Twenge says that’s a fallacy. “There is no evidence that people with very high self-esteem are any better in a relationship than people with low self-esteem.”
In fact, narcissism, even in small doses, has shifted courtship into a high-stakes relationship culture. Now that people think more highly of themselves, expectations of what a relationship should be like have skyrocketed into the realm of superlatives. Twentysomethings not only expect to waltz into high-level career positions right out of college, they also expect partners who have the moral fortitude of Nelson Mandela, the comedic timing of Stephen Colbert, the abs of Hugh Jackman, and the hair of Patrick Dempsey.
“Everyone is looking for ‘the perfect product,’” says Perel, who says she believes this is creating not just emotional, but also sexual, frustration. “People are not willing to compromise, or willing to be patient.”
And this is where narcissism and relationships end up on a collision course. “The current wisdom on relationships is ‘don’t compromise,’ but relationships are all about compromise. You won’t last more than two days in a marriage if you don’t compromise,” says Twenge.
In other words, in an age where “does s/he make you happy?” has become the ultimate litmus test for a relationship, it’s tempting to use personal gratification and satisfaction as the benchmarks. But there’s an insidious side to that outlook, says Perel. “There has to be more than one parameter than happiness to examine your life.”
Real goes further, saying this quest for personal pleasure from coupledom breeds an impoverished view of relationships. “Think of parenting. When your kid is being a pain, parents have to see the bigger picture—that being a parent has so many benefits and a deeper joy. It’s a perspective that people in good marriages have. Narcissists, however, have a big blind spot. For them, it’s about being fulfilled all the time.”
So should we shelve the personal-empowerment movement if we want to have long and happy marriages? According to the many experts who study this phenomenon and treat the fallout, the answer is yes. By focusing so much on the self, we’ve fostered a generation of overly individualized young people who are three times more likely to be narcissistic than their grandparents. Perhaps it’s time for a refresher course on Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s social contract about the individual’s responsibility to society.
“Everything from feminism to 12-step recovery to religion has become about ‘I was weak, now I’m strong, go screw yourself,’” says Real. The danger is in narcissists taking this too far and blaming their partners if they’re not 100 percent satisfied in their love lives.
“I think it’s time for the culture to move to a place where we think about it more like, ‘I was weak, now I’m strong—let’s roll up our sleeves and work together,” says Real.
Hannah Seligson is a journalist and the author of New Girl on the Job: Advice from the Trenches. Her second book, A Little Bit Married, will be published by De Capo this spring. Her website is www.hannahseligson.com
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Paul Schrodt is a writer living in New York City. He has contributed to New York magazine, Radar, and Esquire.com.
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exploora
I think the word narcissist is often misused.
It seems to be socially acceptable for men to have pride and an ego, but it isn't for women, and lack of pride in what they think and do, is often what keeps women down, and it is often women that encourage that behaviour in each other.
Even the language used directed to men validates who they are, and what they would like to do, and in contrast often language directed to women has negative overtones.
I hear women who are successful, and enjoy sex being called narcissists, obviously they aren't since they do care how their actions effect others, sometimes more than people who are full of self loathing.
Does a person who looks after their appearance, who enjoys sex, and is more responsive than a plastic barbie doll, make a better lover. Well duh
JLF1200
I am right in the middle of the demographic they're talking about, and all I see is narcissism-- from both sexes-- everywhere. I really don't see any evidence of a double standard, though. Online social networking is the best place to witness the phenomenon first hand, and you'll find pretty much the same nauseating crap on male and female sites alike, whether you check twitter, facebook, myspace... it's all the same. "THIS is what I'M all about. I'M the kind of person who says/does THIS, and if you can't deal with it, that's YOUR problem."
bigwurzz
Yep it's the white man keeping you down again. You are so discriminated against that you can't even be a self absorbed ego maniac without someone thinking you are a narcissist.
