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The Dangerous Appeal of Choking
Ian West / AP Photo
In the wake of actor David Carradine’s death, possibly by erotic asphyxiation, many are wondering why anyone would want to be choked during sex. In a piece that should not be read by a minor, this writer and practitioner tells you why he persists in doing it.
What was David Carradine into? Speculation about the answer to that question has been swirling ever since the Kung Fu and Kill Bill actor was found dead in a Bangkok hotel room last week. Carradine was reportedly found dead of asphyxiation, perhaps wearing fishnets and a wig, with red women’s lingerie laying nearby on the bed. It remains unclear whether he was alone or not—though people do die from autoerotic asphyxiation (choking themselves while masturbating), some have raised the question of how Carradine could have tied himself up without someone else’s help.
But whether he did it to himself or was aided by a partner, as a member of the New York kink community, I know a number of people who are into erotic choking, and I’ve experimented with it myself from time to time. I know the dangers of Carradine’s alleged fetish, but, yes, I can also testify to its dangerous pleasure.
The French call an orgasm la petite mort—the little death. If you’ve ever felt your oxygen being cut off as you’re headed toward climax, you’ll understand why.
The French call an orgasm la petite mort—the little death. If you’ve ever felt your oxygen being cut off as you’re headed toward climax, you’ll understand why. One light squeeze around the neck, timed with an increase in sexual rhythm, can make the erotic nature of an intimate encounter as frighteningly pleasurable as it is dangerous. There is a direct physiological explanation behind the increased sensation, and it has more to do with the rush of oxygen that comes after the release of the choke. When the sudden burst of air is combined with the endorphins released during sex, the result is a heightened thrill.
But the psychological effect is all the more powerful. As Oscar Wilde put it, “All men kill the thing they love.” Now of course, we don’t actually want to kill our loved ones (as much as they annoy us sometimes) but even the possibility is exhilarating. Choking is the only way that a completely unskilled person can really kill another with nothing but bare hands. And the second the hands wrap around the throat and a little pressure is given, that deadly truth hangs there between two lovers. “Breath play,” as it is known in the kink community, involves having sex—or making love, if that is the case—while depriving your lover of the most basic element needed to stay alive. It’s the absolute in deprivation play, and too much deprivation can end a life.
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I want to choke my ex-wife-- not sure if it's sexual, but do you think I could get out of jail time if say it is?
guilty -- You gotta say it was her idea, kinky, consensual and new to you. THEN you walk!
BTW, do not proceed before you have consulted us, The Daily Beast's knowitalls.
You shouldn't have divorced her first, otherwise I'm pretty sure you'd be in the clear.
/my misogyny is David Letterman's fault
tanker -- She will be dead, so guiltybystander will be the only one telling the sad, twisted, sad story.
What an embarrassing way to go.
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Okay. My guess is, like a lot of sex play, it either just appeals to you or it just doesn't. 'Cause after reading this, I still just don't get it.
I'm with you. Not appealing. At all.
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Quote: "...Now of course, we don't actually want to kill our loved ones (as much as they annoy us sometimes) but even the possibility is exhilarating."
Is "we" the kink community, society at large or are "we" talking about YOU?
Sorry, but I can only speak for myself when it comes to whether I've ever been exhilarated by the thought of murdering a loved one. I suggest the writer refrains from using the word "WE" in this context and speaks for himself/herself.
bobvious -- This "story" was posted by "Gideon", no photo, no bio, not a lot of taste. You know, the living-la-vida-loca kinda guy you'd expect needing a Halloween suit for his measure of libidinous fun.
I get it, piktor. I just see this as a point deserving to be called what it is: an obnoxious and thoughtless aside by a sociopath or one aspiring to be a sociopath.
It's one thing to become accustomed to the pugilistic nature of blogging and forum posting. It's entirely another to nudge-wink the idea that we all think about murdering people we love. Speaking for myself, as I've stressed, it just ain't so. So the use of language here is my issue.
bobvious -- I must confess I could not stomach reading this story in its entirety.
I find this kind of "kink community" lifestyle repelling, completely alien and alienating.
Some people have way too much time on their hands.
I will speak up for the author and say I was grateful to see a direct and frank explanation of what is quite possibly the circumstances under which this man died.