Men get called a dick or an ass which is totally positive while women get called negative things like bitch. WHAT A DOUBLE STANDARD!
exploora
["I think it's time for the culture to move to a place where we think about it more like, 'I was weak, now I'm strong-let's roll up our sleeves and work together," says Real.] excerpted from this article.
The problem is the logistics involved.
People have to learn as a people from diverse backgrounds to mix together and work together.
Then there is the adversarial system we are conditioned to expect to be normal also can act like second nature if a person isn't careful.
Unless a person is taught to play games in teams from a very young age, the way more boys are than girls, learning to work together to pass the ball to the player in the best position to kick the ball into the goal, for the sake of the team, can take years of practice. It is easier to play with the ball alone, and kick it into the goal when no one is there to grab the ball from you.
Does that make a person a narcissist, of course not. It just doesn't make a person a competent team player.
exploora
I think another issue, is the counter intuitive approach. I think as the economy collapses, people go inward. People are afraid to go out at night so they go on the internet.
I think people really are trying to protect themselves in an anti-human backlash, where banks can take your home, where over zealous social workers can take your kids, and where a thief can take not only your property and identity but also your dignity.
So people are trying to protect themselves in a world where people have more to fear than in any other point in human history.
gak001
We need a Mr. Rogers for a new generation: "And remember boys and girls, you're a dime a dozen. Now get back to work!"
amapola101
gak001,Very well said,Cute.!!!Oh we are a ortunate country.In so many places people are looking or how will they put food on their table.this is the malais of the land of the fortunate,and the land of plenty.The lucky ones.
Spasticula
Half my friends in a certain geographic region of the U.S. use their Facebook status about 800 percent more than my other friends; they need to tell me they're waiting in line, they're buying groceries, what they had for lunch. what their child did in the last ten minutes. I read these things and think, "Ugh, you've got to be kidding me!? You think 100 to 400 of your friends are dying to know this crap? You think you're just that special?" These are people who are otherwise normal and intelligent.
liviapeacock
What geographic region is that?
Spasticula
One of the 3 largest cities in the nation.
trisha08
Why read it?
ciwiuk
Reading this article was like a breath of fresh air. I've been lamenting the constant decline of serious stable relationships in society for a few years now, and finally someone writes a simple article and nails the problem on the head.
Ms. Seligson, you are right! (and I don't even live in North America... the problem is here in Europe too).
GPatton
Narcissism is arrogance. & as as the Greek Historian Herodatus said: "All arrogance will reap a harvest rich in tears." John Edwards has discovered this; so will the people mentioned in this article. G Patton
Sempronia
Goodness, I can't resist: anyone up for whipping the Hellespont?
exploora
I think though people who appear conceited could be the opposite, they could be needing positive reinforcement and validation because they feel alone, isolated and possibly even alienated from the outside world. They may be looking in the mirror to make sure they are ok. Most people I know do that. They are looking in the mirror to check their hair, that boogers are not in their nose that kind of thing.
It sounds to me some of these people using facebook are messaging people they may have not physically seen for years if not decades that is why they share so much detail and they may actually be very depressed and lonely.
exploora
I also think it is often women going on about the narcissism thing, and often about other women. Men are allowed to have a sense of self and women are supposed to be selfless. some women are even aggressive about being passive, how can they be team players if they are like that. I often find working with guys easier, they seem more comfortable with themselves and they don't appear to be projecting harsh and often damaging stereotypes on to people, they don't even speak too.
amapola101
Explora, the USA woman, and the woman of today,out there educated,and in the big world,playing with the boys,becomes a shark. and you are right. but its not narcism only.Woman are cats and they dress for other women,and check each other out.A man can see a woman in an old dress,10 years old,but if her boobs are showing,he does not care about fashion.But we live in the world of looks,plastic surgery,everyone in magazines, and tv,internet are gorgeous,it is normal for narcisim to be growing. and it stands out more evident in women.But this is not to be ofensive,but we have a huge gay growth and out there,and they care about their looks,and about themselves.
fugitivepoem
@ Exploora...I think you can always argue that a social dynamic is gendered and maybe there are differences in how narcissism is playing out in men and women, but the overall effect seems to me to be the same. Everyone seems preoccupied with being "hot" and those that are convinced that they are expect adulation and reward. Many beautiful young people today literally think they are owed fame and fortune because they were gifted with symmetrical features. I think as much as anything that has driven the reality show explosion. Those are regular people with no exraordinary talents that have convinced themselves that they are entitled to our attention.
exploora
I think expectations are gendered, men appear to be allowed to have pride and an ego, and women seem put down and treated at a very shallow level, which makes it harder to function, and women seem to do it to women more than men.
My biggest concern is how the personal self interest of the big guys like Madoff and Enron were able to screw us, leading to "california energy crisis" and threat of market failure. The public good should come first in public policy, and I think the tendency to treat the public as they are stupid, childlike and incompetent, makes way for the experts to rip us off if they are so inclined to do so.
Margot62
I completely disagree with this author's assertions. I think it is HIGH TIME that we are learning to care for and love ourselves. Low self esteem has decimated families, kept generations of certain races in poverty, fueled addiction, fanned the flames of physical abuse, and undermined women for centuries.
There's a fundamental problem with one of this article's assertions:
The phrase, "You have to love yourself before you can love someone else" does hold true, but not in the context you (and the author) used it in.
Many, many people have serious issues that prevent them from having fulfilling relationships. Partners who grapple with jealousy, insecurity, addiction, anger and other issues often make lousy partners. The wisdom that you must 'love yourself first" refers to those people who need to be cognizant of what they are bringing into a relationship. This self-awareness equates to self-love, for those who care about themselves are more prone to work on their issues and to strive for emotional health. It's obvious that emotionally healthy people are more apt to have healthy relationships. Narcissism aside, self esteem is fundamental to our lives, our relationships and the health of our families.
To take this one step further: People should understand that what is good for them is good for everyone else. For generations, we've had a plethora of co-dependent people who never learned to say no, who were taught to ALWAYS put others first, who have been run ragged by the needs and desires of other people and never learned to take care of themselves. In doing what is best for ourselves, we learn to care for ourselves and we teach others our boundaries.
What you are seeing is the pendulum swinging the other way, and sometimes too far to one side, but as it always does, it will settle in the middle. I completely disagree with the author (of the book) assertions. I think it is HIGH TIME that we are learning to care for and love ourselves. Low self esteem has decimated families, kept generations of certain races in poverty, fueled addiction, fanned the flames of physical abuse, and undermined women for centuries.
If the price we pay for loving ourselves is a bit of narcissistic over indulgence, I'll gladly pay the price considering the other consequences that come from low self esteem. The pendulum will eventually land in the middle and we will learn to temper it. This is the way it has always been when it comes to sociological issues. Research it for yourself: sex and alcohol are two that come to mind. At first they were forbidden, then over indulged, then society found it's middle ground with each. (In some ways, we're still trying.)
The author shows a complete lack of understanding of how these sorts of issues play out in society.
He should be applauding our progress rather indulging in his own narcissistic theories.
byronrrusselphd
well, actually, the author is a woman, so it's interesting that you assumed otherwise.
i hear what you're saying, but i think the operative point in this entire article is this quote from the beginning of the second page:
"We have done a good job teaching people to come up from shame, but have ignored the issue of having people come down from grandiosity."
i couldn't agree more with this. our modern society is absolutely rife with hackneyed motivational phrases that encourage self-sufficiency and confidence, but can also be exaggerated into egotism and narcissism. phrases like:
"believe in yourself"
"don't let anybody tell you who you are"
"they're just jealous"
"you can do anything you put your mind to"
"ignore the haters"
et cetera. now, there's nothing intrinsically destructive about saying any of these things, but when taken too far, as i (and the author of this article) believe they have been in today's world, they instill a sort of blind confidence that completely overshadows the arguably equally-important virtues of humility and understanding.