There was a suicide by hanging in my family, and the effect was devastating on everyone. Yes, if it had come out that this boy's death had been due to unsafe sexual activity everyone would have cringed. But it would have been a huge relief compared to the years of self doubt over how we missed that he was in enough distress to take his own life.
As for the warning that kids not read this article, I disagree. My teenage son saw the news about the suicide and mentioned it to me. When I heard that it may have been an accident, we had a talk about what might have happened and the dangers of allowing a sense of embarrassment to outweigh sense of safety... a dynamic that can be deadly for teens in a whole range of scenarios...
Some of the attitudes in the comments section reflect exactly the reason why the author is semi anonymous. If you make a living at Kink like Jay Wiseman, then sure you can be a public figure.
LOL, as for the wish to kill loved ones... my ex was allergic to shellfish. I always kept a can of clam chowder in the house... just in case.
mothnflame, I've also been affected by suicide, and have also gone through various stages of questioning and guilt - and anger - with regard the person who has left. Yah, I'm pissed. I've seen and felt what suicide does to loved ones left behind. It's cruel and selfish. Whatever pain the person felt, which had to be deep and unfathomable, there is a world of pain that that person gave to everyone who cared for him. In a very linear sense, that's where I "am" right now with my particular experience.
My original point stands: The "WE" in the statement is vague, and as such needs clarification.
It doesn't need clarification for most people who don't deny they have dark thoughts. Almost every person, at one time in life, will have thoughts, however fleeting, that they wish a certain person dead. Those of us who aren't sociopath or psychopaths or raging narcissists will rarely consider this an idea on which to act. It's just a feeling and most people are appalled by it when they have it. Some terrified people tend to deny they even know that feeling at all. I assume that is why you keep saying that "we" needs clarification - you can't admit to it, or you haven't reached puberty yet.
As for your comment about suicide, I have had an aunt and nephew commit suicide, and a brother try. (It's rampant on my mom's side of the family, actually.) I used to feel as you do, but then I realized that it was just as selfish and cruel of me to expect another person to keep living just because I wanted them to. If their suffering was so great, I am only now deeply sorry that it got so bad, and nothing anyone else could to was enough to help them through it.
You'll get through the phase you're in now. It's actually much more painful to have to look at the pain the suicide was in, rather than your own pain, but I found much more peace after I did so.
I appreciated it, too. A friend of mine had a little brother who died this way, and I've never really heard anyone speak that openly about it before. It happens, so we might as well all know what it's about. I appreciate having my questions about it answered.
Some things are best left untried for fear that I may enjoy them, like drugs, Red Bull, and line dancing.
"One small slip, or a miscalculation with a noose, could result in a sudden strangulation, a crushed windpipe, or even a snapped neck."
oooooooo, sexy. /sarcasm.
I think the real story is the risk a person is taking when doing something like what is being described, and the devastating effect it will have on friends, family and in this case, fans.
I can't say that I enjoyed this article exactly, but it was very interesting and gave me a glimpse into a world I don't know much about. It's not appealing to me, but I found it fascinating.
How we go really isn't as important as the love we leave behind and judging by Carradine's funeral he left a lot of love behind. RIP Grasshopper.
This kind of sex play is not about eroticism but about power and control. It's a homicidal/suicidal impulse reformatted. Each to their own...but see it for what it is.
Oh come on. Show a little respect for the dead. Can't you vultures wait until the family is done grieving to start speculating about his sex life?
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If the erotic asphyxiation is of the "auto" variety (recall INXS singer's solo swan song?), the 'safety word' plan kinda goes out the window.
When I saw the headline I thought it was about the Cubs.
sillylemur: wrong. And wrong. "I" don't need clarification, my need is that the writer speak for himself. Deny to myself that I have dark thoughts? No likely. I'm having them right now, about you. And I am speaking for myself. That's the f'ing point.
I was raised to always wear clean underwear free from holes to avoid embarrassment in case I was in some sort of accident. It's incredible how passe that advice has become. Ouch.
News for you - clothes are no longer clean after death.
This kind of behavior, included in the so-called kink community, has nothing to do with sex. It's yet another narcissistic fetish geared towards sensation and a laughable belief that it's somehow rebellious or 'edgy.' In reality, it's reflective of individuals in desperate need of sensation and an addict's focus on themselves and their 'parts.' It's difficult to describe just how stupid this is, but there's no limits to what the human idiot will do...
Thank you.
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