i think your assertion that moral issues always land on the middle ground is a little bit short-sighted. i think a more accurate description of social issues is that they are constantly fluctuating as movements are met by counter-movements, which are met with counter-counter-movements, and so on. there have been many, many other periods of time in which things like promiscuity and drug use were met with a varying number of condemning eyes -- you seem to be looking at a specific time and place, that is, the united states in the 20th century.
i think we always need to take into account the catalysts for our stances on social issues. i see our initial condemnation of sex and drugs as a DIRECT response to things like the great depression and the world wars, wherein we seemed to decide that discipline and productivity was needed to overcome these crippling, terrifying events. as this idea eventually grew, we started to see over-indulgence in sex and drugs as a reaction to that school of thought. i think that narcissism may be the answer to the perception of decreasing individuality in the face of the overarching government (think vietnam) - and now we see individuality stressed as possibly THE most important asset for any american citizen.
i think it's very important to love yourself. i just think that just as important is the ability to judge yourself, accept criticism, and see worth in others' viewpoints. it's all about finding compromise between these two characteristics.
citivas
Sorry, I don't buy it. The average American (speaking as one of them) does not need even more love, acceptance or high opinion of him/herself. Our society already thinks to much of itself as a whole and individually is way too selfish. And well before this study, you could feel the changing dynamic in the younger generation. It's not their fault -- their parents have obsessed over them their whole lives and encouraged them to feel special and protected, the center of the universe. I often find myself doing the same with my kids and have to actively think about how to counter those actions so that I still encourage self esteem but not the self obsession that too many end up with these days.
Spasticula
Being nacissistic and loving oneself are not the same thing Mrs. Einstein. Narcissism usually involves screening ones own low-self-esteem with a distortion field of bullshit.
byronrrusselphd
well put. the destructive part of narcissism is the denial and self-deception.
guiltybystander
Yes, we do!
fugitivepoem
Was anyone else left wondering when the author was going to get to the question posed in the title? Shouldn't this article be called "Why Narcissism is Bad for Relationships?" She didn't actually tell us whether they have better sex. Come on Daily Beast! if I want to get jerked around with misleading titles I'll go to Drudge.
scott1607
Speaking of low self-esteem... does the Daily Blegh think so little of its articles that it continually brands them with these titillating and misleading titles? Being a narcissist myself, I was waiting for the validation that yes, we do have better sex and are better in bed and not just when we're by ourselves!!!
KonradProduct
- "Everything from feminism to 12-step recovery to religion has become about 'I was weak, now I'm strong, go screw yourself.'"
if there was ever a description of the zeitgeist circa June 9, 2009, this is it.
Veronicaxy
My understanding of narcissists from reading up is that they are actually very miserable and self-hating, not truly self-loving which the article and photo illustration imply.
That a narcissist's real response to the mirror wouldn't be like the photo here, but more like the girl in the movie Heathers who had just given a good looking but mean frat boy a blowjob and was cleaning her mouth. She stared at herself in the mirror briefly in contemplation and then shockingly spat water at her own reflection.
The girl always in control, always the best, who manipulated others with sociopathic ease was not in love with herself.
That is really a more accurate depiction.
trisha08
Not sure where you did your reading, but here is the definition:
An individual with narcissistic personality disorder tends to harbor an exaggerated sense of his own self-importance and uniqueness. He is often excessively occupied with fantasies about his own attributes and potential for success, and usually depends upon others for reinforcement of his self-image.
Veronicaxy
Right, the fantasies, uniqueness and perfectionism a coping mechanism to cope with the self-loathing.
sophieozz
Bingo. The narcissist usually has a strong undercurrent of shame and self-loathing. Their narcissistic defenses are so strongly ingrained that it's difficult for a professional to provide assistance if a narcissist seeks help, which they rarely do.
Thank you.
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